Long-term clients and maternity leaves

Hugs, Scarlet. It sounds difficult enough having not seen L for so long, let alone wondering whether her office will be different. I like Ana's idea about asking if she could send a pic of how it looks now. Or at least to describe it, to let you know the parts you're concerned about are still there. When ex-MC was moving offices, I asked if a particular floor pillow would still be there. (Not that I ever sat on it--was just a fixture of his office.) He replied, "Of course!" And also said he'd do what was needed to make sure it felt like a safe space.

I wonder if there's some sort of different ritual you could do together to reconnect that first session? Something that has particular meaning for the relationship? As for hugging her and things like that, maybe see how you feel in the moment?

After such a long break, reconnecting would be especially important.

How have you reconnected with her in the past? It might be an idea to think about something different.

Thanks Ana, LT, and Lost!

I can and should ask her for a picture of her office. That way I don't have to deal with the shock of walking in.

Our rituals included a welcome hug and goodbye hug. We always said it didn't mean everything was okay, but that we were both trying. We used to hold hands, too, during sessions. But I just don't want to even touch her right now. Another ritual was sitting on the floor. But that feels too intimate for me right now. I feel guarded and protective of myself. The start of session will be the same: most present feelings, safety, sleep, smoking. Then processing. That I don't mind, but I also don't think it will help with reconnecting.

I'm not sure how we have reconnected in the past. I feel like this has been a rupture and a re-traumatization. I don't remember how we have dealt with ruptures in the past. Continuing our routines? But I don't want to do that. Showing up? I'm pretty sure I will show up even though I don't want to. Come as you are? Definitely will. I'm not sure if I will want to talk much, but I will not hold back my feelings either.

Any ideas on how to reconnect in new ways? I didn't do any of my art projects, so we can't connect around that. I'm not willing to give her back her/our objects until I know where they'll be stored/placed.

I just don't want to do this. I almost feel like this experience has been worse than ex-T. Because at least ex-T was gone. L is coming back and I feel like she's been haunting me this whole time. Like she exists and knows what's going on, and still chooses to let me suffer. Maybe she couldn't legitimately do xyz, like find me another therapist when G didn't work out. AND I feel she could have stepped it up more like she did when my dog almost died. She always said I wasn't a job or a burden or that she wasn't taking time off to get away from me. But clearly, the lack of support shows that at least one of those things wasn't true.

Remember: She didn’t do this TO you. She had a baby.

And you have made it through. Be proud of yourself for that.

Have you considered starting with acknowledging your strengths and successes during this time? You have that as an option. Perhaps approach this return from the perspective of someone who thought you couldn’t do it but you have! Give yourself credit. I think that’s important. Because of the work you have done before, you got through a tough period. Maybe not unscathed, but you did.

I have found making a deliberate choice to give myself credit where credit is due has taken me a long way in self respect and confidence.

There will be time to reflect on all the things you believe your therapist has done wrong; it doesn’t have to be the first thing you do.

Maybe the best way to reconnect is to focus on your strengths and accomplishments during a really hard time.

Just a thought. Sometimes a change in perspective can make all the difference.

Honor YOU.

Artley,
Thank you. It's interesting that you say to give myself credit and focus on my strengths. All this time I haven't thought to do that. I've actually told L several times that I don't want her to be proud of me. But maybe I should be proud of myself?

I kind of feel like a failure. I didn't do anything amazing like skills wise. I didn't use many skills at all and I didn't do any projects either. I think the only skills I used was sleeping, tv, and one day at a time. I've been so distracted with life problems, that I didn't have time to wallow too much.

AND I did make it through all of it, on my own, without harming myself. In fact, thanks to meds, I actually stopped the skin picking, too.

Also, I am tired of everything being centered on L. For the past 7 months, it's been all about her and her leave and her needs and her baby. I have lost myself and MY therapy.

I do think it's been healthy for me to feel all my feelings. I'm not taking things out on myself.

It's a new perspective that I need to think on. Thanks!

I just need to vent...

L just texted me. I haven't heard from her in a week. She still hasn't responded to last weeks email. She responded that she just now was reading my email and that I'm not forgotten.

If she can't make time for me now, how, in less than two weeks, will she have time?

Her texting me just made things worse for me.

I'm sorry, Scarlet.

I know how painful it is to reach out and be left wanting.

Perhaps it's worth having a conversation about your needs and fears around contact between sessions, and what L can offer at the moment.

I hear your fear, and that's valid.

