Long-term clients and maternity leaves

Thanks LT.

You make great points. I understand that babies take a lot of work. But she can't find 10mins in a week to read an email? From what you wrote, it makes sense why she might not be able to reply. I know replying takes longer and since she has been choosing to write longer emails, it takes more thought.

And I actually totally relate to thinking about people, but not contacting them. I tend to do that a lot. And L has said in the past that she'd be contacting me too much if she wrote to me every time she thought of me.

I do have a concern with her baby. The baby will be 3 months when she comes back, but I've read that at 4 months, babies often go back to not sleeping a lot, and you have to restart the sleeping schedules, etc.

This is all just so hard for me to hold. Each aspect is hard enough and then you put it all together and it makes no sense to me.

Can you deal with the pieces for now, and ask L to help you 'put it all together' in a way that feels safer for you?

We aren't meant to try to hold some things all at once.

Lost,
I think I'll just have to do that. I have to trust L which at this point is really scary. My fear is her inexperience and that she tends to downplay the importance of major things. Like she downplayed getting married as just signing a piece of paper. I had to point out to her if marriage was just signing a document, then why invite people? Why throw a party? My fear is she's downplaying how much things have changed. I feel like she thinks we can just pick up where we left off. But I know my feelings have changed. And I wonder what has changed in her.

I'm happy for her that she gets this experience. AND I grieve what this has done to me and to our relationship. People change. And ex-T said that people either grow together or grow apart. My fear is that we have grown apart.

You mentioning that we aren't meant to hold everything all at once reminds me of something L has said to me: future Scarlet and future L will deal with future stuff. That normally would be comforting except what if there is no future us?

I can tell you as a parent, that the first year it was very rare for me to check my emails, go online and so on.

the first year was filled with....

waking up when baby is awake, sleeping when baby is sleeping.

the waking time happens every 2 hours until the baby is old enough to sleep through the night. for most babies that means the mother is living on sleep deprivation style sleep cycles.

during those two hour awake cycles the mother is -

feeding baby, burping the baby
feeding herself
bathing /washing baby
bathing/ washing herself
changing diapers
bonding time with the new baby and family members

not to mention

the after birthing a baby medical appointments for the mother to make sure everything is healing up just fine.

researching and setting up a pediatrician for the baby
going to babies medical appointments to make sure baby is gaining weight, not struggling with feedings and so on

all this and more in a very small waking window before total pass out style exhaustion kicks in for the mother is anemic and low on all the nutrient counts due to every thing went to the baby.

most mothers cant even fully function for keeping up with their household chores, if they dont have a significant other pitching in the laundry backs up, dishes get done as needed for food prep and meals, bills are in a state of rob this one to pay that one for while on leave theres less money coming in to pay those bills.

there's more but my point is its going to take time for your treatment provider to be ready to sit comfortably for any real amount of time let alone have the time to read and answer emails.

most people on pregnancy leave - leave work at the office, and focus on home, getting their self back to health while making sure their child also gets what they need to be healthy.

give it some time. your therapist will answer your emails when she is back to the job and has her health back to normal and has settled into her new routines of what life for her is like after having a child.

right now her priorities is her and the baby not her clients.

honestly as a career woman myself after giving birth there really isnt much time for checking emails.

life is hectic, draining, and running on sleep deprivation, for parents until the new baby is old enough to sleep through the night without 2 hour feedings. and then its catch up time on the home front chores bills family and so on.

if Im remembering right your therapist thats now on leave, spent alot of time, like months helping you get set up with another treatment provider so that you had someone to go to while she was on leave. maybe that person can help you while your main t, is on leave.

I hear you, Scarlet.

Something I'm trying to lean on at the moment is the fact that the future only comes one day at a time, or one session at a time.

I'm not sure whether that helps at all.

Resist the temptation to catastrophize. I am reading a lot of “what ifs” and that’s just the kind of thinking that causes anxiety on situations that haven’t happened yet and might not even happen at all.

