Attachment to spaces

I know we've been talking about this a lot on here. I've run into another problem. L currently has 2 office buildings in different cities. One is in an expensive beach town. That one is where her office is. She has a lease for 2 more years, but they're afraid the owner will sell the building after their lease is up. They just leased a new building in yet another different city. L just told me that I might be able to choose if she moves her main office to the new building.

Pros of new building:
Shorter commute
Probably better parking
Owner less likely to sell = location more permanent
In the same city she lives

Cons:
Have to say goodbye to yet another office
Have to adjust to another new space
Probably won't be able to keep any of the furniture from the old place. (The couch, chair, ottoman, and rug which are things that ground me.)

What would you do especially if you're attached to spaces? Stay and wait to see if the lease will be renewed? Go now and start afresh?

I just want stability...

Pros are quite good. If it were me I would go now.

Scarlet, as you know, I'm dealing with a move, too. If I was in your position, I might want to stick with the building I know. Then maybe start gradually switching to the new one before the lease could be up. Is there an option to try out the new location to see what it feels like? Will she be working from both?

Thanks, LT. No, I don't think I can try it out...hmmm...maybe she could give me the address and visit the building like what you did? I think she'll only be working at one. She's still only in-person once a week since she got back 5 months ago. She says she's trying to get back to at least twice a week asap. So I'm guessing she's only going to work in one location.

I got to talk to her today. She said we can probably keep all the furniture and even have the same paint color. That would make me feel so much better.

I don't know what to choose. She said she'll come up with a proposal for me...? I think she wants to move. If she does, I'll probably agree to it especially if we keep everything. She seemed surprised that I was even willing to consider it. I like our current office. It has a cozy waiting room and a back door that you can sneak out of. And it has a huge skylight. But the pros of moving are compelling. It will shave probably 5-10mins off my drive (45min drive). And right now for parking you have to compete with all the beach goers.

I don't know what to do!

Personally I’d move and start fresh, especially if she could keep some old stuff. On the other hand if you still have two years at old place, I’d not worry about what happens in two years. Two years is a long time. Id take my chances.

But I don’t pretend to know the answers, I am not attached to spaces at all. I just dislike ugly spaces. Every t I had had a very ugly office. Don’t know what’s up with that

L's offices are very pretty. Not my style, but definitely not ugly. My main complaint (besides the new tan-ish leather couch) is that all the couches are low. I'm only 5'7". I think 5'8" is average in the states? And I struggle to get up from them.

I hate low couches! Tan leather must be pretty though!

On the subject of height though…You must be surrounded by tall folks so you think 5.8 is average. It might be for men. 5.8 is way above average for women. It’s actually kind of tall. I dare to say 5.7 is above average too. Unless you live in Scandinavian countries.

I am originally from a country with higher average than US and I always stood out as a short girl. I mostly blend in in the US. Lol

Hmmm. I must be wrong then. I'm actually surrounded by short people, but I don't think I stand out. Everyone in my life right now is shorter than me. My dad and sister were taller than me. I think it was my dad who told me I'm shorter than the average. Sorry for misinformation!!!

If you're talking average height in general, like considering all genders, then that might be accurate. I'm 5'4", which I've read is average height for a woman. My parents are both 5'8", and my mom is tall for a woman, but my dad is short for a guy.

You were probably slightly shorter than average if you were a man, certainly not for a woman! Maybe your dad assumed what is average height because he is tall himself or he meant average for all genders, not for women

L said she'd give me the address. Plus, after setting up the offices, she'd meet with me to show me around. Oh! And she said there is a back door. There's even a back patio that we might be able to meet on sometimes.

Oh, a back patio sounds nice!

Oh back door and back patio sounds very nice

She gave me the address and I went there yesterday. I knew exactly where it was because I used to take that road on my way home when I lived in the area. It's a nice quiet building. Doesn't seem like it will get a lot of traffic. She showed me the floor plan and where her office would be. It doesn't have access to the patio, so we probably won't ever have sessions out there. But it's a corner office and has two walls with windows. She said she'll meet me there one day to let me see the space before we transition over.

I'm 75% I'm going to decide to move. I think what's pushing me over is that she seems to really want this now that I'm willing to consider it. The only cons to this move are new space/old space and furniture/design. I know she'll keep the main pieces of furniture we do grounding with: her chair, ottoman, and rug. I want her to take the couch, but I told her I also don't want to stifle her design. I want her to have fun and be creative. She will be in this space for a long time. Plus, the couch might just fit better with the old space's design.

It will be sad to leave the old space. I am attached to it. But recently it has become a reminder of some ruptures we've had. Maybe a fresh start is what we both need.

I can't believe I'm leaning towards moving...

I'm impressed by your courage, Scarlet.

It makes sense to me that you would appreciate the opportunity to 'start over' in a new space.

I understand the attachment to the space that you've previously shared with L, too.

It might even be that the energy of the new space is what you both need to help you through these conflicts...or maybe I'm just rambling.

Good on you for being open to change.

Nah. You're not rambling. There is a good energy about the place that I feel. The area, I'm very comfortable with. It's a very safe neighborhood with businesses on the outskirt. And this building is kind of tucked away from everything. It seemed peaceful. L says the view of all the greens and trees is beautiful, too. I did go into the lobby of the building. It was nice. Nothing stood out.

