Couch 244: Great Expectations

I don't call what I do journaling per se, but technically I guess that's what it is. I call it my "thinkwriting" haha. Sometimes it's answering a question L has asked me which usually then leads to more processing; sometimes poems; sometimes lately it's processing of stuff that comes up during coda meetings, or processing how I handled something with h either positive or negative. I wonder why I don't just call it what it is; hmm.

Yes! Every weekend, I write an update email telling her everything that has happened and/or how I'm feeling. I then send it to her Sunday night and she reads it Monday morning. I'm doing it this weekend, too.

I know it's just a weekend. I think if I didn't have the rupture or leave coming up, it wouldn't be that big of a deal.

I talked to J again. She misunderstood me last night. She thought I was in a crisis and was just suggesting coping skills to me, which made me feel more alone. Now she understands that I just want to be seen, heard, and known. I just don't want to be alone holding this grief and pain.

OK, that's good you're still doing that.


And I definitely understand how "just a weekend" (or even just a day sometimes) can feel incredibly long if you want to talk to someone but can't.

How are you doing today Scarlet?

It is also important to remember that you are stronger than you think you are. Take it moment by moment. You can and you will get through this.

It might not feel like the same thing, but we see and hear you too.

Maybe "thinkwirtting" just seems less serious then then the image journaling conjures up. Don't think it matters at the end of the day as long as it helps you.

I also think getting into photography would be good for you. You could do a "one photo a day" challenge. Making photobooks is also fun, but such a good way to remember.

Got a letter from my doctor's office stating that the NP I see as my primary care is leaving the practice next month. It went on to say that she would recommend any of her colleagues, but also none of them are seeing new patients. So, basically, good luck I guess? It took me 5 months to get in to see this one, even after a hospitalization. I'm so frustrated that I have to find a new one already. I hope they'll continue to refill my meds until I can find someone new.

Ugh, I'm sorry. It seems like the other doctors/NPs should make room for patients of the departing NP.

So one thing you could do is keep an eye on the practice website to see when they hire a doctor or NP to replace her (or ask if they could contact you, though I wouldn't trust that they'd do that). I've had luck getting in quickly with a doctor who is new to a practice--it's how I found the GP I currently have and like (been seeing her about 7 years now, I think).

Just finished round 21 on current project - 14 more to go! I'm happy with how this is coming together so far - although it looks a little wonky in the pic, guess I didn't smooth it out well enough.

Artie - it has a whole different vibe from the gold one. This is more modern and calming somehow. Surprising that color makes such a difference!

I think so too! I'm really liking the green. These mandala patterns are so enjoyable to make. Kind of a metaphor for life in a way - I work each round on its own without worrying about the next one or the one before - like, all we have is the present, the past is gone and the future ain't here yet. I'm in the middle of round 24 right now.

Thanks Lemon! That's all I really can ask for from anyone: to be seen and heard. And it means a lot to me that you and others on here do. It's as much the same thing as J.

I'm doing okay today. Thanks for asking. I got to get away from H and my dad, and spent 6 hours with my mom, mostly at the pool. And then I talked to J again about feeling like I was holding my pain on my own, and she asked why I haven't written L that... Duh! L can't do crisis planning or consistent emails, but I can still write. For some reason, that didn't click. So I wrote her a short email, and I feel a lot better just putting it out there.

Thank you for the encouragement, too. I'm really trying so hard. If this was old me, L wouldn't be my therapist anymore and I'd probably be hospitalized. But neither have happened. I'm not in a crisis even though I'm struggling, and I am holding onto the both/and of L which is extremely difficult. But I'm doing it!

I wrote here because I just needed my people (all of you, my family, and all the therapists). I'm not expecting my issues to be solved overnight. I'm simply coping the best I know how to. So I thank you all for seeing and hearing me. It really does help!

Just finished round 26. Only 8 more to go! It's really been fun!

It's gorgeous, Artie!

Wow! Now it does have the same pizazz as the gold one! I think its the white rows that spark it up!

thanks! i had a little bit of confusion at that last white round, got halfway through it before I realized i interpreted the could-have-been-clearer directions incorrectly and had to undo it & then when i restarted it, STILL didn't interpret it right but only did 8 stitches before I went OH!!! Wait! I get what they're saying! and undid those and finally did it correctly haha. Gotta watch out for some of these patterns I tell ya....

I already messed up on L's baby blanket. I accidently skipped a stich on a couple of rows, so the blanket is slightly wider on the bottom than the top I don't mind too much, and neither will L. It will just show it's handmade, and as we say "perfectly imperfect"!

yep. i can see one small mistake i made early on, but i left it, for the same reason. But i had to fix this last round - what I did was so wrong that it would have thrown everything off completely going forward, as it had started curling up, and should lay flat, and I didn't know how to fix that without just redoing it. My grandma (who taught me to crochet when I was a kid, and taught me right away to rip out mistakes and re-do it) once made a shawl for my mom that was beautiful - but she saw one little mistake after it was almost done and she couldn't stand it - so she ripped the whole thing out and never got around to re-making it. My mom was so bummed. I ended up making her a replacement shawl a few years ago when she told me that story, I'd forgotten about it (no idea what the original looked like so I found a new pattern). I'm not quite as persnickety as my grandma was; I leave small mistakes because "only God makes perfect" and because it shows it's hand made, like you said.

Today is my 40th Birthday

RTerroni happy birthday!

Im doing a load of laundry. Yesterday i cleared a space in front of the front door so i won't die from smoke inhalation, unable to get out. Anyway its amazing how happy that bit of foyer space makes me feel. I feel like im living on the open prairie!

Its about being able to tolerate the pleasure. I remember my long term t asking me, isnt the purpose of life to be happy, and i was like, no wonder your not a nun anymore! No! Its to be miserable, depressed, and make sacrifices! Sheesh, where do people get these ideas?! Seriously, tolerate the pleasure. Tolerate. Not even enjoy it.

I might have to get another haircut this week. I cant tolerate it so thick and sweaty and dripping on my neck. Unless i just do it myself...

I understand the whole "tolerating the pleasure" thing. For me, I think it's partly that I feel I don't deserve it. Or that it won't last. I mean, OK, that doesn't fully explain why my areas of the house are a mess. But maybe it's part of it?

I also need a haircut. But I have anxiety about getting them.

Happy Birthday! Welcome to the 40 and over club on the couch (I'm a member).

I hate when I'm trying to figure out something during a therapy session, then it hits me on the way to the car. Had this been 2 years ago, I'd have emailed Dr. T about it. But now, I'll just wait until Thursday. And maybe think on it more between now and then.

That's hard, LT.

Is it worth writing the email anyway but not sending it, and then taking it to session?