Trust that it will work itself out as things move forward. Ride the train; don’t jump in front of it. Your T has been caring and supportive and will continue to do so. Slow your thinking down and deal with things in the present.

Lost and Artley,

Yes, you are both right. I need to just focus on the present taking day by day. That's how I've made it through this so far. And that's the only way I can get through the rest of it. I can't magically make my feelings disappear, but I can choose to focus on other things instead of worrying about things I don't even know if they're true.

I also, somehow, need to trust L. I don't want to throw 4+ years away over a 3 month leave. She has been so good to me. I think that's why it hurts so much. Because our relationship changed drastically when she left. But I know that I'm still going to show up. Not sure on that day yet. I'll decide on that the day beforehand (delay, distract, decide). I need to honor my end of our agreements: to show up, come as I am, speak freely, not hurt myself, follow the safety plan, and have a last session before ending our relationship. Those are my agreements.

I'm just scared and hurting. It's been rough. I guess that was the benefit of having all those things happen to me during her leave. They distracted me from her and forced me to take it day by day.

Amanda,
Everything you mentioned is exactly my point. A new mom IS more concerned about the baby (as she should be). I don’t understand how L will be ready to be my safety support in now 9 days if she can't read a 10min email. Maybe she's lying to herself about being ready? Or maybe she's just coming back because she needs money. Whatever is going on with her, it doesn't add up, at least in my mind.

And yes, L found me a therapist, but he turned out to be way too passive along with a lot of other problems. No one, not L or J or T thinks I should go back to him.

But like what Lost and Artley were saying, right now I need to take it one day at a time and focus on me. If she is wrong about her capabilities, I will have to deal with that next week, not today.

One thing that comes to my mind when reading through the thread is: L said she's gonna be back in two weeks (less now) and before that she will respond to emails sometimes. She has not indicated that taking care of the baby is so taxing that she can't do work.

I'm coming to this with my own recent experiences. My T said he has to be out for a week more than expected, since he has cancer. No contact, he literally said if you feel like a danger to yourself, go talk to some emergency workers. Anyways, now he's back to work. That also means he has his responsibilities again.

L said she will be back and I think you should discuss what that looks like, does she respond like normal again to emails and so on... but she has made a commitment to being there again once a week for you. That includes some other things like emails, maybe a emergency phone call. Before starting to work again, she might decide to prioritize her baby over work, but that doesn't mean it's not possible to not do that.

As an example, imagine you're an uber driver or something like that. And you decide to take the week off and then on your last few days, you get a message how nobody else is working and pretty please there might even be some incentive to work right now. I am not saying that is what you did to L, but in that situation some people might say yeah, okay, I work. But others say no, I need these few more days. I think the second is actually the healthy choice. And it means after L will have energy to get back to work and be there for you instead of the baby.

Thanks CNS. I needed that perspective. AND I'm having a hard time holding it just because she said she'll read and respond when she 'can'. To me, 'can' and 'choose' are kind of different to me. 'Can' means when she has time. 'Choose' is more like what you were saying. Idk. But it's things like this that confuse me. I'm not saying I'm more important than the baby or that she should make time for my emails. I'm more just saying that I don't believe she can be my safety support if she 'can't' even read my email. But like how your perspective is definitely a possibility, I don't know what is going on. Usually she tells me something. But then again, I have been complaining how the last 7 months have been about her, so it also makes sense why she wouldn't tell me.

All of this has been so hard for me from being alone, going through life, keeping myself safe, trying to stand up for myself and feelings, trying to understand what/why things are happening, etc. There are so many changes in me, and there must be changes in her, too. And our relationship won't be back to normal for at least several months and that's even if it will ever go back to normal which I'm betting it won't. It's scary and painful! Change and the unknown are hard.

It's just my outside perspective, but to me it sounds like if you put "URGENT" into your email header, it sounds like she would always have answered. It's just that she has to do her own thing right now, so if you can manage on your own, she needs to focus elsewhere.
And while it's hard, I think you're doing a good job of that until she's around again.

Thanks CNS. I am trying.

