Couch 249: The Self Care Couch

Absolutely.

The inbuilt deadlines in courses can be so motivating.

I know that's the point, but when that scaffolding goes, we have to motivate ourselves...and that can be hard.

Oh, and I ended up reading that submission to Dr. T today. I brought it with me, unsure if I wanted to share. But the couple topics I was trying didn't seem to go anywhere, so I opted just to read it out loud. I paused a few times so we could discuss parts of it. And we ended up in a good discussion at the end, though I wish I'd started reading it sooner so we'd have had more time to talk about it then (we did go maybe 5 minutes over the 50 minutes).

I also realized a couple typos/unclear parts while reading it out loud, so maybe I need to start doing that as part of my revisions (not even reading it *to* anyone, just saying it out loud when no one can hear me.) There was one line where I said it, then said maybe I needed to edit it. And Dr. T asked me to read it again. He said he thought what I initially wrote was what I meant, and it made sense. We discussed it for a few minutes.

I suppose I could share the line: "If I know what makes them tick, I can avoid doing anything that will cause them to make me leave."

I thought maybe it should have been "that will cause them to leave." But Dr. T said he saw it in the sense of, my fear of crossing some line with him (or whoever), where he'd say, "OK, you need to leave and not come back." Which is accurate.

I stand in awe of your courage, LT.

Early drafts are sacred ground, and sharing them takes guts...even in therapy.

The excerpt that you shared really resonates with me.

I hope you can see your way to keeping the momentum going.

Thank you for all the support over the past 6 years.

Just an idea LT. Maybe you could also take a break to a coffee shop or park and start writing separately there, without the added pressure to get your memoir done. Just something to get you used to it again.

LT - thats a powerful and very concise statement. Actually the first part of it bothers me more than the possibly rewritten part. In the sense of, geez i dont even know if i ever thought about what made the other person tick. Us italians (my parents, mussolini) just pressurize people to get our own way. I dont really like that use of the word pressurize - it makes me think of blowing up a bicycle tire.

Aw, thanks, Lost!

Dr. T did say something like, "Why do you seem embarrassed to be reading this to me?" and I wasn't sure how to answer (he said it in a compassionate, curious way, not critical). I mean, he also writes (I think fiction? Well, and research stuff.) He should understand how it feels a bit exposing. Even if I've shared similar things with him in session, it's a bit different.

Thanks, Lemon. I started on the revision when I was on a 2-night getaway about an hour away. I'm hoping to be able to go to my parents' beach condo later this month and do a bit there, too. And maybe I'll try some coffee shops/cafes around here as well. This month is more difficult because D is in a half-day camp (social skills, provided by school system for free), and it can be more difficult to write when she's wandering about.

I do think I need to just try writing whenever I have a bit of time and see what comes out. Even if it's just a bit at a time. Bird by bird, like the Anne Lamott thing.

Thanks, Una.

I spend too much time thinking about what makes others tick, in large part due to my mother's influence (who is actually part Italian, but maybe the German part overtakes that).

Dr. T was saying today how we tend to go back to what we were taught in childhood, unless we find a better way. He compared it to how people will continue to use fossil fuels unless they find something that works better for them.

I asked what the "better way" was, and he sort of laughed and said it's difficult for those with anxiety, that it's basically just realizing we don't really have control over relationships. That we can just choose to be kind and do the best we can (or something like that), knowing that might not be enough. And to appreciate the time we have with someone, knowing it might not last. And accepting that.

Lt - it reminds me of speak softly but carry a big stick. Speaking softly was never in my repertoire. Im more of a bulldozer. Just like mom! Next life i am choosing my parents more carefully!

So i do salute you for at least showing an interest in the other person, even if it is ultimately for your self-interest. I mean, it IS in the interest of maintaining the relationship. And we all curb ourselves to some extent.

In my family, curbing means someone is WRONG.

Oh, thats too much salt for you? Well you are WRONG. Salt is not bad for you.
***from my family dinner gifs

Lemon-Congratulations on your accomplishment! I’m so proud of you.

LT- You did some powerful brave work with your writing and then sharing it with Dr. T. The sentence the way you wrote it the first time definitely stands out more and I understood what you meant.

Artie-Happy Belated Birthday.

Valerian Root brings weird dreams. A few nights ago I dreamt about falling under water in an ocean. I wasn’t drowning but every time I popped my head up above water I fell back under again. The dream 2 nights ago was a little less intense. I was doing laundry and the washing machine wasn’t working. In the dream I was standing in front of the washing machine going “Oh no. Oh no. Oh no”. Repeatedly. Then I woke up.

LT, have you read Folie a Deu by Rosie Alexander? I am reading it at the moment and you might find it interesting. It's a woman's account of her experiences with therapy, focusing on her intense feelings for her therapists. One of the things I am finding interesting about it is that it really highlights the transferable nature of these unresolved and unfinished feelings. From a therapy memoir aspect, there might be aspects worth looking at. It's old and maybe out of print, but then aren't we all, or at least those of us worth re-reading.

ETA: Folie à Deux!

Thanks, Jersey! And it's good to know you understood what I meant.

Hi Comrade. I haven't read that, so thanks for letting me know about it. I found a used copy I can get on Amazon for a reasonable price, so have that hanging out in my Wishlist to buy later.

And lol to us being old and out of print, but worth rereading.

I did just get feedback from the revision I submitted, and she was very positive about the changes I made.

What's funny is that I added in this one comparison to something from The Sopranos from an analogy Dr. T made recently regarding displaced grief. And the instructor commented on that analogy and said she liked it just as much this time as the first time she read it--though it wasn't in there before! So I suppose it fit in well.

I find the original version of this line quite interesting, not because of Dr T’s interpretation, which is obvious, but more significantly because it suggests you largely see yourself as passive, as though you have no control or agency in relationships.

There was a person that wrote about their therapy in an online blog-I think it was called tales of a boundary ninja. I never really understood the point of it, but it was a tale of going to therapy and being into the therapist.