Attachment to spaces

Thanks, Scarlet. I'll think about it. I could always say something about how it's no longer with its "friends" in the office.

And I'm glad your lantern was still there!

My last time at our old place will be this Sunday. I will see the new space Thursday. And then we'll be starting at the new place next Tuesday. This all happened too quickly. I'm not ready to say goodbye to everything.

Hugs, Scarlet. That all sounds very difficult. Particularly not having much time to say good-bye. Have you thought about any particular way you want to say good-bye to the old space and welcome the new? Also, I suggest taking photos, if you haven't already.

Thanks, LT! I think L said she took photos, but I'll 100% make sure! She said she got us plants??? One for each of us. She'll give me one on Sunday to take home, and she'll take hers to the new office. I'm scared if I understood that correctly. I gave each of us plants quite a while back. I killed hers during her leave and I killed mine during my move. Both accidentally btw. So I'm scared of another plant. Maybe I'll get one of those auto drip watering bulb things? They both died from over watering. We have a double session Sunday, so I'll get a little extra time there. Logically, I think I made the right choice. But my heart is screaming at me. I just wish I had a week or two more. Or that I could find an extra day somehow, but L can't and H wouldn't let me go down there 3 times in a week.

I was talking to L today. I asked her if she thought I could ever get better with changes. She said yes, but there will always be scar tissue that I'll feel. She said if I didn't go through my trauma, I might have actually been the type of person to like new things. I found that interesting. She once said similar about how I probably was an outgoing person also if it wasn't for trauma. Sometimes I wonder what could have been in so many areas of my life. Like I dreamed of being an architect. I wonder if in another life, if I could have achieved that dream? But it is what it is and it sucks!

I'm upset. I was supposed to be able to see the new office before her staff, but she couldn't get me in. Now they're already having meetings and orientations there. As of today, I wish I never agreed to move.

Hang in there. It’s not something within her control. So this might be the case of taking one step at a time. I am sure the space is nice and maybe adjustments could be made when you see it (furniture moved or not). I have a good feeling about it

She said furniture is already there. She said that they've been working on decorating since Saturday. I was supposed to see it before anyone. And now it's at least partially set up. I just wanted to be there from the start. This was a hard decision to make and I don't know that I'll ever have this chance again.

I still think I'm going today. If I don't, I'm just squandering that I can see it at least at this stage. But it hurts. I hurt. I just wanted to be included from the very start.

Your feelings are valid of course but sometimes things just don’t go the way we planned. Just one weird thing about life.

I meant “furniture moved” meaning if you don’t like position of something, maybe she can move it to your liking. Even if you don’t see it early on, things aren’t set in stone, lots could be adjusted to make you comfortable.

You were right, Divine. The space was nice. I didn't completely like it. Okay, I didn't really like any of it, but my guess it's because it's not "our" stuff from our current space.

She was kind and kicked everyone out (workers and staff) so we could have the whole place to ourselves. She took me around. I got to look at the open rooms. She lead me to her office, then to the back entrance and bathrooms. Then we made a full circle back to her office. We sat on the rug (exact same rug as our rug just bigger). It was weird not having anything between us. Thankfully my dog laid between us so it felt like a little buffer. Normally, we have an ottoman as like a table between us. The ottoman is coming. I didn't like any of the furniture. She showed me the design. I didn't like it either. Just weird combinations (green couch, orange rug, tan leather chair, black eames chair). We talked about all my feelings about the move and the space. She reassured me a ton that this was the right decision.

I do like the location: 10mins closer, in safe area, and a park area outside her office. The place as a space is nice. Big. Almost too big imho. Rooms and hallway are oversized.

I found out that they're trying to convince J to come in once a week. I still haven't talked to her since our rupture during L's leave. L said she will talk to her and try to help us repair. She said J still cares about me. I don't know...

I'm really really glad I went. And I'm glad it's not put together even though it made it uncomfortable too. I'm glad she's having fun with the whole space. It was just nice learning the space. She has a button again that alerts her clients are there. I told her I'm not pushing that one either!

It's going to be so hard saying goodbye to current place Sunday. That was our home for 2.5 years. This will be our 4th home. But she said this place they have a 6 year lease and there's no reason they can't stay longer.

I have so many mixed emotions today. Both good and sad. Not looking forward to Sunday.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry it didn't work out as originally planned. And that you don't like a lot of things about the space. But I'm glad you had some good feelings about it, too. And that L gave you a private tour (I told Dr. T in our second session in the new space that I wish he'd done that, at least on some level, like showed me where the other offices were, including R's).

I understand how hard it will be to leave the old space. It's just so difficult knowing you can never go back to it, right?

