Long-term clients and maternity leaves

A thought: perhaps you are ready and needing to set better boundaries. You’ve realized that the lack of boundaries resulted in a great deal of pain and distress for you. And rather than experience that again, you know that perhaps that is an aspect that needs to change.

Think of writing your thoughts in a letter to hold, not as a punishment for either of you, but actually as you working to sit with your thoughts independently so that you can continue to use your ability to sit with them even now that therapy is resuming with her.

Perhaps your response is a positive sign of growth.

It's interesting that you mention boundaries, Artley. In our last email conversation, L mentioned that I'm already setting boundaries with her. She thinks it's my protector parts defending me against her since I can't use all or nothing or good person/bad person. I amd trying to protect myself from her. It's really hard. Like holding these feelings in when I know I have access to her now. I haven't sent her my update/processing email yet which I do think as progress. However, I did send her an email last night because I had a breakdown and wanted her to know how she was affecting me. But I clearly stated my intentions and that I didn't expect a reply or support. I just want her to understand that at least for me, she can't leave and then come back and expect to pick up where we left off. There was too much pain and I cannot go forward just jumping right back in.

I think what I would find worrisome is you feeling as though she expects to pick up where you left off. As Artley mentioned, perhaps these boundaries are good and will help foster a sense of safety, if/when she is ever unavailable again. Is that something L is okay with (you setting boundaries)? Is that something you want?

Thanks Oceana.

To be honest, I don't know what I want. It changes moment by moment. In general, I want to protect myself from the pain now and in the future, but I don't know what that looks like. So I'm trying to take it all moment by moment.

I just feel so raw, vulnerable, fragile, and exposed. She already knows my deepest parts, so I can't protect myself there. She knows that I still love her, so I can't protect myself there either.

Oh! One boundary I know I'm changing is the amount she discloses about herself. 7 months of full disclosure wrecked havoc on MY therapy. Some might say that that is therapy in itself. I disagree. This is a therapeutic relationship. It should be about me; not her. Yes, I contributed to this loose boundary by asking questions. But I now realize that I can control the flow of information. Just like I've told her that right now, our sessions are about my experience; not her perspective.

I think the boundary you mentioned is very good, Scarlet!

I can relate to your wants and emotions changing from moment to moment. I don't have an answer, but I think just go with the flow. If it feels good to you, that's what *you* need.

Thanks CNS!

I think my dilemma right now is setting boundaries vs punishment (L and myself). I know some overlap which makes it confusing. Like hugs or saying "love". I don't know my boundaries around those two. They change constantly because who am I hurting by restricting them? Is not giving her joy worth denying something that would feel good to me? Some things are just too complicated right now so I'm going to wait and see how I feel in the moment. Like you said: it's about what I need; not her.

This seems like a good boundary to be setting, Scarlet. If she starts talking about herself, you can always stop her. You're right that it should be about you. And you can always decide later that you're open to hearing more from her, if you want.

And I think taking it moment by moment makes sense.

I think those are really great boundaries. I know this is a sensitive subject and I want to caveat this with that I completely understand your hesitancy and confusion around the love and hugs. In your posts, however, you’ve mentioned that you find yourself craving her and addicted. I can only imagine how devastating her leave was given how powerful your dynamic is and the words you’ve used to describe it. I’ve read your posts for awhile and can relate to your experience. As someone who also felt “addicted” to her therapist and is now no longer addicted, I think setting boundaries specifically around the intimacy of the relationship was really helpful for me, even if if they were devastatingly painful at first. They taught me how to self-soothe, rather than relying on the comfort of my therapist. I would feel incredibly vulnerable if I were in your shoes, too. I think you’re in a really scary and vulnerable position, and that’s why I found it so worrisome that she expects to pick up where you left off - it puts a lot of the responsibility on you to figure out what you need. When one is addicted, it may be hard to see what we need in a clear light.

Also, I apologize, I just realized you never used the word addicted, but craving. I have made limited posts so my posts still need to go through admin approval and I’m not able to edit things I’ve posted.

Thanks again Oceana.

