Couch 243: Winchester Cathedral

I'm at it again! Started a new doggie afghan this morning; this one's for one of my sister's pooches. H is out on a job so I'm just kicking back watching tv and crocheting. This pattern is so enjoyable to make.

I love it Artie bean.

Well done for asking for extra help Kit. I do think the fear of rejection does play a part too, but mainly for putting yourself first with cutting back on your donations.

I want there to be words for the way I'm feeling, but I can't reach them.
Time has done what time does, but I don't feel like I've moved much at all from the point of impact.

Thanks, Lemon! I have some journals from when I was a teen. And PC (well, MSF now, I guess) has served as a bit of a public journal for me for a long time. And I do type up some stuff that I don't post here, plus emails I don't send. So I have some records to look back on. It's mostly intended to be a therapy memoir.

I'm glad your session went well, Artie! That's very brave for singing the song.

I'm nervous to hear back from the writing instructor. As I was saying to Dr. T yesterday, it's been a very long time since I've shared creative-type writing with anyone for some sort of critique or editing. It also feels more personal because it's a memoir, rather than, say, fiction.

I know realistically, she's not going to be like, "This is horrible, you can have a refund for the rest of the class if you want." In part because she's seemed very nice and supportive in our email exchanges. But mainly because that would be a bad way to run a business!


I hope your class goes well, too!

Ugh! I hate taxes! We owe $5k because H is a 1099. If he doesn't find a w2 job this year, we could be looking at upwatds of $15k for next year. Luckily, we can afford this year by doing payments, but next year...

When you 1099 you have to make sure you are holding enough. Go online look up the tax bracket per income level and make sure you are putting enough away each pay.

Thanks Jersey!

Yeah, this was our first time 1099. We're going to open a savings account and put money away for next year.

Yep. It will save you the headache in the end of owing the IRS. For sure.

You may need to be doing quarterly estimated payments if he stays on that next year. As a freelancer, I need to do those because the main places I work for don't take taxes out (even though H has a salaried job).

Today's progress so far, before h got home from a job:

Stayed up past my bedtime to finish - well, except for weaving in the ends! Night, couchies.

That's beautiful, Artie! I love the variegated blue yarn!

I’ve slept a few hours, but the pain in my feet is still horrible. I almost went to the ER multiple times
last night, the pain is so bad. Something doesn’t feel right. I think there is more wrong w my feet other than plantar fasciitis.

Hugs, Velcro, I'm so sorry you're in this much pain. Maybe it could be worth going to the ER if it continues (though I imagine it would have been a long, painful wait on a Saturday night).

I think your your gut instinct is correct- this sounds like more than plantar fasciitis. I have pf and even during the most intense flare ups the pain is nothing like you are describing. Please advocate for yourself and demand some more answers. Have they done a nerve conduction study yet?? MRI? Circulatory tests?

Trust your gut. Something is wrong. You are suffering- and you deserve to get answers.

Agreed. I haven't personally had it, but both my H and my father have. It mostly bothered them when they first stood up in the morning or when they stood up from sitting, not when they were just sitting or lying there. This Mayo Clinic page agrees.

Obviously we weren't there and don't have all the details, but it seems kind of sketchy that the ortho guy jumps straight to surgery. Aren't there other less invasive treatments that could be tried? Were any other diagnoses considered? I agree that you're going to have to advocate for yourself with these doctors. I'm sorry you're suffering so much.

I'd be concerned about insurance covering it without other types of treatment first (I think you tried PT for a bit, right?), unless the MRI is really definitive. I know it's different, but my insurance wouldn't even permit me to get an MRI for my neck (even though the orthopedist ordered one) until I'd had a certain amount of PT for it (I didn't end up completing it because I kept having panic attacks in there).

However, with my H, they gave him an MRI fairly quickly on his hip, I think because it was clearly due to an injury--or maybe they just handle hips differently? May have been the same with his shoulder, I forget. With the shoulder, he had to have PT first, then didn't need surgery. I know with the second hip, they went right to surgery from the MRI--I forget what happened with the first hip, if there was PT in between. I know they initially denied the surgery (despite a diagnosed labral tear, plus this other bone deformity thing that made him prone to another tear), then the orthopedist had to talk to them and get them to agree to it. So just be prepared for that if needed, Velcro.

I'd check with your insurance first to make sure the MRI would be covered (though the place where I tried to schedule mine took care of that for me, so it may be the same for you). And also about the surgery, though they probably can't answer that without knowing MRI results.

thanks for the insurance tip-it’s through the university
and they have my insurance info, so hopefully they will just run it through that.

i also agree something else is really wrong. it scares
me. i am afraid it is rheumatoid arthritis. which what the second podiatrist i saw, thought. i have always
noticed that whenever i did any range of motion exercises with my ankle-my left foot is much stiffer than my right. same with toe muscles. my left big toe doesn’t even bend. which, according to google, is a type of arthritis. i am calling my doc tomorrow morning.

i also agree that he jumped too quickly to surgery. it is a major teaching hospital, so i wonder if that plays into it.

and yeah, i am getting an MRI on tuesday.

If you can, consider getting a second opinion on the surgery. I'm not like anti-surgery or anything but it sounds like the recovery is kind of lengthy.

Having trouble this morning emotionally dealing with the large invoices I've gotten so far this year from my therapist. There were a couple where he didn't bill me for weeks and I hadn't met my deductible, so when I get the invoice, it's quite large. This week, he forgot to bill for my copay for several weeks so those were tacked on. I can afford it so that's not the issue. I just feel like our relationship gets reduced to numbers and bills for services rendered. And I feel so pathetic that I need to pay someone so much to just help me get through life. I also sometimes wish we could be friends and seeing these large invoices come through is a stark reminder that we're not.

yeah i think i am going to get a second opinion.

and NP, if you are pathetic for needing someone help you (that you pay), then i am in that boat! I even have two therapists. lol

seriously though, it sucks when you are reminded
of the transactional nature of the relationship. That is only a small part of the relationship as well. I think it os great that you have a good relationship with him. Despite all the ambiguity going on

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Hugs, if wanted. I very much empathize. Some of my biggest conflicts with Dr. T have at least in part been about money issues. I think of the time in the fall during a conflict when I said something about how I could email, but I knew he'd likely have to charge me for that, and he said, "Well, yes, you're part of my job." Which led me to yelling at him "I ****ing know that!"

It's so difficult having what, by all other accounts, is a close, intimate relationship, like a friendship, and also being aware that it's in part a paid, professional relationship. It's very confusing in some ways. Because it can feel like, "Oh, he really cares about me," but then the money part comes up. Like you said, it's a stark reminder of the nature of the relationship.

I was mostly shielded from that with ex-T and ex-MC because they had a receptionist/office manager who took the credit cards and submitted invoices to the insurance company. Where Dr. T doesn't have any office staff, so I'm dealing directly with him for everything. At least now he uses an automated payment thing with my credit card on file, but I still get invoice emails from him generally every weekend (which I then have to submit to insurance). So it's my weekly reminder of the financial aspect of our relationship.

Is this something you feel you can talk about with your T at all? He clearly cares about you. And I know it could be a difficult conversation. But I think, for me, it has ultimately helped to talk about it, and I think Dr. T gets it more now. How I can intellectually understand that it's a professional relationship overall, but then other parts of me struggle with the money aspect. Like emotionally, it's hard. Or from the child part of me.