Maybe this is needed. It's come up at the right time to incorporate this change. Just a fresh start.

Scary, but needed.

That sounds promising about the new space, Scarlet. Dr. T's soon-to-be-old office has two walls of windows, which is nice (R's did, too). His new one will just have one.

It's interesting you mention how the current space is reminding you of ruptures you had. When I told Dr. T, earlier on about the move, that his current office is like a safe space to me, he said, "Well, it wasn't always safe." Referencing the ruptures there. We did work through them, but he was right, that it had times where it felt very unsafe. So maybe the new office can be a fresh start for you and L, Scarlet?

Also, wasn't she just redoing her current office? Just confused as to why she would do that and is now moving, unless she just learned about the 2-year thing, with a possible sale. I hope, whatever you choose, it works out for you.

Yes, she is redesigning her current office. What happened is that her business is growing and they needed to lease an additional office building for more therapists. She's part owner in the company. I think she was really surprised that I'm willing to move. She didn't think I'd be ready for like a year or two. So she wasn't planning on moving now. She gave me the option to decide when, and I happened to weigh the pros and cons, and I am open to the idea now.

About the ruptures: I just think so much has happened since she got back. And where she had the breastfeeding items is still disturbing to me (and to her). It's like the room is already ruined. Like a ghost haunting both of us. I think that's one reason she's redecorating now. To try and fix that. She actually had planned to redecorate the room before her leave. She put it off because she knew it would be too much for me to come back to a new space. That's why she's finally doing it: because we have settled back into our relationship.

I really hope I'm making a good choice. It's not one I can take back. I need to talk to her more first. I don't want to regret this.

Well, she might not be keeping the couch or the paint color. And I realized that there will be a new lobby. I've sat in my chair for 5 years and now I'll have to sit somewhere else.

I told her today that if it was just based on logistics, I'd say move. But the emotions are what's holding me back. It's going to be painful. I'll also need more support because I'll no longer have a space to call home (my current apartment is not home yet to me).

She's going to try to get me in to see the new office. She said she'd like me to make the decision before construction is finished, but she doesn't know if we'll be allowed in there.

I'm pretty sure we're moving. I kind of don't feel it's my decision anymore. She really wants it and I just want it for her. I guess, technically, I could say no, but I just don't want to disappoint her.

Well, we have decided to move. I have very mixed feelings. The 22nd or the 29th will be the first day in the new office. And the 24th or 31st will be the last time in the old office. So I only have 2-3 times left in the old office. I'm sad. The only things she's keeping is the rug, her chair, and her ottoman. Oh, and things like her books and degrees. But all the furniture will be new and the walls will all be white (no accent color). Just sad.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry--I know how hard it can be. I will say that I'm adapting to Dr. T's new office better than I expected to--the first session was rough (also due to awkwardness at the beginning, when I asked for a handshake), but trying a different seat in the next session helped. I still struggle with it some and imagine I will for some time.

It's good that it sounds like, from the dates, you'll be able to try out the new office before leaving the old one. So at least you'll know what to expect. One thing I wished I'd done is, with the first few sessions virtual in Dr. T's new office, is that I wish he'd given me a sort of tour from his computer. But we were in conflict at the time and focused on that. I also wish in the first session in person in the new office, he'd said, "Take some time to look around." (My awkward handshake request at the beginning seemed to prevent that, though that was partly his fault for completely forgetting I'd asked about that at one point). Like maybe a bit of time to sort of look around could help? Or to see pictures or video first? I don't know. Just some thoughts and regrets from my recent/ongoing experience.

Thanks, LT. I'm sorry your move didn't go as smoothly as you'd hope. I bet if he remembered the handshake it would have felt better, more grounding. I can totally see why you'd want one at the beginning. To me, it would be like welcoming me into the space.

L is going to the office tonight with her partner and the landlord. She's going to take pictures for me. And she's going to try to get me in tomorrow to see the place. I told her if we can't do tomorrow, I'd understand.

The only good thing about the new furniture is that we won't use it! We sit on the floor. We just use the ottoman between us. But still, the environment will change.

I think I'm with you. I'm probably going to struggle with it for awhile. But L reassures me that this is a good decision. I'm just going to miss everything.

Thanks, Scarlet. I'm glad you understand about the handshake--like a welcoming to the new space. Maybe you can figure out some sort of welcoming ritual with L? That will hopefully go better than mine!

I hope you'll be able to see the space sooner than later. And I forgot you sit on the floor! Maybe that will help a bit, with the ottoman being the same.

And on another, personal note, I'm glad Dr. T found a spot for the fish, but it's in an area I can't see without turning completely around. The other items the fish was sitting with in his old office are in my line of sight. I want to ask if he could just move it there (there's a spot in the corner), but I imagine he might say no. I feel I should be happy he found a spot for it at all. He did say, "I wasn't sure if you'd be happy with it there." So I guess he's aware. Maybe he was trying to appease me by having it still be there, but didn't want to put it in an obvious location? I don't know.

Sorry to derail the thread!

I know you don't want to start a confrontation with Dr. T, but if it's important to you, I might bring it up. I brought up one time that the lantern I gave her was too big to have a home. That was so hard to say. But she actually reassured me that it does have a home. (I never knew it did. I thought she hid it). It feels good and inclusive(?) to have something of yours there. And yours is a little fish! Like you said, that can go in a corner.