Couch 247: Choose Cheese!

This discussion reminded me, I recently got a temperature controlled mug. It has has a heating element that will keep your drink at the temperature you set in the app, so your cup never gets cold when you forget about it for a while. Perfect for me.

In other news, today I got reminded of this weird dichotomy I seem to have. I'm the first person in my friendgroup to get grey hair (I'm 31, most friends around that age, all of them men). At the same time, people in stores and similar seem to perceive me as very young looking. I get ID'd for buying beer constantly (allowed after you turn 16!!) and recently a student started calling me the informal "you" meant for people in non-professional settings that are around your age, but even then usually you start with using the formal one. And it wasn't like she was being rude, I realized she thought I had just finished highschool and was in my first year of college. When I told her I actually have multiple years of work experience after finishing my degree, I'm not sure whether she now thinks I'm somehow a 20 year old gifted person or whether the grey hair will start to set in for her at some point...
And before anyone asks, it doesn't look like an artifical grey, it's like brown peppered hair.

Sigh - i used to look young too! I had a male boss once yell at me that he had "six years of experience!" I was like, i have sixteen...?! I musta looked darn good!

Another time, i went to this same boss to ask him to approve something. He refused. I pouted at my desk for a while, then went back, why are you holding me up, i need this to continue my work! He goes, there is NO WAY you need this NOW, you could NOT have finished the first task, you are
asking in advance. I was like, i finished the first task two weeks ago because i work proactively, ya big dummy. I anticipated this second part and i was right. Plus, that is just the right way to work.

Ford Motor deserves every bad thing that happens to them!!!

I was still getting carded in my 50's haha but they don't anymore. I guess that means I am officially old now.

Welp, it appears that my anger towards L has faded. I'm not even really feeling hurt anymore, strangely enough. Just, sad that I didn't get to say goodbye. When I told her I wanted this break, I honestly didn't realize at the time that it was a permanent one. I assumed that like always, I'd resume at some point. Her non-response to my email 3 weeks ago (and the whole situation in general) have cemented my resolve to not go back. I'm just sad that we didn't say a "proper" goodbye, whatever that means. Maybe it's better this way, just to fade into obscurity from each other. I don't know. I miss the way things used to be, but not what they became.

(off to find the Bob Newhart video now, i could use it)

Yesterday my poem for the day was an Abecedarian. Those are fun. The first letter of each line forms the alphabet. Oh and I have my 2nd OA meeting about 30 minutes after I log off work so in about 35 minutes. Looking forward to it. H brought home chocolate again. I've been off processed sugar crap since what Saturday? I forget. Chocolate is definitely one of my trigger foods, once I get off sugar, it's just easier not to eat any of it at all, than it would be to take just one bite. I should be getting a temp sponsor this afternoon, to walk me through my first 12 days working the program. last week was just an intro but today i officially start.

Found it

Good meeting. I think OA is exactly where I need to be right now.

Glad it was helpful, Artie!

Also glad your anger with L seems to be fading.

So yesterday i cleaned up the carpet around my tv chair, frankly it was full of crumbs, and now every time i catch a glimpse of it, im like boy what a beautiful carpet. And i didnt even vacuum it, i just ran the fuller brush mechanical sweeper over it. If i ever do clean this place up, my head will effin explode.

That sounds like a great step forward! Taking the initiative demonstrates leadership and teamwork skills. It's natural to feel a bit nervous, but it's clear that you handled it well.

Maybe you could also keep a achievement book and write your wins in there?

Baby steps and you’re doing really well.

I clean in bits too. One day the shower, another the kitchen counter and also live in a studio and still find it hard to keep up.

Evolving feelings towards L reflect a natural process of grief and acceptance. it signifies the loss of something meaningful in your life.

Closure plays a significant role in the healing process, allowing individuals to come to terms with the end of a relationship and move forward with a sense of peace. However, closure doesn't always come in the form we expect, and sometimes finding closure within ourselves is necessary for emotional healing.

Your acknowledgment that you miss the way things used to be but not what they became highlights a sense of disillusionment with the relationship's trajectory. This recognition suggests growth and introspection, as you've come to terms with the reality of the situation and prioritized your own well-being by choosing to move forward.

Maybe you could write a letter to L, you don’t have to send. Pick a rock from a walk, focus your thoughts on it about L then throw it
to symbolise leaving it behind.

