Couch 249: The Self Care Couch

Yes, the literal couch goat.

Seems the glasses were the least of my concerns. I asked R about a session later this week, as I can't see Dr. T till Thursday. She offered up tomorrow, I took it, but she wanted me to check with him. I emailed him and he said he doesn't want me to keep the appointment, that he can give me a referral to someone else if I need an emergency one. I don't want to see some random person.

So it not only feel like he's abandoning me, but he's also preventing me from seeing someone who he knows is good support for me. Like he's forcing R to abandon me, too.

Maybe i need to leave. I guess he's showing me who he really is. I know this is in the middle of a move and he's stressed, but he knows I'm really struggling with this. I feel like I'm dying...

I'm just struggling so much with this... It's like I'm drowning and someone threw me a life preserver, then he came and snatched it away as I was reaching for it.

Wow, LT. I'm so sorry. Not only did you like R, but she help you... And your relationship with Dr. T! It's almost feels like a punishment for something. Why give you something and take it away especially when you need it. It's like he's now choosing to be the parent. Again, I'm sorry.

LT - he told her not to see you? Wth?

did he give a reason why?

Well, he just called me (he *never* calls me, and I was scared because that's what happened with ex-MC with that big rupture). He thinks we need to have a discussion about my relationship with R going forward, as she was only supposed to be support while he was away. I was like, "Well, you are off tomorrow."

He said he doesn't see clients who have another therapist unless it's for something he doesn't do (like EMDR). And this is feeling more like that.

I was crying said it feels like he's trying to take away some of my support. Shouldn't he want me to be supported? And I said I also had some attachment to her. He said he knew about the atttachment, that we need to consider that in all this, too. That we just need to have a conversation.

He was bothered by my contacting her without checking with him first, and I said he was in the middle of a move, so I didn't want to bother him. He replied, "And here we are." I guess meaning that I bothered him/took up his time anyway. (Note that she's moving, too, but he's the one in charge of all of it.)

I said I felt like a little kid in trouble. He disagreed, saying how it's infantalizing. That we're two adults having a conversation. I said it didn't feel that way to me. There was some other stuff, too, that I might type up later (it was about 15 minutes--I imagine he'll charge me for it, too).

I didn't feel much compassion from him, even though I was sobbing at a few points and mentioned that I was really struggling. I know he's in the middle of stuff, but it would have meant a lot if he seemed more caring. When I mentioned feeling abandoned, he was saying he was doing his best not to abandon me. Which, yeah, OK, whatever. I can still feel abandoned.

Thanks, Scarlet. It does feel like he's punishing me--in fact, I even said, "I feel like a kid in trouble," but he said we're two adults having a conversation. I can still feel that way...

More in my update about the phone call.

LT- message him back and ask him what the issue is. Tell him you aren’t going to speak with someone else. R has been the go-to.

He at first said in the email said she's very busy (which, she can make her own choices!). But on the call, he said she's only meant to be there for when he's on vacation. I mean, he is off tomorrow (plus yesterday and today). But he's seemed OK with my seeing her a couple other times to process something. It feels he's changing his story.

i’m sorry this is happening, LT. i hope this is something that can be figured out quickly.

Thanks, Darkest. I just don't understand how this got all messy. I thought I'd ask if it was OK to schedule with her, he'd say, "Sure, that's fine," and that would be it. As he's done before, even a few times when he wasn't on vacation. If I just wanted to work something through with a therapist more skilled in certain areas.

I'm hoping this is partly stress of the move and that things will go back to normal sooner than later, but I don't know.

Oh, and when I mentioned how I was struggling, he said he keeps being surprised by how much the move is upsetting me (despite knowing me for 6 years...). That he's a bit confused by it. I said I thought it was something R could help me figure out, hence wanting to talk to her.

Thanks, Jersey. In the email, I said I didn't want to just talk to some random person, as he offered a referral. I suppose I was a bit dramatic in saying (in the email), "I guess I'll just suffer by myself then." But it felt like he was taking her away.

Sounds like he's going to do that soon anyway, as he's concerned about the relationship and blurred boundaries.

I am...stunned, LT.

I'm sorry that he's policing how you take care of your mental health now too.

It's none of his business, frankly.

Thanks, Lost. It also felt like he was more concerned about my relationship with R than how I'm doing right now. I though that was possibly why he was calling, like, "OK, I have a few minutes, let me give you a bit of support." Or at least part of why. But it didn't feel like it.