I will say that I'm adapting to Dr. T's new space better than I thought I would. I miss his old one, and the rupture we had during the move isn't completely fixed. But I feel much better about it than I did in the first in-person session there. I think part of it was figuring out which seat seemed right and also realizing Dr. T is the same person there (for better or worse!)

I hope you have a meaningful good-bye to the old space and that you adapt to the new space reasonably well.

Thanks LT.

It is seriously difficult knowing that I can't go back. AND that it's still there. I told L I wish I could shrink the office and take it with me.

I'm glad you're adapting to Dr. T's new space. And I'm sorry the rupture isn't completely fixed. Ruptures suck and hard to work through. The only good thing, for me at least, is when it's repaired, it feels really good.

Even though we sit on the floor, L realized we were sitting on the opposite sides compared to the couch. She said next time we'll switch sides.

I realized also that I will never have the space to myself again. During covid, that office we always had to ourselves. And this office we've had to ourselves because it's been the weekend. But now we're during the week in a bigger office with more people. I don't think I'll ever have it alone.

Oh! And I figured out that the size of the office and hallway is intimidating to me. I asked her to walk me to the back door instead of just her office door. She said she'd do it that time, but not again. I don't know why, but it feels exposing being in that much open space.

Thanks for the well wishes.

I'm so ****ing devastated. She is now not taking anything with her from the old office to the new. She told me she'd take her chair and ottoman. We have used that ottoman every session since covid. She decided that she wants a better (same exact looking) chair and ottoman. Hers was a replica. They just bought an "original". She is of course excited and even told me her back feels better... She originally told me she'd try to take the couch, the chair, ottoman, the paint color, the rug and a picture. Now I have to deal with all these "replicas". I got nothing. She said I mattered and that I was a part of this. She lied. I was never a part of this. This is her office and I have no input. I just wish she didn't lead me on to think I might have a say.

Ugh, I'm so sorry, Scarlet. Hugs, if wanted. She shouldn't have promised you those things if she wasn't sure. I could understand the chair if hers made her physically uncomfortable--and maybe the ottoman matched? But she could have brought the ottoman, at least at first, to help you with the transition. And certainly the picture. I'm sure her excitement is making it worse.

This makes me think of various things Dr. T was going to take or ways he was going to arrange his office (like location of loveseat in relation to window and door) that changed because he liked them better this way. Like his whole thing on how he decides how to decorate his office (regarding the fish, but everything else, too).

I hope she can do something to help you feel safe and welcome in the new space. I wish she could walk you to the back door, too (is it that it would take too much time?) In terms of feeling exposed, could you maybe wear a hat and sunglasses to walk through the space?

I understand what you mean, as I have to walk through a waiting room, then take an elevator (or stairs, then be in a lobby, then walk across the parking lot to my car (in both buildings). People will sometimes stare at me as I walk through the waiting room (I can understand looking to see if I'm their T, but then look away), which is awkward if I've been crying. With ex-MC and ex-T, it was just getting through the waiting room to the parking lot, which was right there. So easier in some ways.

Is today the last session in the old office? I hope it can still be meaningful.

She also says it adds to her quality of life...

I think I'm done. I've had enough ruptures. Five in six months.

Everything is ruined. The move, saying goodbye to the old space, having "our" things in our new space. It's not "our" space now. It's all hers. And I can't believe she had the nerve to tell me at 10pm on the eve of our goodbye session.

I sent her an email last night telling her I'm done. Her response had nothing to do with my feelings. All it had to do was with my push away. H called her last night and left a message. H was so upset for me, he wanted to call. I let him. He asked her to give me a call. Again, her response put it back on me.

I'm basically done. Over a stupid ottoman, no. Because of all the ruptures: her leave, her first vacation, talking to my pdoc without informing me, the pumping things, and now the ottoman.

There's something else about her that only a few people here know (and it will stay that way out of respect). But she really needs to fix herself. Ever since her pregnancy, she's been out of control. She needs to either knock it off on her own or fix it. Both are in her control.

LT,
Yes, today is the goodbye session. Great timing, huh?

I don't know know that the old chair was hurting her. Just she said the new chair helps her back. And I'm guessing the new ottoman will match the new chair better because this is actual leather and the old one wasn't.

I get that this is her office, but she said it was "ours". I get she's excited and this is better for her. I want good things for her. I also understand she has the right to change her mind. But the ottoman was meant to come since day 1! That and the rug were the most important things to me. The ottoman the most. But she wants a prettier one. She has not taken me into consideration at all!

She says we're bringing each other, the kleenex box, the fan, and the design. And that all our transitional objects will have a home. But she needs to make choices for her so she doesn't resent me and also for what she thinks is best for us for the long run.

She said we can keep the ottoman. She'll just have two... and she'll store "our" ottoman away.

