Couch 243: Winchester Cathedral

Hugs, Lemoncake.

I'm back from the dermatologist and running a couple of errands. All is well with the spot on my arm, he said it's nothing dangerous and should never turn into anything dangerous so that made me feel relieved. I also had him look at my heels because they are so extremely dry and cracked that it hurts to walk on them sometimes; he said it's a form of eczema and prescribed a cream that he said should help clear it up in 6 weeks. Huh, well I guess that's why regular lotion isn't helping.

Gold flakes for the old therapy mill.

Exactly.

I'll be bringing a pan full of those flakes for the mill with me this afternoon... one of those is that my 5 typed pages of writing from this past week is very generously peppered with F-bombs. And my writing today is "why so many F-bombs, Artie?!" I don't have the answer, yet.

So so so so so depressed lately. I don't know how I can keep going on. I feel like I am dragging myself along the sidewalk with my fingernails, barely inching forward. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel because the tunnel is apparently under the water and is never going to end. My pdoc is booked. My GP just says call your pdoc. I've texted my T every single day this week. (Yeah, that feels pathetic, I know). Really no clue how to keep going. I've given up on the DBT books for now because I have no focus for them. I'm not suicidal. I'm just seriously depressed. It is so difficult.

I'm happy to hear this art.

Do you also wear socks or mainly sandals in Arizona?

So glad the spot was nothing of concern!

Hugs, Kit. I hope you can start to feel better. Could some sort of more intensive program help?

Hugs, Lemon. This seems like good stuff to talk about with your current T, Fin. Ir sounds like he could help you with this.

I’m currently drafting the running away message I am going to send him.



Perhaps I won’t send it. I have all WhatsApp notifications turned off so I never get the pings at the top of my screen. He might not have done that though and it’s already 8.45pm here. So I wouldn’t want to send it late at night, but would wait until early Monday morning to send it.

No good for a Tuesday session- I’ve already paid for.

Hope it's going/went well, Artie!

I also shared some writing with Dr. T today. I'm taking this online memoir course and turned in my first assignment. It was supposed to be about a "first." Because I know the topic of my memoir I ended up writing about when I first met Dr. T. I gave him a slightly edited version to read in session today (left a couple things out).

I was anxious about it, but it led to an interesting discussion about where I was at the start of therapy with him vs. now, like he mentioned some positive changes he's seen in me (that I agree with).

He also said that he thinks writing is an important creative outlet for me and that it can give me a sense of purpose. When I left, he thanked me for sharing my writing with him. As I was walking out the door, he said, "Keep writing!"

I'm supposed to get feedback from the instructor early next week--nervous! I realized it's the first time in a very long time that I've submitted any sort of writing to anyone for critique, particularly for something this personal (I used to write newspaper articles and columns eons ago)

Maybe. I did that in 2021-2022 and it was exhausting. I don't know if it really made me function better. The option I haven't tried is residential but I don't know how I would manage to pay for that and pay my bills while not working.

Thanks for the hugs!

After my brother had his reaction to the Pfizer dose he was in crazy amounts of pain too.

We tried everything. I bought him CBD drinks. He had lots of meat and omega 3,6 +9 vitamins. He was taking tumeric in milk. I did massages for him with hot stones I got from Amazon. The massage bar was Lush’s Wiccy Magic with peppermint oil. We also did hot bath soaks with Epsom salts. My grandfather had a heated massage foot machine which he used. Perhaps you could hire a TENs machine?

Are you eligible for any state/ government benefits if you are too sick to work?

Kit can you take some time off work and just rest?

Could you do more more sessions with your T?

Hugs, Velcro. I'm glad he seems to be taking it seriously, but I hope you won't need surgery. ANd it sucks they can't give anything for the pain...I feel like the doctors who overprescribed opioids ruined ti for those who really need it. I assume he gave you an order where you can order an MRI?

Well done for being so vulnerable with Dr L and your instructor. Do you also keep and write in old journals?

I read the book” Empire of pain” it was said the Sackler family made $34 Billion dollars from sales but knew the lawsuits would come , so had been taking money out of the company for years. Then let it crumble.

I am thinking about scheduling some time off in April from work.

I am working my way up to asking my T for more sessions! EEK! I don't know why I am nervous about it. She will either say yes or no. Maybe fear of rejection?

I also cut back on some of my charitable donations so I could pay for more therapy if T says yes.

There is also a walk-in crisis center in the next town over. I have never been but it is supposed to be cheaper than the emergency room and they let you stay for 23 hours. It is an unlocked unit. You get to see a pdoc while you are there and also a counselor. If I stay feeling so crappy this weekend, I might go there tomorrow after Church. Maybe the pdoc there can adjust my meds while I wait for my appointment with my Pdoc.

I've enjoyed seeing you around the couch. HUGS kit

Kit,

I am so proud of you for taking steps to show yourself care and compassion.
About asking T for more sessions - would it be easier to put it in an email, rather than say it out loud?

I've lost count of the number of 'We need to talk about X on Thursday' emails I've sent R.

All you can do is ask.
The worst that can happen is that she says she can't accommodate more sessions.

In the of one of my favourite authors: 'It turns out asking for help is brave.'

HUGS,

Lost

Thank you, Lost. Your words are inspiring to me. Thanks for caring to write to me. HUGS Kit

My pleasure, Kit.

MSF is an oasis for me, a place where safe online friendships are possible.
Your friendship is one of those, and means a lot to me.

I hope you are able to find some time for yourself this weekend.

Well…the first thing my doctor said today was “you need surgery” NOOOOOOO! I scheduled an MRI for next week. If I do it (i have 3 weeks to decide) I will be off my feet for 4 weeks. Than a boot. I will have no more FMLA days. So what do I do? I have a feeling
I will get fired. I’ve been out for so long now-and to do another 4 weeks (at the least) is way too much to staff.

Thanks! It went really well. I actually got through the whole 5 pages - with room for discussion along the way. I guess it wasn't as much as it felt like! Well, one full page was a song I wrote last week, that I gave her a copy of and then proceeded to sing. It was funny but meaningful at the same time and we were both cracking up all the way through it. I suppose I should say it's a poem that I wrote to the tune of a catchy little song I heard on tik tok.

I hope you get some helpful feedback from the memoir writing instructor! I'm so looking forward to the course I'm taking - it starts April 11. I feel like I'm totally primed for the writing in there since I've been doing so much of it since I went back to therapy. Writing is a really powerful creative outlet for me, too. Gets me down deep in the ooey-gooey feels and stuff; down into the honesty and the truth of things where it's harder to just "go" verbally, if that makes any sense.

Do they know what is wrong? How do they know you need surgery without seeing the MRI? I would schedule a meeting with your boss to discuss next steps. You can't keep working as things stand now. Can they hire a temp to do your job while you're out? Is there some other job within the company that you can do sitting down in the interim? Can you apply for some sort of state temporary disability? If you do get fired, you will find something else, but that might not happen if you can talk to your bosses and they're not total d***s.