Couch 249: The Self Care Couch

Tea and temp
To Boil or Not to Boil: Water Temperature for Tea Explained | JING Tea.

Sigh, so Dr. T told me today that they decided to do a last-minute family vacation next week. He's still seeing clients (virtually, of course), just had to adjust a couple of my times earlier because he's trying to see all clients in one big chunk. I said I felt bad seeing him on his vacation, but he said that honestly, he needs the money because of extra expenses from the move delay, so he has to work. I know he was trying to make me feel better, but I still feel a bit awkward about it.

He was also going on about how much of a mess the contractors have made of the move, that he's hoping they'll be able to still move at the end of the month (he's already gotten a month extension from the property manager, and they'll be unhappy if they (he and he others in his suite) have to stay any longer--and will charge him a bunch extra for the trouble. I feel bad for him, but it's also messing with my plans and trying to come to terms with the move, so it's complicated. Thought I'd be able to go to the beach a few days to my parents' place the week he's moving, but now that may be pushed back and their place may not be available.

I just kinda want it done with at this point! Like, can I just start adapting to the new place already? I should have been partway there by now...

This is really interesting, Artie. I hope it goes well and you can process some of the stuff. Keep us updated!

Ugh, his comment about needing the money is so crass.

Artie it took me a loooong time before i stopped talking to t in my head. But my mother did say i was "slow".

I'm so sorry, LT.

That sucks.

I do feel like talking to one's former or current T in their head is OK and maybe even a positive thing--a sign of having internalized them maybe?

And ugh to your mother...

Yeah, like, I get he was trying to make me not feel bad about still having a session. But it made me feel weird. Makes me think of the time ages ago (pre-pandemic) that I thanked him for giving me an extra session, and he was like, "Well, now I can buy a solar charger for my phone." Like, nice you're buying a fun electronics item with the hard-earned money I spent for an extra session.... I think it was a time he upset me, too, so like he's benefiting from upsetting me.

I mean, of course it's the emphasis on the monetization of the relationship... As opposed to, say, in terms of the vacation, "Well, I sprung this on you at the last minute, so I don't want you to have to cancel your sessions." Or something to that effect.

Kinda hoping R is available for one, though I have my doubts (with it being a popular time for vacations, plus she has a busy schedule).

Thanks, Lost. Summer just seems bad for therapy (thinking of your T and others', too).

Exactly.

I don't have the words, but I have to bear it.

Thanks LT. Sometimes I feel like I'm there, but then she pops back into my head and I start missing her again and I start questioning what I did wrong. I just don't know how to let her go and stop ruminating. R said that 12 years is a long time with one therapist and can become unhealthy. Which of course is what happened with L.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jersey 4 I wonder if your medications are just having the opposite effect. It’s possible? Have you tried without the melatonin?

That's a good suggestion @Jersey 4 I actually never thought of it that way - I didn't realize that one can affect the other that way. Thanks so much! I will try it without the melatonin tonight and see.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight I wonder this, too, also with the hydroxyzine. I know Benadryl can have the opposite effect on some people, and I think it's the same drug class. Could try a few nights without melatonin, and if that doesn't help, a few nights without hydroxyzine.

Thanks so much! I will try without the hydroxyzine one alternate night to see if that helps as well @LonesomeTonight - Sometimes with these meds I don't even realize how extra stuff on top can affect them, or if they are even working to begin with.

Really late start today - just a me day. The boyfriend is going to pick up his daughter at the hospital, so I am taking this time to focus on myself. Concerned about how my sleeping has been so I am going to try what you guys suggested and see.

Hope you try something that helps with the sleep! I also struggle with insomnia, so I get how difficult it can be.

Today is National Clerihew Day. Don’t know what a clerihew is? It is this:

Stopdog
Couldn’t sleep cause of the grog,
Said she,
“Insomnia’s worse than so-called therapy.”