It was okay to use the word "addicted". I am. I even used the word and "drug" in my update email. I do feel addicted to her and I feel her leave helped me wean off of her. I got used to not having the love, nurturing, and attachment. I do believe some of that is healthy. AND there needs to be limits. I don't know what those limits are.

The reason I believe she thought we could pick up where we left off is because she assumed we'd follow our rituals/plans we made back before her leave. I'm glad we didn't do a greeting hug or sitting on the floor. I'm not ready for that. And even though I did hug her and tell her I loved her at the end of session, I'm still not sure if it was a good idea. I think it has just left me more confused.

I'm still not self-soothing. Not really. I'm depending on my H and dog for comfort which I know is okay. I'm just not taking care of myself. I went into survival mode when she was gone and I had to deal with all those events. I guess I'm still in survival mode, this time with her presence whereas before with her leave.

It has been so difficult this past week. Knowing that I have access to her. Feeling all the conflicting feelings. I've made myself sick with headaches, nausea, stomach aches, and chest pain. I have cried with my H twice this week which is something I never do.

Part of me wishes she never came backm

So I wrote an email all week. It turned out to be really deep and long. I sent it last night and got a reply from L this morning. I feel underwhelmed. She talked mostly about how hard it must have been to write instead about the content. I didn't expect her to process anything, but I thought she might give me acknowledgement and mirroring outside of how hard writing it was. I responded back telling her I felt underwhelmed. Her response... that she hears that I feel "not-enough pain". Like really? That's it? I feel like she's denying me my experiences. She still hasn't acknowledged that I kept myself safe the whole leave.

I'm not looking forward to session tomorrow.

Hi Scarlet. Not sure what time you're seeing L (and I know you're on the opposite coast from me!), but just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and hope it goes/is going/went well.

Thanks, LT!

Session wasn't good or bad. Just painful. Lots of crying. I don't remember most of it. But she did acknowledge that I kept myself safe the entire leave. And I wrote her an email afterwards, and she acknowledged that I'm not doing things (showing up, talking, writing, loving her) because she deserves it. That she doesn't deserve it. Both acknowledgements make me want to move towards her, so I guess it's a good thing?

ETA: Wow. My email exchange with L tonight was so meaningful. As much as I'm scared to let her back in, her email made me feel known, understood, and validated. It's like we were in-sync with each other. It reminds me so much of the "us" I used to know. It just felt like we were one, and both holding respect for each other. So much warmth. Which scares the **** out of me because of all I just went through. I need to keep my boundaries to protect myself, preserve myself, and honor my experience. AND maybe, somehow, things might be okay?

I'm hopeful and terrified.

First, I'm sorry your session was so painful, Scarlet. Hugs, if wanted. I'm glad she acknowledged your staying safe and that she doesn't deserve certain things.

I'm glad your email exchange was meaningful though! It could be you just needed a bit of time to get back in sync, and this has happened pretty quickly. I hope things will be OK, though I'm sure it will take time to fully trust her and your relationship again. It seems the mix of hope and terror would be good to discuss with her. And also shows your ability to hold the "AND."

This attachment has ****** me up so bad.

Hugs, Scarlet...

Thanks, LT.

L sent me an email yesterday about policy and schedule changes, and it really threw me off. Then I waited 12 hrs for her response which she said it would be later that day. I guess 9pm is "later that day" to her, but 9pm to me is nighttime. The content was upsetting to me and just her contacting me was upsetting. Every communication with her, I obsess over. I wait and check all the time to see if she responded. And then I obsess over her response and read it a ton of times. I HATE my obsession. I know it's my attachment. It's that I'm longing for what I used to have, but all I'm allowing myself is crumbs. But because I'm so 'hungry', it's not enough.

I need help.

I can't seem to find a good middle ground. I'm still so confused about everything. I feel like I desperately need to protect myself and keep her at arm's length. But there's the other side of me that just craves her attention.

I thought of maybe her sending me a supportive email in the beginning of the week. Something that might "hold me over". But now I'm thinking that might not be a good idea. Maybe I need to push myself for no contact outside of session except my weekly update.

