Long-term clients and maternity leaves

I did therapy over the phone after covid started, and even though I missed T's physical presence, I found not being seen much easier to deal with, especially when trying to process really difficult stuff.

I know silences are hard, particularly over the phone. But you don't need to constantly be talking in therapy just because you can't see each other. Sometimes just sharing the silence with a T can be very powerful emotionally, and feel very healing, especially when you can sense they are really with you.

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Thanks East.

Silences are hard for me. I'm not used to them with L or in life. L has never left me alone in silence because I asked her not to. She's not pushy or anything. She just fills the silence. For example, she'll say that she's there and it's okay to need a break. Things like that.

I feel like if I was silent on the phone, she'll think I hung up on her. Video would at least give her evidence I'm still there, but I don't want to visually see her right now.

I get this. I very rarely have silence with my T. If I'm quiet, he tends to fill in the space with talking. Which is easier for me. With being silent on the phone, she should be able to tell if you've hung up, as the phone connection would have ended. (Though she wouldn't be able to tell if you'd, say, put the phone down and walked away.) Maybe you could talk about how to do silence on the phone?

Random idea: I have a white noise machine that I use to help me sleep. There are also (free) white noise apps on phones and tablets, like iPads. Or a fan could serve the same purpose. Just wondering if there's something that makes noise that you could have going in the background so L would know you're still there, but you wouldn't have to talk?

LT,
I actually do have a white noise machine! That definitely might work. Thanks!

Pdoc said something to me today: that L feels grief from losing my trust. I asked L if that was true. She said yes she does. My heart actually hurts for her. I want to be important enough to affect her, but not harm her. I can't just forgive her, but maybe I'm being too hard on her. The fact that my trust still means something to her...means something to me.

I thought everything today was actually going well. We were getting to the core pains, personally and with the leave. I felt like she was tracking, maybe even understanding. I even was able to do a little eye contact. And then I remembered something she said that upset me. We skipped over it, but now it's starting to eat away at me. She said something like I could have emailed more often. Like what?!?! The agreement was one email a week! I could have emailed more... WTH?!?! I'm so angry if that was supposed to be an understanding because clearly I didn't get it. It's just mind-boggling that I could have had more from her when I really needed her?

Hugs, Scarlet. Do you mean she said that *she* could have emailed more often or that *you* could have? If she's saying that she could have emailed more often, you may want to clarify what she meant. Are you sure she wasn't apologizing? In the sense of, "It would have helped you if I'd emailed more often." Sort of like, "I could have done better."

If she's saying that *you* could have emailed her more often, that's a bit different. But at the same time, would it have helped if she wouldn't have been able to respond? Whichever thing she meant, I'd definitely talk about it more.

You're right. It wouldn't make a difference how much I could have written. I needed her engagement.

We have been talking about it in email... I feel like she's blaming me. She's saying I could have reach out however much I needed like any other vacation/leave. And that she appreciates when I'm direct and open with my needs. ??? I not only feel confused, but blamed and chastised.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry she's blaming you--that's not fair. I remember you saying on here how she was allowing one email a week. Did she forget she'd told you that? I hope you can work this out.

No. She says she first told me that her maternity leave was like the other leaves/vacation. And then I came up with only once a week update emails. I am the one that chose once a week because I thought that was the most she'd agree to because I didn't know it was unlimited... Why would this leave be like the other leaves/vacations. If I could have just depended on her, then why did we find G? I just don't understand. I don't understand why we agreed to once a week or why we needed G if I could have unlimited contact. And why would I assume this leave was the same? She gave birth and is breastfeeding and has sleepless nights. Why would I assume she had any time for me? Once a week I thought I was lucky to get. But now... I suffered through everything for no reason???

I'm sorry, Scarlet.

I feel you were in the right with how you responded to L's leave.
It's reasonable to think that an expectant mother's focus would be elsewhere.
It's possible that L wanted you to have a backup plan in G, if she was unavailable for any reason.

