Therapist moving offices: Thoughts to honor old space and welcome new one?

The T I've been with for 6 years is moving his office in a couple months. It's not that far away, and will actually be slightly closer for me. But I'm pretty attached to his current space. And he's said his new one will be "75% smaller," too (his current one is quite large).

I struggled when ex-T and ex-MC changed offices (even though it was literally up the block). I'm thinking it might help to honor/say good-bye to the old space, including the work we did there, and welcome the new one. I'm trying to figure out what might feel meaningful that my T would also agree to.

Ideas? I know another therapist in his office suite burns candles, so I assume they're allowed. So that's a thought, something involving a candle (for good-bye and/or welcome, depending on rules in new building), but I'm not sure what specifically to do.

And he has a small glass fish in his office that I gifted him for the 5-year thera-versary, I wondered about asking if I could be the one to place it in the new office. But I don't know what he'd say to that. (If I hadn't already given him something for his office, I'd have considered that, but not trying to add another thing, particularly with it being smaller.)

Any other thoughts? Is there something you did--whether with a therapist, when leaving an old home/moving into a new one, etc. that you found to be meaningful? (I feel like this has been discussed before, but it seems like a difficult topic to search. Feel free to link if you know of a thread.)

I can relate. L's not moving offices, but she's going to redecorate it taking out bookshelves, a desk, artwork, and maybe her chair. And she's adding at least a couch. She wants her room to accommodate a lot of people for when they do group meetings. And they have someone else designing the space! I told her I'm not bringing back any of her things until I know they'll have a home.

I think lighting a candle is an awesome idea. L wants us to do an extra session or a longer session to say goodbye to everything that's leaving. I don't know how to do that either.

Just realized that I said "75% smaller," when I meant "75% the size of his current office." That's what I get for making a post on like 4 hours of sleep! I am terrible at actual dimensions, but let's say the office is 12 feet long now--the new one would be 9 feet long (dimension the other way is staying the same).

I'm glad you understand, Scarlet. And sorry you're dealing with the office being remodeled--I see where that would be distressing, too. That makes sense to hold onto your things until you know where they'd go.

I hope you'll be able to do a longer session (or an extra one). When is she making the change? Maybe we can share ideas with each other. You and L already have some rituals, so maybe it will be easier to come up with one that works for both of you.

I took photos of his old office. He knew I was not feeling great about moving. I was the last client in his old office and I think he was feeling a little sad about leaving too. I bought him a candle as an office warming gift. Still sitting there so I'm not sure if he likes it or not even though it was a pretty tame Sea Salt scent.

Thanks for sharing your experiences with this. I was thinking of photos, too. I imagine he'd let me take some of his office. I'd like to take one with him in it, but I'm about 95% sure he'd say no. (I don't think he likes having his photo taken.) I suppose it's worth an ask, as long as I'm willing to accept the answer?

I discussed this with a friend the other day and was saying maybe he'd be willing to sit in his chair for a pic, as long as his face was covered in some way. Which led to my googling silly masks he could wear.

With the candle you gave him, maybe he didn't want to burn it, as then it would get used up?

Instead of a mask it could also just be a book opened fully.

That's a good thought. I mean, ideally, it would just be him without anything in front of him. But thinking of compromises, and that seems a good one.

Or just the legal pad (notepad) had tends to have sitting near him). As I'm now thinking--wait, which book? Or open his laptop and hold it in front of his head. Or hold up a plant. Cover his face with his hands. Maybe we can brainstorm. And make it fun? Unless he says definitely no to any of it.

My old T moved after 16yrs of seeing her in "our room"... Becuse I am highly attuned to surrebdings I knew where every book was in get large bookshelves so whrn she moved she put the books back exactly (well almost) the same as, they had been in the old room.. She sent me a photo and I replied "almost thy+e same" and she replied "well, you're right!! I lost 1 book in the move and I'm amazed you knew, that!"

I'd probably take pictures of things. And ask him to bring some of the things to the new office, like plants, his (very bad and weird) art posters, stuff like that.

When my T redecorated his office (substantially), he sent me photos of it before my session, so I could see it and get a little bit used to it before setting foot in it. He also allowed me to give him a gift, a decorative item that went well with his updated office. He also sent me photos of the old space (because I had neglected to take any). All of those things helped immensely, but it was still a hard transition. I couldn't even sit in his new chairs for a few sessions. I just sat on the floor with my back against the wall, looking at them. (So weird how important the space itself, and the things in it, become.) He was very patient and understanding.

Sorry it was so difficult for you. Did it just take time to adapt, or was there some particular thing you did? I get what you mean about the space being so important. I do wonder if some of this is that my parents are still in the house I grew up in, so I'm not used to change.

I was thinking of asking if he could show me photos of the new space. i get the sense (from asking) that he's going to make the move over a weekend, so even if he could, say, text me a pic of the new office before my first session in it, that would help. Or send a pic of it empty, but I'm not sure that would be as helpful.

