*A lot* of anxiety induced Qs about upcoming appointments

-Therapy tomorrow. Thinking of doing another phone appointment. Third or fourth in a row if I recall correctly? I know she scheduled one on the phone, and then I couldn't drive because insomnia, and then I couldn't drive because benzo drunk, and I don't really know how much I slept vs. how much I just hardcore dissociated but in either case I haven't slept more than 40 minutes at a time in like a week and no more than 2 hours in a night and there's been four all nighters in the past week if my log is correct so I don't really think I can drive and I don't want to ask anyone else to drive me because everyone's already pissed at me for not being able to sleep. So is she going to be worried or pissed or frustrated that I keep avoiding seeing her in person (ESPECIALLY since one of those times I was high af), also especially considering last time I saw her in person she was concerned about my weight loss and wanted me to go to an eating disorder center.

-How do you do therapy with untreated ADHD and can't focus/remember stufff/process words/stick to one topic when meditation makes you hallucinate and even though yoga doesn't you can't really do that right now because you literally fall just trying to fill up a cup of water.

-How do you get over the feeling of being judged by your t? Like, can't even bring up that you feel judged/hated by your t?

-Pdoc appointment next week. If it's not snowing/ice storming it's in person, which means they'll weigh me and take my vitals. According to my fitness tracker watch thing my resting heart rate is 51. My BMI is 16.2. My eyes are super red from constantly purging. I am literally covered in bruises from falling and being tackled by my roommate. Is she going to be suspicious if I make it a phone appointment?

-If I do go in person, would they be able to tell if I tricked the scale by drinking a shyt ton of water, putting crap like change in my pockets, wearing a ton of layers but hiding them under sweat pants and a sweat shirt and raised my heart rate with a bunch of caffeine, and just said I was really sleep deprived? If she asks to see my arms (if my case manager tells her I've been SHing which I'm usually honest with her, pdoc usually asks to to make sure nothing's infected or needs stitches), how do I explain the bruises without concerning her?

How do I convince pdoc to take me off of med management when not knowing when I'm taking my meds, having to "perform" in front of my CW, and not having control of what I take makes me super anxious and a little paranoid?

edited to add: My pdoc wanted me to call her if I had another all-nighter or slept less than two hours after the second night of med changes. I had an all nighter the night before last night and I don't know how much of last night was sleep and how much was just hardcore dissociation but either way I didn't sleep more than 40 minute straight and if that was sleep it didn't happen more than 3 times. I know she said to call, but I feel it's pointless so should I bother?

-Why tf am I in treatment?