The ice cream did not turn out well. I have vanilla flavored ice cubes with little frozen bits of chocolate. But it’s edible.

What's the difference between a clerihew and a four line poem?

Clerihews are about a famous person. First line is a name. And you have to work in their biography/what they’re famous for,

Abraham Lincoln
Split the rails of a linden.
Because his wife he adored
Out they went to a theater named Ford.

I was today years old when I learned this.

OK, I'm really struggling with Dr. T's "I need the money" comment right now.... This is clearly tying into something from my past, but I have no idea what. Maybe...feeling like I only have value if I can give someone something? Rather than intrinsically having value by being a human?

Yes, I'm aware the therapeutic relationship is different than other sorts of relationships. Just trying to figure out where this sudden intense reaction is coming from.

Thanks, Una. That helps. I do know it's about him. He did clearly let the façade slip, as he was cursing quite a bit about the contractors, like calling them f-bomb-ers (but the actual word). He doesn't generally curse that much.

I'll do my best to not take on his problems and turn them into mine. I suppose I could see it as fodder for the memoir, perhaps. I have been writing more lately and actually discussed it a bit with him today. Maybe I can channel my energy into that.

LT, what if has nothing to do with your past? Not everything links back to something. There can be new traumas that hurt in themselves.

What Dr. T said would really hurt me too. It's kind of objectifying your relationship? Just because you are a part of his job/career doesn't mean he should be viewing you as a meal ticket. You're a person and this is a real relationship.

It sounds like a flippant off-hand comment not meant to be taken to heart or all that seriously. It could be an opportunity to not obsess over something the therapist said. Don't give it another thought is my position.

Thanks, Scarlet--that's a really good point. I think of a few times that I was upset with ex-MC, and he said "This is about your parents," and I was like, "No, this is about you." Like, it wasn't transference, where I was projecting something from my parents onto him--I was actually angry at him. Felt like a cop-out on his part. (Meanwhile, Dr. T has done the opposite, where I've said it's about stuff from my past, and he insists it's about him.)

It helps to know you'd be hurt by it, too. At first, I was mostly OK with it--especially because it was early in session, and the last 20 minutes were good (about other stuff, like my writing and also my progress)--and now it's suddenly hitting me. Which is how things happen sometimes (he calls it a therapy grenade).

It's a case where I wish I could just talk to him for, say, 5 minutes. But it's not an option with him (I appreciate that L is willing to talk to you in that way). i can either email him, and he'll reply in the morning (somewhat risky, as there can be misunderstandings in tone), see if he has something tomorrow, or wait till Friday and hope it's mostly resolved then. I suppose the Friday one is the best option.

I understand what you're saying--thanks. He just seemed to really press the point, including exactly how much extra money he owed due to the move thing. But like that should be on him for deciding to take this on. For example, trusting that contractors will be done exactly when they say they will be. And not really leaving any sort of extra time in case things went wrong. I shouldn't be expected to pay for his financial mistakes.

Why “clearly” from your past? No one likes being regarded as a transaction..

You’d hate Visa. Five minutes or less after I’ve left her office, an email pops up with a receipt for that day’s session. I was a little taken aback at first, but now I laugh at it.

I don’t know LT. I think it’s just the way Dr. T is. I think he cares but he can just be very blunt with the reality of the situation. He makes money off of you and every other client. I mean I don’t love Dr. T. Sometimes he just has a way about him. But take my job for example. My job is very personal. I go into peoples home and take care of their children. I see their messy houses, their underwear laying out at times. Mom came walking downstairs last week wrapped in nothing but a bath towel fresh out of the shower because all her clean clothes were downstairs in the dryer and she had to get something to wear. I witness arguments between couples, I see where people sleep. But at the end of the day they provide me with the pay that I need in order to live. Taking care of those children is my meal ticket. It doesn’t necessarily mean when I walk into someone’s home and hug their children that all I see is dollar signs. You know? I care deeply for those kids but the reality is..it’s a job for which I get paid.