For me, an acknowledgement of my messages to R is better than nothing, but it doesn't always meet that connection need in the same way.

I hope you can take the step to be honest about what you need.

Of course, feel free to disregard this post if it's not helpful.

Take care,

Lost

In less than two weeks she’s returning to work, which means she’ll have some type of child care.

She’ll be at work having time for you while right now she’s likely with a baby all day (we don’t know what kind of baby she has either, easy going or problematic). I assume her husband works.

You had that concern before that how will she be ready then if she’s not ready now. Now she is providing full time child care. When she returns to work she’ll be be leaving the house and won’t be taking care of a baby all day.

Maybe you could focus on the fact that it’s not that she doesn’t care now so how will she care later. It’s just that her life is different now but it will be changing when she returns to work. She’ll be out of the house.

Thanks for the responses Lost and Divine.

L is going to start once a week on a Saturday. I assume her H doesn't work on the weekends so he can watch the baby. So I understand she'll have time for me on Saturdays. But the rest of the week, she won't have childcare. If she's going to be my emergency support again when she comes back, which she says she will be, how can she make time for an emergency then when she can't make time for an email now?

Yes, we need to have a conversation about between session support. I think I'm still allowed my weekly emails, but probably not daily at the start because of childcare.

I just don't understand why she has a full week to at least read and respond that she has read it, and instead she texts that she hadn't even read the whole email yet.

Maybe I'm not being clear here with my legitimate expectations vs unfair reality? I just feel like if she can't handle an email once a week, how will she handle emergency support in two weeks? And how will she handle increased communication?

Am I not making sense?

Your fears make sense, Scarlet...and I'm pleased that you're sharing them here.
L's return to work is bound to be something of a work in progress at this stage, and I bet she's trying to figure this out too.

Unfortunately we can't speculate on why she might not have read your whole message.
It's possible she thought she would offer you reassurance by saying that you haven't been forgotten, and that backfired.

Responding to email is more cerebral, I think, whilst responding to an emergency/crisis message is more immediate.

You can't know what is realistic until you've spoken with her, but it's an important conversation to have.

I hope everything goes well for you Scarlet and I hope your therapist allows emergency contact again as it is important to you. I hope the both of you can talk about it on Saturday and everything will work out for you.

You are making sense! I totally get it now. All I can say is maybe that particular week was different for who knows what reason on her end. She has replied all the other times if I remember rightly?
And she has agreed to be your emergency support when she returns which she hasn’t yet so maybe she thought it was an acceptable response for now
Just trying to offer a different perspective but I can imagine how scary it must be for you right now

Thanks Taylor!

L has already agreed to emergency contact. I'm assuming that means returning emails and phone calls within 24hrs (that's what it was before). I guess I should clarify that either in my next email (on Sunday) or our first session back (the 17th).

I don't understand how everything is going to work out from all angles. H is pushing me to not go back yet. He thinks my anger and hurt and fears are just too much for me right now. And as much as I feel those feelings as well as abandoned and betrayed, I feel like I need to honor one of my agreements: to have a final session. So no matter how long I put it off (not saying I will), I need to see her at least one more time.

Thanks Ana.

Yes, she's replied every week. This is the first week she has missed. And she still hasn't replied. I know I don't know her situation and I know that replying weekly, in length, isn't our agreement. AND the text just felt so disrespectful. Like as if she was saying: "I didn't forget you and I didn't have time for you". To me, those are two opposite things.

I just seriously don't understand how she can have no time for me now without childcare, and in 11 days with only 1 day of childcare, she'll be able to respond within 24hrs. And I don't understand how she can be holding me in mind all week, but not have even 10mins to read an email. Now she has two emails to read (this Sunday's and lasts).

I am scared. Scared of a lot of things. But mostly angry. I'm just holding so much anger and also confusion. It's hard maintaining a relationship after 3+ months of minimal contact. I don't understand relationships in general, so this is harder for me to grasp.

Scarlet, I'm sorry you're struggling so much and that L hasn't been there for you recently. I'd also be upset that she took so long to reply (and then didn't really respond to your email).

But I wanted to address the part I bolded. For me, I can often be bad about getting back to people (friends, family, etc.). I usually have every intention of doing so. And in many cases, I've thought about the person quite often, even thought out what I was going to say. But then I don't get around to sending the text/email/message for whatever reason, like I'm about to, and something comes up.

However, it doesn't mean that I've forgotten them. Which I imagine is the case with L.