I don't know what to do. I just know I'm confused and hurting.

Hey scarlet. I am trying a new thing. Instead of saying, tomorrow i will do my chores, stay on my diet, be disciplined etc etc etc, i thought i would tell myself - tomorrow i will show myself love. I will treat myself as something precious. I will be sweet to me, as Thelma so famously said. Its hard for me to say exactly what i mean because it is a new experience for me. To appreciate myself. To bejewel myself! To not be felt as a burden (which my mother called me, an impediment to her life) but as a delight. Then what would this situation look like for you?

Bejewelling yourself is a lovely idea. It reminds me of what Clarissa Pinkola Estes says about loving our bodies as our consorts, using perfumes and oils to anoint ourselves.

Scarlet, she is available to you in session. Maybe this is a time to focus on the work in session in a concentrated and contained way. It sounds to me like you are feeling the sharp edge of when boundaries are (over) extended outside of session - it feels like care at the time, but actually can result in something unstable. That is her responsibility. Allow yourself to experience the cycle of contact-no contact-coming back into contact. Without that flow, you are stuck craving contact which doesn't help you reach something secure because you have limited experience of her not being available and then coming back into direct relationship with you. I think this would partly explain why her maternity leave was so crushing for you - she hadn't allowed you to build up the experience of her not being available to you and the associated reassurance and safety when she comes back into contact. Obviously, you have wanted this intense level of contact with her historically, but ultimately I don't think that having that need met really encourages growth.

Thanks Luna.

I definitely am not kind to myself on a daily basis. I think that's probably most important. Is this similar to self-compassion? I know L mentioned that a few times, but it's hard for me. But I think the way you put it, it seems more doable especially if I only concentrate on today and just being nice to myself. I will try it today! Today, would be a good day anyways because I see L today and that stirs up so much shame and confusion. But if I just take care of me, maybe I won't stress so much about it.

Also, I need to find more support and things that occupy my time. I did join a women's childless group on fb this week. I don't feel L is qualified to help me with that anymore. Now to figure out things to do during the day that I will enjoy.

Thanks Comrade.

I think you're right. I think too much contact is part of what's confusing me and upsetting me. It seems like I want that contact, but like Artley also said, I actually need the boundaries. It's been a shock to my system: so much contact to very little to so much again. And I think my mind/body is saying that it's just too much. Contact might feel good in the moment, but in the long run it hurts.

Plus, we're going to try twice a week in a week or two, again. I won't have much of a need or desire, I hope, to have that contact outside of session.

I think that part of my point is that you haven't had the opportunity to experience very little contact with her, even during her leave. From what you have described here, you have maintained contact with her (albeit less than you are used to) and I can imagine that this taunts you. It would have been really hard to have no contact during her leave and it would have made going back into direct contact with her really hard, but these periods of no contact are what adults need to be able to do. Maybe twice a week will work well, maybe it will simply circumvent the issue because it replaces one kind of contact with another. Hopefully she can help you work out what you need in order to grow your secure attachment, rather than just seeking to meet your immediate needs (which she does from a place of care, I have no doubt).

Comrade,
"but these periods of no contact are what adults need to be able to do."

This is very hard for me. I've been use to 24/7 contact with my H, almost daily contact with L, and multiple times a week contact with T when I was still seeing her. Everyone else, I can have separation from and it doesn't bother me. But with H or my support person, I've had continual contact with them for years. I think 20+ years. Even when I was in college, I saw my counselors each at least once a week. Plus I had a therapist. Gosh, even in high school with my teachers.

Just being honest, changing this would be extremely difficult for me. I think that me wanting some boundaries with L is progress.

Of course it's hard Scarlet, all of these areas of growth are hard for everyone. It's the level of difficulty and the complex nature of the development which makes it work rather than something straightforwardly soothing and satisfying (although it can be those things too). This will be really hard territory for you because it sounds like you have never been given the chance to be able to develop independence in this area, but it is possible to learn these things as an adult and ultimately it leads to fulfilment and some kind of soul retrieval (at least let's hope so! My work is different from yours, but key parts of my development are missing too and I am working hard too).