It feels like he's jealous of her, in a way. Now the conversation we had a week or two about my attachment to her makes more sense. Where I said I felt like I had almost an aunt-like transference toward her. He said, "Shouldn't it be a sister? She's younger than you." Yeah, by 3 years? It's not like she's 20 years younger. Maybe he's bothered by my feeling attachment toward her, and that's why he's wanting to change things now? I don't know.

What sucks is if I leave him, I couldn't see her anymore either, I don't think. He said at one point that she wouldn't be willing to take me on as a regular client if I left him. Because it would be disrespectful to him, or something like that. How it would harm their relationship. But shouldn't he want me to get good care and support? Whether occasionally if I want a consult/he's not available (which in fact is the case tomorrow) or longer term?

I'd like to weigh in if I may:

I don't think it's okay for him to just say no, cancel. You have already made the appointment and really you shouldn't even have to ask. He could have said "yes" and then brought up the issue and what he is perceiving to be happening after that. Or just have heard you'd seen her and mentioned it to you. As far as I know, lots of people in the US pay out of pocket, how would he even know for sure you're not seeing two people... I understand the risk for the client, but he hasn't set clear boundaries around R apparently and to suddenly enforce some he has with other clients isn't okay.

I can understand the part about not seeing two therapists at once, even if only sometimes, at least theoretically. I have set very clear boundaries with the two I'm seeing right now, flipper has gotten an okay to discuss anything, but should focus on my relationship. T has the same okay, but should focus on everything else, so trauma and so on. I think if you don't define stuff like this, it can lead to contradictions like one T recommends X and the other T doesn't, or also that the client tries to "play" with it, i.e. get one of them upset, talk to the other, kind of have both spaces interact. I don't think either of those things are particularly healthy.

I also think the thing now with R is going in that direction, though not badly. I can understand wanting to see her and so on, but to me it doesn't sound good if "whenever" you're upset you have a backup T that can hold that for you. Because realistically, there's gonna be a time where there's nobody around. And you have to be able to work through that on your own, even if for just a little while. Of course it's okay to sometimes do that, but learning to rely on yourself is a skill too.

But those things are to be discussed before starting such a thing, not when he notices how he doesn't like a certain aspect of it. It sounds to me like he didn't give it a lot of thought at the time...

Also, just as an aside, but a T randomly calling is rather unsettling. Only the forensics guy has ever done that to me (and I'm starting to think maybe he just accidentally put down the wrong major and wanted to get into crime scene analysis or smth) and even if you have no issues with them, it's anxiety inducing. T thankfully always texts me first. We by the way also have it set up so I always call him, meaning I pay the bill. The only time he has ever called me (except for scheduling at the beginning) was about his cancer.

Have you ever asked HER about this? Of course he as far as I know rents her office out or whatever, but here it's very usual to have referrals within the same office. How would that work if you weren't allowed to work with him before?

I don't know of course, but R sounds like she might both understand where you're coming from and have some more ways to stand up for you, theoretically.

LT, do you think the fact that R is able to meet some of the needs for you that he can’t, is making him feel inadequate? maybe he feels like things are getting entangled with the three of you?

Will reply to the rest in a bit, but just wanted to clarify that Dr. T did text me first, just "Can I call you?" But it threw me off that it was through my computer, not phone (I guess because we both have iPhones and I have a Macbook it defaulted to that). But more later. You've given me a few things to think about.

That was what stuck out to me too, LT.

Far more concerned with the 'third party' (as he may see it) than your welfare.

About the transference and age. L is 4 years younger than me and I have maternal transference with her. So age does not apply when it comes to any sort of transference. Also, Aunts can be younger than their nieces/nephews. Doesn't transference happen in most relationships anyways?

Week 2 day 2 short workout, but also planning on doing chores.

Yes, i think it does. And I was explaining to him at the time that it's not about the age. And how someone can also have erotic transference for a T who's not a gender to which the client is usually attracted. (I honestly wonder if I have a bit of that for R.) And Dr. T is only 7 years old than me, so can't really be my father, yet I have some paternal transference toward him (and ex-MC was only 12 years older--ex-T was my mom's age).

Yes, it's really gnawing at me. I could see if it was a sort of safety check, like, "Will LT be OK?" I mean, maybe it was--maybe he was assessing me as we talked. I'd feel a bit better if he told me that. I burst out crying a few times, but that's common for me in session (and I imagine it was obvious, even without video) Maybe he'd have actually been more concerned if I was seeming emotionless.

It also could be that's why he agreed to let me see R, that my emails were a little concerning, so he figured he should err on the side of safety. But at the same time, he could have waited on the actual conversation about my relationship with R until after I was doing better (unless like I booked a bunch of sessions with her next month--I may have one when he's away, if he'll still let me).