Couch 249: The Self Care Couch

Ugh, I hope it calms down, too.

So, sounds like I'll probably be seeing Dr. T in his old office for a few more weeks, or at least a couple. Complicated situation involving permits. Felt OK being in the old office, even though I'd said good-bye to it. I wonder whether I'll feel the need to say good-bye to it again, or if it's just sort of settled now? I said how it's kind of ironic that I was sad about leaving this office, now I'm upset that I have extra time in it...

Maybe I can just sort of enjoy the extra time in the office as best I can?

I did mention struggling with being angry with him, when I knew it wasn't all his fault. He said how maybe I could think of it as being angry at the situation, as he's also angry at the situation. He gave a very random analogy of having a dinner party planned, and a cleaning crew was supposed to come clean your house the day before, but they got in an accident without serious injuries, but enough that they couldn't clean. How it would be difficult to be angry at the cleaning crew, but you could be angry at the situation.

Then again, i guess I can't say anything about his analogies when I compared saying good-bye to the office to saying good-bye to a summer fling (adding that if both people were single) who was leaving the country but then realized they could stay another week or two. He was like, "We don't need to bring an affair into this," and I replied, "I said where both people were single!"

I'm sorry this situation is so fluid and frustrating, LT.

I know that feeling of 'If you're gonna change something, hurry up and change it already!' very well.

I think analogies must be fairly early on in Therapy School.

Seems like R got the memo, but P seemed to want to explain how animals respond to trauma.

I guess it's a question of taking it as it comes.

I don't know. When L's text message didn't go through, I wanted an apology and empathy for having to struggle through that. L did nothing wrong. It wasn't her fault the text didn't go through. Well, she could have checked to make sure it goes through. Anyways, how was she to know. She still gave me an apology and empathy. Apologies don't always have to mean someone did something wrong or were bad. They can be empathetic and understanding. That's my opinion at least.

Eta: Oh! My point: you can be angry at someone even if it's not their fault.

I understood what you meant, Scarlet! And I understand your still wanting that from L--and am glad she gave it to you.

I do feel like Dr. T has been giving me empathy through this. And he's been apologetic. Though today specifically with the time change, over text, he was very much "it's unavoidable" (he said that twice), which sort of felt like he was avoiding taking any responsibility for it--when none of this would be an issue had he not decided to move in the first place. So overall, he is responsible. (I still feel like he should have investigated the permit thing, too.)

But he seems to feel bad for how much this is all affecting me and is doing his best to accommodate me. Like he said he was able to figure things out so we can actually meet next Friday (though I had mainly been concerned about that if he'd had to spend two other days that week moving, which seems unlikely now).

I think just his listening to me and not getting at all defensive really helped, too. He made it feel safe to talk about those feelings.

Thanks, Lost. Yes, that's very much what it is, like, "hurry up and do it already!" Like, I processed the good-bye, can we move on now?

Dr. T likes analogies, and ex-MC was really into them, though some of his were just really random, like "let me tie this into when I played basketball."

I do feel more relaxed about the move now. I mean, we'll see whether that lasts! Maybe I only had so much energy to be anxious about it for so long. Though maybe this was about the "good-bye" to the old office, and adapting to the new office will be its own challenge. Some breathing room in between might help me.

Do you think it could be you are upset about the extra time in the old office because you did a lot of work to get yourself to a better place about the new office? When if needed, you could have had more time to process it but you already did all that. You talked about it, said goodbye to it, visited the lobby of the new office. It’s a lot.

Yes on apologies for empathy. Like if you tell someone that you are sick. They may be like “I’m sorry about that” or like if someone passes away “I’m so sorry for your loss”. Those are examples of empathetic apologies.

Thanks Lemon. All great ideas. I also like screaming at the top of my lungs into a pillow.

Thanks, Jersey, i think this could be a lot of it. I feel like I did process it. I felt ready for it (or as ready as I'd be). And now that's being put off. I guess I need to try to hold onto that "ready" feeling, or at least tuck it aside to pull back out in a couple/few weeks.

I did make the comment today how I had thought I would be starting to get used to the new office by maybe mid-July or at least late July. Like "This stress will be over with soon." And now I don't even know when it's going to start. I can't start getting used to the new office if he's not in it yet.

Related to that, I said near the start of session, "I thought you'd be in your new office today." Dr. T: "You and me both, sister!"

I still do that sometimes. The pillow thing.

I think it requires a professional. Or lots of dope gummies. I think ive been there: "i invented a new word! Its - oh dammit its on the tip of my tongue!"

I didn't have much trouble with hot flashes but I hated the night sweats, weight gain, and now, post, I can't handle really hot weather with impunity like I used to do. I didn't take anything for any of it -I figured it would pass eventually and it did.

That "Stop It Bob NewHart" video was amazing @ArtieTheSequal - I forgot how much I love their skits. And sometimes I feel like when you talk to therapists about your problems, they have a look on their face that is basically SCREAMING at you to "Stop it!!" without even saying it, lol, so that video really seemed appropriate to me.

I have therapy tomorrow. I wasn't a fan of telehealth or any kind of video chat, but post-COVID it's just been a reality for most people in my state, even in Raleigh where they have way more resources than my small town now. I am thankful for this therapist though, he uses an approach of focusing on my present and my future rather than rehashing all of my past over and over again, AND I went out of my way to find a real psychologist than "I got my certificate over the internet" type of therapist. They exist, and I have to say you can really tell sometimes.

Just battling with thoughts of my ex-husband because of his birthday tomorrow. I want to reach out and send birthday wishes, then slap myself to reality and just say to myself, "this man is your ex for a reason silly girl." Also, I want to talk about the fact that I canceled my Los Angeles trip because I realized I would be traveling during my cycle, and there have been complications with my boyfriend's children that could affect things. The timing just isn't right. Thank you so much @Lemoncake for the suggestions, I have FitnessPal and am going to restart my weight loss efforts to combat all these self-esteem issues I am having.

I think you bring up a really valid point @comrademoomoo because my menstrual cycle is such a huge issue for me. Some months it's there, some it isn't. It all relates to this huge thyroid issue I had, (recently had surgery to remove it), and then I gained 50 pounds in three months, it's been horrible to say the least. But our thyroid and our hormones affect our mental health so much, it should be spoken about more, I think it's really important.

the kind of apology I hate is "I'm sorry you feel that way." I always think "No you're not."

How long did it take to pass?

I remember when I was in therapy I told the therapist
“You don’t actually care. You are just here to make a buck”
Her response was that “I’m sorry you feel that way”. I saw red when she said that and walked out of the session.

I printed this out and gave it to the one I hired:
https://stancarey.wordpress.com/wp-c...nus-comics.jpg

Honestly I can't remember - I was going through menopause when my person had one of her earlier rounds of cancer and that period is a kind of blurry still. I guess it would have been waxing and waning for a year or so.