It just took time. I had to come to see and believe that he was the same in the new space, and that our relationship was the same. And I had to just sit and look at those stupid chairs, and be mad at them, that they weren't my old "safe" chairs. And my teenaged part wrote a poem about the new chairs and I read it to him. And it was fine after a couple of weeks.

I don't know that it's about not being good at change. I moved five times in childhood and would say I'm relatively adaptable to change. For me, it had to do with a sense of safety. Because of trauma, I never really carried a sense of safety within me, and didn't really feel it in the world, either. And it wasn't until we worked together for a long time, that I felt a sense of safety. And I felt it in his office like I felt nowhere else in the world. So to have that space disrupted was really hard.

But ultimately, I think it was good, because it helped me see that it wasn't really the space that was safe, but the relationship, and also, that I have the ability to keep myself safe and/or get back to safety (that lesson has taken a long time to learn, and his space changing was only a small part of learning that, but I think it's a critical lesson).

Thought I'd update this a bit, as the move is now at the end of this month.

It's been difficult at times. One being when he informed me a few sessions ago that the couch I sit on would be gone the next session. That he realized it wouldn't fit in the new space, and he found someone who needed it. So my literal seat was being taken away, more than a month before I thought it would be. I mentioned wanting to take photos of his office before he took everything out, so he suggested I just do so then, though he didn't want to be in any of the photos. So he stepped to the side while I took a bunch, and we were sort of joking and laughing through that.

The couch also had significance to me because, when he first returned for good after the pandemic, in March (I think?) 2022, I had to sit in a chair further away from him, due to the whole 6 feet thing. It was months before he let me sit in my usual spot on the couch (maybe 3 feet from him? 4?). So I think it took on greater meaning due to that. I asked if he could put one of the chairs near my usual spot for our next session and didn't expect him to remember. But he did, and it's felt generally OK.

Then, two sessions ago, he let me know that he'd be chopping up he palm tree in the corner (which he'd already said would be too big to come with him) after he left, and a few other sickly plants might have to go, too. Something about the thought of him cutting up the tree sort of triggered me. But it felt OK seeing it gone the next session.

Dr. T and I have been discussing the move quite a bit--realizing ways that it ties into things from my past, for example. And also how my own home has been in a bit of turmoil after a mold remediation. Plus, someone broke into my car in front of my house and ransacked it a couple weeks ago. So it's like my "safe spaces" (his office, my home, my car) either no longer feel safe or will be going away.

He also shared a thought that maybe I feared that whatever energy enabled us to work through conflicts and ruptures in his current office might not be there in the new one. Which resonated with me. He did his best to reassure me that the relationship would stay the same.

I did ask last session whether, for our first meeting in the new office, he'd be willing to walk in first (usually I go in first), so it wouldn't just be me walking into this new place, that he'd be there. He said that was fine. And I asked if we could shake hands at the start of that session, too. After confirming it was a one-off, that I wouldn't want to be doing that at the start of each session (we already do so at the end, and he confirmed that wouldn't change), he agreed to that as well.

Making this a new post, as the other got quite long! He also commented recently that he wondered whether he'd made a mistake in telling me too early about the move. If it just gave me more time to feel sad.

I said I preferred that he told me when he did, that if he'd told me, say, at the same time he was getting rid of the couch, it would have been more upsetting to me, because I wouldn't have had much time to prepare. And that I might have felt a bit betrayed, which could have led to a big rupture. And then I'd have been trying to work through that at the same time as the move.

This way might be a bit more sad for me, but at least I have more time to prepare, talk through it, and try to figure out what might help (or not help) me to adjust.

It occurs to me that maybe it's tied to how my parents (my mom, mainly) tended to keep secrets from me, so his being more transparent helps with trust.

For me, change also brings up the realization and reminder that everything is temporary and will continue to change...right up until it ends forever.

Whether that be changes in my own body as I age (each change a reminder that eventually I will die) or changes I experience in a relationship that remind me of the fact that this relationship is only temporary (all human relationships are temporary, right?).

Personally, it was hard to come to terms with the fact that my therapy relationship would end altogether one day - because I had grown very accustomed to the lovely supply of validation and nurturing. But it can't last forever (nor should it) so T and I worked on this a lot in therapy the past few months.

Of course, some changes and endings can be fun and empowering! For example, personally I've increased my fitness and completed my longest bike ride yet (85 miles I can't believe it)! This fitness won't last of course haha.... but I'm enjoying it. I've also recently reduced therapy with intention to end soon. It's both sad and also liberating at the same time. I'm trying to focus on the growth and remember I will always carry my T with me in my heart and psyche, much like we carry those we've lost even though we don't physically see them anymore.

Bottom line is that nothing stays the same or lasts forever. Change can be scary because it reminds us of this fact, but it can also be empowering at the same time.