Couch 249: The Self Care Couch

Oh yeah happy birthday artie!

Born on the 4th of july!

Happy Birthday, Artie!

Hugs, Lost

Thanks for the birthday wishes y'all! It is being a nice quiet day. H's friend came over early this morning and they did some work in the backyard, friend went back home & H is resting now so I am playing on my computer.

Just got home from our friend's house. I drank a bit too much, we played a rousing game of Cards Against Humanity, and listened to music.

Sorry for being late to say “Happy Birthday “ ! Wishing you another year filled with joy, laughter, and lots of cake! 🎉🎂

I love that game. Only played it twice.

Perhaps drawing/ painting it out could help?

I’m genuinely happy for the first time in 2.5 months. Achieved a professional goal. Literally spent time after I came home dancing in my underwear at home.

It’s been a long 10 years. I love babies and children, but something tells me I’m supposed to be a gynaecologist.Anyway still have time to decide.

I’m 70% likely to do an unpaid trip overseas for 6 months. Other people are organising it, I just added my name. Current me wants to be an aid worker.

(The location is not an active war zone).

Going to get back to the gym as well. The depression coincides with stopping sessions, because I found it hard to keep up.

Perhaps you could reframe it. Now that you know about the levels, your medication can be adjusted to help you better. Have you also had a session with a nutritionist to help you come up with a plan specifically for you?

Lemon! Thanks for sharing your happiness and good news!

Glad to hear it, Lemon! And hope the trip works out.

Last night, I intended to just type up a couple notes of things to include in my memoir, but ended up with around 700 words! I'm trying to get back into the writing groove after being away from it for a couple months for assorted reasons.

I finally submitted the revision of one of my pieces (on ex-MC's wife's death) for the class I took in March last week (we had 6 months from start of class to submit it). Hoping I'll get feedback soon, but she's apparently running another class starting this weekend, so not sure if I'll have to wait till that's done?

The nice thing is, I apparently have access to all office hours (they're group meetings) of all instructors in this program going forward, so maybe I'll join the second one if I'm available (the first one in my course was 90% introductions, so it wasn't particularly useful).

Congratulations, LT!

I don't know how I'd feel about that definition of 'office hours'.
I've always thought of them as one-to-one meetings.

I'm curious as to whether you have the option of meeting with your tutor in that way as well?

Thanks, Lost! Unfortunately, I no longer have the option to meet with the tutor one-on-one, even if I pay. I was able to have one meeting with her the week after the course ended (for a small fee) and asked if I could continue to get any guidance from her, including paid. She said she doesn't do private consultations anymore and gave me the names of a couple other people (one seemed promising, but more for when I'm further along in my writing, like have a full memoir draft). I felt weirdly rejected.

The office hours thing seems a bit misnamed, as when I was in college/grad school, it was time when we could drop by or else schedule a meeting with a professor, one-on-one. But the "office hours" in this course are where the instructor posts a Zoom link, and anyone can join during that hour, so it's a group chat. We can ask questions, and I got to ask one or two in the one meeting. But it can be easy for someone to monopolize the time, too.

For what I paid for the course, I think I should have gotten more! I mean, I appreciated her feedback on my work, but...

I want to do some more work on my own, I think, then will see about someone who can work with me on a draft or maybe to provide a certain number of hours of guidance. There seem to be various options and models out there. I just want to keep working at it, but it can be difficult to stay motivated without, say, some sort of deadline, someone looking at my work, etc.

Absolutely.

The inbuilt deadlines in courses can be so motivating.

I know that's the point, but when that scaffolding goes, we have to motivate ourselves...and that can be hard.

Oh, and I ended up reading that submission to Dr. T today. I brought it with me, unsure if I wanted to share. But the couple topics I was trying didn't seem to go anywhere, so I opted just to read it out loud. I paused a few times so we could discuss parts of it. And we ended up in a good discussion at the end, though I wish I'd started reading it sooner so we'd have had more time to talk about it then (we did go maybe 5 minutes over the 50 minutes).

I also realized a couple typos/unclear parts while reading it out loud, so maybe I need to start doing that as part of my revisions (not even reading it *to* anyone, just saying it out loud when no one can hear me.) There was one line where I said it, then said maybe I needed to edit it. And Dr. T asked me to read it again. He said he thought what I initially wrote was what I meant, and it made sense. We discussed it for a few minutes.

I suppose I could share the line: "If I know what makes them tick, I can avoid doing anything that will cause them to make me leave."

I thought maybe it should have been "that will cause them to leave." But Dr. T said he saw it in the sense of, my fear of crossing some line with him (or whoever), where he'd say, "OK, you need to leave and not come back." Which is accurate.

I stand in awe of your courage, LT.

Early drafts are sacred ground, and sharing them takes guts...even in therapy.

The excerpt that you shared really resonates with me.

I hope you can see your way to keeping the momentum going.

Thank you for all the support over the past 6 years.

Just an idea LT. Maybe you could also take a break to a coffee shop or park and start writing separately there, without the added pressure to get your memoir done. Just something to get you used to it again.

LT - thats a powerful and very concise statement. Actually the first part of it bothers me more than the possibly rewritten part. In the sense of, geez i dont even know if i ever thought about what made the other person tick. Us italians (my parents, mussolini) just pressurize people to get our own way. I dont really like that use of the word pressurize - it makes me think of blowing up a bicycle tire.

Aw, thanks, Lost!

Dr. T did say something like, "Why do you seem embarrassed to be reading this to me?" and I wasn't sure how to answer (he said it in a compassionate, curious way, not critical). I mean, he also writes (I think fiction? Well, and research stuff.) He should understand how it feels a bit exposing. Even if I've shared similar things with him in session, it's a bit different.

Thanks, Lemon. I started on the revision when I was on a 2-night getaway about an hour away. I'm hoping to be able to go to my parents' beach condo later this month and do a bit there, too. And maybe I'll try some coffee shops/cafes around here as well. This month is more difficult because D is in a half-day camp (social skills, provided by school system for free), and it can be more difficult to write when she's wandering about.

I do think I need to just try writing whenever I have a bit of time and see what comes out. Even if it's just a bit at a time. Bird by bird, like the Anne Lamott thing.

Thanks, Una.

I spend too much time thinking about what makes others tick, in large part due to my mother's influence (who is actually part Italian, but maybe the German part overtakes that).

Dr. T was saying today how we tend to go back to what we were taught in childhood, unless we find a better way. He compared it to how people will continue to use fossil fuels unless they find something that works better for them.

I asked what the "better way" was, and he sort of laughed and said it's difficult for those with anxiety, that it's basically just realizing we don't really have control over relationships. That we can just choose to be kind and do the best we can (or something like that), knowing that might not be enough. And to appreciate the time we have with someone, knowing it might not last. And accepting that.

Lt - it reminds me of speak softly but carry a big stick. Speaking softly was never in my repertoire. Im more of a bulldozer. Just like mom! Next life i am choosing my parents more carefully!

So i do salute you for at least showing an interest in the other person, even if it is ultimately for your self-interest. I mean, it IS in the interest of maintaining the relationship. And we all curb ourselves to some extent.

In my family, curbing means someone is WRONG.

Oh, thats too much salt for you? Well you are WRONG. Salt is not bad for you.
***from my family dinner gifs