Also, newborns are a *lot* of work and exhausting. They often need to be fed every couple hours (depending on how she's being fed) and have diapers changed around that often. And tend to be awake a bunch during the night. So L is likely struggling through that phase.

However, once they're out of the newborn stage, they don't need to eat as often (as they can eat more at a time) and typically get better at sleeping. I'm saying this because L may not have time right now, but she should gradually have more time. And some of it can be working out a routine and getting used to it.

But I would definitely express your concerns about time and find out what you can expect in terms of responses to emergency contact. I imagine she's doing her best and wants to be there for you, but it's just a struggle and a balancing act right now.

This is partly speaking from my own experience. The first 2-3 months with D were a bit of a nightmare in terms of my being able to function (didn't help that I had what I later realized was postpartum depression). But it got more manageable with time. So I wouldn't assume how it is now with L is how it will be in even a month or two from now.

Thanks LT.

You make great points. I understand that babies take a lot of work. But she can't find 10mins in a week to read an email? From what you wrote, it makes sense why she might not be able to reply. I know replying takes longer and since she has been choosing to write longer emails, it takes more thought.

And I actually totally relate to thinking about people, but not contacting them. I tend to do that a lot. And L has said in the past that she'd be contacting me too much if she wrote to me every time she thought of me.

I do have a concern with her baby. The baby will be 3 months when she comes back, but I've read that at 4 months, babies often go back to not sleeping a lot, and you have to restart the sleeping schedules, etc.

This is all just so hard for me to hold. Each aspect is hard enough and then you put it all together and it makes no sense to me.

Can you deal with the pieces for now, and ask L to help you 'put it all together' in a way that feels safer for you?

We aren't meant to try to hold some things all at once.

Lost,
I think I'll just have to do that. I have to trust L which at this point is really scary. My fear is her inexperience and that she tends to downplay the importance of major things. Like she downplayed getting married as just signing a piece of paper. I had to point out to her if marriage was just signing a document, then why invite people? Why throw a party? My fear is she's downplaying how much things have changed. I feel like she thinks we can just pick up where we left off. But I know my feelings have changed. And I wonder what has changed in her.

I'm happy for her that she gets this experience. AND I grieve what this has done to me and to our relationship. People change. And ex-T said that people either grow together or grow apart. My fear is that we have grown apart.

You mentioning that we aren't meant to hold everything all at once reminds me of something L has said to me: future Scarlet and future L will deal with future stuff. That normally would be comforting except what if there is no future us?

I can tell you as a parent, that the first year it was very rare for me to check my emails, go online and so on.

the first year was filled with....

waking up when baby is awake, sleeping when baby is sleeping.

the waking time happens every 2 hours until the baby is old enough to sleep through the night. for most babies that means the mother is living on sleep deprivation style sleep cycles.

during those two hour awake cycles the mother is -

feeding baby, burping the baby
feeding herself
bathing /washing baby
bathing/ washing herself
changing diapers
bonding time with the new baby and family members

not to mention

the after birthing a baby medical appointments for the mother to make sure everything is healing up just fine.

researching and setting up a pediatrician for the baby
going to babies medical appointments to make sure baby is gaining weight, not struggling with feedings and so on

all this and more in a very small waking window before total pass out style exhaustion kicks in for the mother is anemic and low on all the nutrient counts due to every thing went to the baby.

most mothers cant even fully function for keeping up with their household chores, if they dont have a significant other pitching in the laundry backs up, dishes get done as needed for food prep and meals, bills are in a state of rob this one to pay that one for while on leave theres less money coming in to pay those bills.

there's more but my point is its going to take time for your treatment provider to be ready to sit comfortably for any real amount of time let alone have the time to read and answer emails.

most people on pregnancy leave - leave work at the office, and focus on home, getting their self back to health while making sure their child also gets what they need to be healthy.

give it some time. your therapist will answer your emails when she is back to the job and has her health back to normal and has settled into her new routines of what life for her is like after having a child.

right now her priorities is her and the baby not her clients.

honestly as a career woman myself after giving birth there really isnt much time for checking emails.

life is hectic, draining, and running on sleep deprivation, for parents until the new baby is old enough to sleep through the night without 2 hour feedings. and then its catch up time on the home front chores bills family and so on.

if Im remembering right your therapist thats now on leave, spent alot of time, like months helping you get set up with another treatment provider so that you had someone to go to while she was on leave. maybe that person can help you while your main t, is on leave.

I hear you, Scarlet.

Something I'm trying to lean on at the moment is the fact that the future only comes one day at a time, or one session at a time.

I'm not sure whether that helps at all.