I emailed T last night asking for advice/help. She basically told me the same thing: "You have gone this whole time apart being your own safety support. It's really nice knowing that she is there for you, but ultimately you are doing this on your own!". It's a little empowering knowing that I can and have taken care of myself. I also miss having constant support and knowing that I have a safety net.

Because of all my feelings, I probably wouldn't even depend on L right away anyways unless something extreme happened. I feel protective of myself and I don't trust her. I'm scared of her hurting me. I'm scared of the changes.

You're probably right about putting "Urgent" in my email. Actually, I'm pretty sure you're right which is why she was there for me when my dog was dying. For my dog, I texted her. For everything else I've been through, I put it in my weekly emails. I've barely used texting because I know I'd get a response.

You have given me a lot to consider. Actually, I feel that processing this here IS actually quieting my anger some. Like that I don't actually need a response and I don't need her as my safety support. I'm still scared, mostly of pain, AND maybe things will work out.

Okay. I've been sitting with this for a little while now (since I mentioned it in CNS's post). L wrote this on a sticky note for me before she left: "Little SP doesn't need to fight all the monsters on her own anymore". I didn't even remember she wrote that until I looked at them today. It just reignited my anger. There's probably some other perspective that I'm missing, but it just reminds me of how much I have had to fight monsters on my own since she's been gone. To me, it's another lie. Another way she fostered dependency and attachment. And then to abandon me? Just pisses me off.

And still no response from her about either one of my last emails. Not even an "I have read this" email which she said I could expect.

I do not see how our relationship can heal from her choices during this leave. I understand putting the baby first, but then don't be saying the things she has said to me.

Hugs, Scarlet. I am wondering something about what she wrote. Did she mean that little SP didn't have to fight them alone because she (L) would be there? Or might she have at least partly meant that adult SP would be there to help little SP? That she thinks the adult part of you has come far enough and become strong enough that she's able to take care of the child part? Because it sounds like you've done very well with that since she's been on leave, despite many life challenges.

Just trying to give another possible meaning.

I'm sorry she hasn't responded to you. I agree that she shouldn't have made promises that she didn't know she could keep. Even if she'd said something like, "I'll try my best, but don't know how quickly I'll be able to reply."

I do wonder if it's possible that she's sick or something else is going on? (That's what happened once when I didn't hear back from ex-MC for a week--he had the flu.) As it seems she's been good about responding to you in the past, even during her leave. I hope you hear from her soon.

LT,
While your interpretation fits, she meant because she was there/I was no longer alone.

I hope I hear from her soon, too. I'll admit I've started to become obsessive, refreshing my email almost every hour. And I look the first thing when I get up.

I figured from what you said that you knew what she meant in writing it. But thought I'd put that out there just in case she meant that.

I can be like that sometimes with email, too, if I'm waiting for a response with Dr. T, frequently checking my email (and was that way with ex-MC as well). Once an hour actually isn't that often, by my standards! But then I'm someone who checks my email very frequently in general. I do hope you hear soon. And that its a substantial response, not just "got your email, will reply later." Is it next Saturday (a week from tomorrow) that you're supposed to meet?

Thanks LT.

I'm glad I'm not alone in email checking, but also feel for you that you have done it, too.

Yes, she comes back, not tomorrow, but next Saturday. And still nothing from her.

This leave has been hard on me for another reason that I don't talk about much on here: my infertility. It's why I actually told her, maybe 1.5 years ago, that she needed to try to get pregnant before she gets too old. She told me soon after that conversation that she and her H decided they were going to try Jan of 2023. She got pregnant in Feb. I wanted this experience for her because I knew what it would mean for me if I ever got to have the experience, and I knew she wanted to have a baby at some point.

Last month, H and I decided that we weren't going to try anymore. I have too many conditions, I take too many meds that could harm a baby, and the process of switching or getting off meds would be really difficult for me. And I don't think I could live with myself if I harmed a baby. There's also a chance of multiples. H and I could only handle 1 baby, but we also wouldn't do selective abortion. That would be extremely difficult situation for us. There's also finances. With everything going on, I'm not sure we'll be able to afford a baby right now. I've also already been told by my doctors that it might already be too late for me. And then, we haven't figured out if H struggles with infertility, too.