Thank you Lemoncake, that makes so much sense. I have written her several letters in my journal, and a handful of poems too, that will never be sent. These, toward finding that closure inside myself, because I really do believe that is the best way. I'm starting to see that this whole 'wanting a proper goodbye' thing is mostly the codependent need to be sure she's not mad at me (ie, to control how she feels about me). CoDA has been a big help in figuring that out!

I like your idea about the rock, too! And I'm going to try it this morning on my walk to see how it feels.

Artie, I referenced your posting of Newhart's "Stop It!" with Dr. T today because it fit well with something that came up at the end of session. He knew the scene, and we were both laughing about it, which was nice.

I was telling him how I'd submitted my second assignment in the memoir course. And I read him a very short excerpt (it was about "Stone-gate," for those who remember that). He was praising my writing ability in general--I've shared a couple pieces with him in the past, including reading part of one out loud a week or two ago. He was asking how it felt to be working regularly on this, and I said good. That it was a positive outlet.

Then I said, "Though I need to start walking more, too."
Dr. T: Why are you doing that?
Me: Well, I mean, I need more exercise, so...
Dr. T: No, I mean, why are you sh***ing on this positive thing by focusing on something negative instead?
Me (tearing up):"I don't know.
Dr. T: Why don't we try celebrating the positive part?
Me: OK. I can try to do that.

I sent it to L at some point and she thought it was funny too and then after that she started telling me to "stop it" randomly. haha.

Follow-up: I did go for that walk and found an appropriate rock along the way, found a good place to throw it where I can't access to try to find it again (ha) sat with it a bit pouring my thoughts/feelings about all of this into the rock. There was a lovely breeze blowing through just then that felt like some kind of sign that letting it go is the right thing. So then I got up, turned around, and tossed the rock over the railing into the wash below (where there's already a ton of rocks). I said out loud "I'm letting it all go with that rock so I can move forward" then turned around again and walked back home, "leaving it behind" so to speak.

(I am aware I may likely have to do this several more times.)

I just wrote today's poem about the experience. We're on day 80 I think of the year-long challenge. And it's day 5 of National/Global Poetry Month.

I am not sure that all these big gestures are necessarily going to get rid of the feelings you seem so desperate to rid yourself of. In some ways, it might be more important to have the feelings and let them move through you rather than always trying to do something or have some symbolic act.
Just a thought.

Actually, I feel like it will. Ritual can be a powerful thing. I've been doing a lot of sitting with my feelings about all of this, a lot of writing, instead of eating my feelings for the past week or so; and I felt like it was time to do something to symbolize moving forward from obsessing about something I can't change.

I know it's going to take time but today I feel like I took a step forward.

Then good luck with it.

I am not questioning ritual itself as being something some find useful in some situations. That was not what I was trying to say. Not even close.

I am in a legal cannabis state and have a med card but never really grew up knowing much about it. In high school and college -the drummers were stoned but the rest of us mostly drank alcohol and didn't smoke. So I am having to learn how to use various implements to use to help with some chronic pain/sleep issues.
I need herb for dummies or something. I sit with the toys and start and stop youtube videos. So far I may be the only person who has completely flunked water pipe.

I apologize for misunderstanding.

You need enough water to cover the stem inside the pipe, but don't go crazy either. Probably a third of the way up the pipe is a reasonable amount. Cover the hole with your finger. Put your mouth into the top of the pipe and inhale while lighting. Inhale hard enough so you get the water moving and some bubbles. Once there is some smoke in the pipe, quit using your lighter, take your finger off the hole and inhale. But pace yourself or you'll inhale too much at once. You can always cover the top of the pipe with your hand and get the rest of the smoke later. If that is helpful, maybe my stoner 20's weren't a complete waste.

Also you want the cannabis in smallish pieces, but not dust-like or it'll burn up too fast. But also don't stick a whole stem in there either.

I doubt we are any clearer to each other than exhankster and I are. There can be challenges in communicating when we come at life from such different angles.
But it is interesting to watch us all try.

Thanks - one of my attempts was ground too much and it just fell into the water - then I got a screen for the bowl. Mine doesn't have a hole -you just have to lift the bowl up itself. I didn't really know what to look for when I got my first one. I really got the water pipe (being fancy and all) to use with the vape but thus far am not coordinated to lift, inhale, and not knock something over or choke. And it tastes terrible - just like burned charcoal. I like it with the vape -just awful at it when I use it by itself.

I can see it now, topping the NYT bestseller list:

“The Couchies’ Guide to Using Cannabis”

We could start a whole dummies-type series!

“The Couchies’ Guide to Grammar and Punctuation”

“The Couchies’ Guide to Leaving Therapists”

And so on.