I'm sorry for the pain you are in.

Thanks Lost.

If we're going off the assumption that the maternity leave is NOT like other leaves, then having G or some other backup therapist makes sense.

I think I'm going to need to either stop emailing her or tell her not to respond. I don't enjoy this constant contact. I just wanted to express myself, not really process. I feel like I need to keep space. Even though I like the connection, I just don't want to depend on it.

I am jist getting frustrated. I'm tired of so much pain. I just want to skip to the part where it's all better.

I hate myself. L and I have been emailing all weekend. The last time she wrote was 9 hours ago. I responded 30mins after. I have waited all day for a response. I'm so pathetic. Why would I think she would continue the conversation? That she would respond in a timely manner? She has a full life. I have none. I don't think I can do this anymore. All of this: emailing, therapy, life. And I can't be in an intimate off-balanced relationship. It's not fair to be so vulnerable and the other person risks nothing.

Hugs, Scarlet. I get it...

Scarlett if for no other reason its just good practice to have a therapist on record in case of a hospitalization or other needs the absolutely couldn't wait. That is the likely reason for G.

Thanks LT. I'm sorry that you also get it, but it's reassuring that I'm not alone.

Deejay, you make a great point. I do have an emergency therapist if I need. T has been there for me for almost 9 years. She said, not promised, that she won't abandon me and will be there until she can't (like if she retires). Even though I struggle with connecting with her now, it's nice to have someone who is always there.

So L finally responded at 6:30pm. I was too upset by then, so I threatened quitting. She suggested we have a phone call this morning. Once again, I did something wrong. With my expectations with emails, I should have assumed she wouldn't write back until noon the next day... So certain assumptions are okay (should have assumed before noon rule) vs some assumptions are wrong (that the maternity leave wasn't like the others)?

We keep missing each other. It's beyond frustrating. I don't think this is how we used to be? I just want my old relationship back.

Session with her in 6 mins...

Good luck! I hope she can be there for you in a way you need and that you can reconnect at least a little bit.

More crying. AND progress! Let's hope that I can hold onto it and something doesn't derail me.

We went through so much again that I can't remember the first half of the session. Second half, we talked about why she wasn't there the two weeks before she came back (makes sense now). We also talked about our common ground: honesty, respect, care, love, keep trying, teammates, seek understanding, etc. She said she is not my enemy, that I don't need to be good or small to keep her. We talked about treating myself to good things, giving my grief a break. And we talked about how physical boundaries slowly become internal boundaries, but that it's not something you just choose to do. It happens over time.

I don't know. I still have one major question: why didn't she find me another therapist when G and J didn't work out?

I still went through what I went through. It was real. And it's frustrating that neither one of us changed direction. We just followed our agreements. She did say that we won't do this again in the future. That we will not repeat this now that we know better what I need. But I still need to work on asking for what I need.

Our 5 year anniversary is coming up. She wants me to ask her for what I'd like: to do in-person that day. I want to, but I also don't think I could handle a no. But I should just ask. Ugh!

L and I had our first safety support call this morning. It was a really bad night last night. It was a good and helpful call. She helped me figure out a lot of things including processing what happened and how to make it through it all today. And the phone call felt wrong, too. I don't feel like I should be depending on her. I was able to do my own safety while she was gone. I just feel like I shouldn't have reached out. Once again I'm confused over her.

Hugs, Scarlet. I think you see her tomorrow (Saturday), right? I hope that session is helpful.

Yep, tomorrow. And we have a lot to talk about. I had to make a list so I wouldn't forget. Our anniversary is coming up and I asked if we could meet that day in person, we need to discuss how the safety support landed on me, how doing "are you there?" emails feel, and I want to bring a first item back that I've had since her leave.

Lists are good in my experience, Scarlet.
Mine tends to grow in the run up to a session.

I'm impressed that you could ask to meet in person - I know that would have been hard.

It feels like you're on your way to getting back on track with L...at least I hope so.