Not having L help me navigate or process this decision has been really difficult. And her having the whole experience and not me, has been bittersweet to say the least.

Hi Scarlett,

I have been following your post but have been reluctant to post my support for fear of rejection or writing something wrong.

I know this time had been so hard for you. But you are almost there with your own inner strength.. no hospital, even as you dealt with other stressors on top of L. maternity leave. I hope at sometime in the future you can look back on this and see the progress you have made over time

You and L seem have a solid relationship. I am hopeful L will return and in short time you may regain your sense of balance with her.

She will be there for you and present in her interactions with you.

Deejay,
First, I'm sorry you felt some anxiety about posting on my thread. I hope I've never made you feel rejected!

Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to me. I probably don't see the whole picture because I'm in the thick of it. And I am feeling a little pride in myself and giving myself some credit. Mainly for the reason you mentioned: I have not wound up in the hospital nor have I hurt myself. And I've done it all without a therapist.

L and I did have a solid relationship for 4+ years. I need to remember that and hold onto that. Whatever is going on with her, it's not me. It can't be, right? I can't have that much power over anyone.

I do hope you're right about her being there for me again. And I hope there is some resemblance of our relationship when she comes back. I'm scared there will be nothing left.

I would be pissed too, Scarlet about the note about not being on your own anymore. I actually was pissed just thinking about it and how much it hurts to then still have to feel alone.
I think it will take time to feel ok with L again and I feel like you know that you are going to try even though it hurts so much right now. My feeling on all of this is that it is going to get better. Maybe a bit worse at first (like where you are now and maybe for the first while back) and then it will get better. You are in the thick of it right now.
With my first T, I never gave a crap if she was away or missed a week etc and I felt great that I wasn’t ‘clingy’ or ‘dependent’ etc but now I realise it’s because I had literally no attachment to her and was just going through the motions of therapy without getting any work done. Of course it didn’t last and I struggled to find a T. Flash forward to current T and I can feel like I’m dying if she has to cancel a session or be away etc. and I can hate her for it and be all kinds of messed up over it. And I know that’s because there is so much at stake because of how I feel about her and because therapy is working.

The point I’m trying to make is to remember it’s the downside of having that connection with L that you have had for 4 years and you are in the thick of all the negative feelings of being in the most challenging part and you don’t have her to help you through it. I am sure you will be angry and guarded with her when she comes back and it will take time but maybe that’s actually therapy?

Thanks Ana.

There's a quote that L and I used a lot: "Grief is the price of love". Like you're saying that the pain is because I was so close to L. But I'm not sure this pain is worth it anymore. I don't want to throw away a 4+ year relationship either. L fostered the attachment and dependency and then she wasn't there. She might have not made promises, but she didn't keep to what she said. She said say was safe, a part of my team, wouldn't leave me or abandon me. I know some are of the opinion that she didn't abandon me. But real or perceived, I feel abandoned. I went through worse than a rupture. Even L has mentioned that it's been a retraumatization. So she knows how her decisions are affecting me.

I don't know what will happen to L and I. I have ended relationships for much less. And yet I still write her weekly. Clearly I'm still holding on. And I don't know why.

L finally responded to both emails this morning. I'm overwhelmed and even more confused by them. She triggered my cling response. That feels dangerous to me. I don't want to be close to her. Why I'm so confused is because I don't know how to navigate the session. I thought I didn't want to do all our rituals, but after her emails, maybe I do? I seriously don't know. And that confusion is making me not want to show up because I don't want to make a decision.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm glad she did respond. You don't need to decide right now about the rituals. You can wait until you're in the moment. And even then, if you start doing one and it doesn't feel right, you can stop it. Try to remember that you have that power, that you can choose.

Thanks LT.

I just wish I knew how it would all be. I wish I was more certain about what I want.