She doesn't understand why something similar isn't good enough. It's about the item itself. It holds the memories and meanings. Not the replacement.

I remember having a blue bear as a child. I think my mom threw it away. Anyways, I loved that bear. So for the next, who knows how long, my dad would buy every blue bear he could find to try to replace it. They never did find it.

Wow...

I'm so sorry, Scarlet.
A therapist has no business inferring the possibility of 'resentment' towards a client.

I'm sorry she doesn't understand the significance of the actual objects to you.

Have you shared your experience with blue bears with her?

I hope a path emerges that makes you feel better in all this.

Hugs, Scarlet, I'm so sorry... I understand your wanting to be done. Honestly, I felt like that a few times with Dr. T and the new space, mainly over ruptures related to it. For now, I'm glad I stayed, even though it's still difficult in some ways. Though Dr. T did bring much of the same stuff.

But I have no idea how it will be for you, especially considering you've had the added ruptures (and break) related to her pregnancy. You need to do what's best for you. It could be worth going there at least once or twice and seeing how it feels. Or maybe taking a bit of a break first, if that feels like what you need. But if you choose not to go again at all, that's completely understandable.

I'm glad she'll at least keep the ottoman--but by "store it away," does that mean it won't be in the room with you? Or just that it will be off to the side? It does seem like she really doesn't understand how this is for you.

I can see how this is bringing back feelings about the bear. And your dad trying to replace it, but it not being the same. I wonder if you could try to explain it to her that way, it could help her understand?

Not to derail, but Dr. T has said the reason he will charge for emails if they go above a certain quantity/length is to avoid resenting a client taking up his time. That if he's getting paid for that time, he won't feel resentment. I still hate the use of the word "resentment" in there. It just seems so strong...

My point exactly, LT.

Nothing like making your [the therapist's] agenda abundantly clear.

Is it agenda, or is it just a boundary?

Therapy is supposed to be a safe place for grieving, or to be aggrieved. I never expected it to be a place safe FROM grief. It's full of grief, hiding in every corner, waiting to be PROCESSED.

As usual, i don't understand.

Thank you, LT and Lost!

I'm not sure if I shared the story with her about the blue bear, but if I didn't, I emailed her about it today along with other stories of things I've lost (objects and spaces).

The ottoman will be stored in another room when I'm not there. She'll only bring it out when I am there. I don't know if I believe her, but she said if I always wanted it I could keep it. She doesn't make promises so technically she's not lying. But I don't necessarily believe that her decision won't change in time.

About saying resenting: I wish she didn't say it. It hurt and was not helpful. Made me feel like a burden or in the way. Like I shouldn't ask for anything. But we do have our rule: Honesty first. And she was being honest. We are also open with each other. It just hurt.

Today was an actual good day considering all the grief and sadness. I got to acknowledge and say goodbye to every aspect of the office space: the lobby, another room we have used, the hallway, and her personal office. We did grounding exercises in the lobby and her office. She's taken pictures of everything and she's going to make meditations for both the lobby and office as well. We processed a lot. I think, hopefully, she's understanding what this all means to me and how much I'm giving up. She had two plants. One she'll take to the new place and one I keep. We also exchanged blankets (her blanket she gave to me and the one I made for her) in order to "recharge" them. And she said I can reach out for whatever I need to. Oh! And she said, again I don't know if I believe her, that if I needed to, we could go back and visit the old office again.

I hope I learn to love the new place. L thinks I will over time. I want to. I also want this to be our last "home" for a long long time. This stuff is so painful to me.

So glad you were still able to have a good day in saying goodbye to the room yesterday. I'm glad she seems to understand. And that you're getting a plant and exchanging blankets.

Second session in new office. I hated it. I hated seeing all of her things and our things in there. They don't belong there. I hated session, too. Bad session. Just couldn't connect with her. She thinks we compromise when we both have needs. B.S. Her needs will always be greater than mine. The only time I get my needs met is it it either falls in line with her needs or she doesn't have a particular need. But when both of us have needs, she has the power, and she wins.

I wanted to get up and just leave. I should have. I want to be done with all of this. I regret my decision. But guess what? It wasn't my decision anyways. That was just an illusion. She made the decision, she just happened to agree with me. I have absolutely no say in this relationship. Even the direction we've been going. I never agreed to IFS. I'm not necessarily against it, but I also don't necessarily like it.

I hate the office. I hate therapy. And I hate her right now. Maybe I should just quit. Everyone irl thinks I don't need it anymore. H thinks since she got pregnant that she's been unstable. We keep having problems. I don't know what to do. Throw away a 5 year relationship? I'm really just tempted to end everything.

Hugs, Scarlet...