Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy

How is it going now Scarlet? Did you get to work through what caused you to walk out ?
Just wanted to say I could tell you weren’t looking for any advice or opinions on your infertility, more so the fact that you can’t deal with it in therapy right now. Sorry that things are so hard ❤️

Thank you for sharing TR and I'm sorry for your loses.

Thanks Ana.

Yes. I'm not looking for infertility advice. I know my options and I know what will and won't work for my family. The only reason I talk about my infertility is because it is a factor in why I'm having a hard time with L. Their comments just showed how much they didn't understand infertility.

I actually do not know why I walked out. It's like I blocked out the entire session. The only things I remember are one of her therapists put a new desk in her office and she didn't warn me which triggered my anxiety and her anxiety for me. Then she forgot our greeting hug because of her anxiety which triggered me even more. And for the rest of the session I was frozen. But I don't know why I walked out.

I had a phone session with her Wednesday which went well. We talked about something she was vague with me about. And then I had an in-person double session yesterday. I actually was able to tell her about all my infertility news: something insensitive my mom said, insurance denying me to see a reproductive endocrinologist, and H's lab results. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about telling her. On one hand, I wish I didn't. She didn't deserve to know. Or I don't want her to feel better in anyway because she helped me. But the release from crying, just having someone be with me in it, someone who just listened... it was so needed. It's really heavy carrying all of this alone. But she didn't pretend to understand and she listened and asked questions. She was comforting.

But now I hurt more and am conflicted. How good yesterday felt makes how bad what we're going through seem even bigger. There's such a contrast. And the conflicted part is how do I go forward with all this pain and while also carrying yesterday's good? The both/and is just so big. It's so confusing. My brain and heart are just overwhelmed.

Right now, we're a baby step forward. My next real time contact will be Sunday or Monday. We'll be discussing the other the she was vague with me about. Not looking forward to that conversation. I have a bad feeling that that isn't going to turn out well.

Yes and I know everyone meant well ❤️ I can’t say I really understand infertility myself but took it that what you want and need is to be able work through the difficult feelings / grief with L and that is complicated right now
I am glad you were able to offload some of the weight. I would imagine you don’t want her to think all is ok now when it’s not?
Both/and is always a really hard one for me to grasp too! I guess it’s the black and white thinking.

It is so complicated! And confusing.

I know that she knows that everything is not okay. We confirm that with our hugs and many other times. She still knows that me leaving, permanently or for a break, is still on the table.

In fact, my pdoc put in a referral for me to see a therapist in her company. I got an email yesterday saying I wasn't a fit and so they gave me another referral. That referral said they had no openings. But with the last referral they listed what my pdoc said about me. She said I was a "complicated" patient. 1. Ouch! That's pretty harsh and judgemental. 2. I'm sure therapists look at that and go "no thanks".

I'm so sorry you're navigating this, Scarlet.

I'm amazed that they would put information like that on a document that you would see.
It's not good for anyone's confidence to think 'Oh, great...X thinks I'm complicated.'

We're all complicated in our own ways, and it sucks that the notion would be a barrier to some therapists.

It's a different situation, but I'm sure I've been passed over for jobs because I have to tick the disability box for physical health reasons.

Sending hugs,

Lost

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm glad your pdoc is trying to do referrals. I'm sorry about the "complicated" comment and understand why it would hurt.

Could it help to think of it in the sense that your pdoc wants to find a therapist who is skilled enough to give you the support you need? Rather than someone who might see you a few times, then terminate because they feel out of their depth. Like some T's want to just work with, say, people who feel a little anxious in social situations or are have a relatively mild stretch of depression. And/or might not be willing to do any outside contact or meet more than once a week.

I say this as someone called "complicated" by my own T recently. In the context, it made sense, and I felt almost positive about him saying it. This was maybe a month ago, in talking about trying to figure out whether I'm bipolar 2, borderline, both, or neither. I said something about not fully fitting the criteria for either (but some of both). And Dr. T said, smiling, in an affectionate tone, "You're complicated, Lonesome Tonight." (like using my full real name).

I'm not sure if this helps at all! I'm just saying how it's not necessarily a critical thing. I still don't think your pdoc should have worded it that way or that the T should have told you about it. Do you feel you could ask your pdoc about it?

My T used the term "complex," and although it's similar, it somehow sounds better to me than complicated. In fact, I take a little bit of pride in it. Yep, that's right, I am definitely not simple. But then again, he also called me "challenging," and I was oddly proud of that too. So maybe I'm just ornery.

I’d try to think of it in terms of comparing to physical illness. Like if you have a complicated stomach or kidney or spine issue. Technically it shouldn’t be that different from mental illness, that could be also complicated. I know it feels different because mental health is always viewed in a negative light but I’d try to keep it in the overall “health concern”. Mental and/or physical is health concern, and it could be complicated.

I was thinking the very same as LT!
My T also says I am complex and yes that feels a bit politer than complicated but same thing I would think. She says it kindly and that she likes a challenge. Some Ts do and some don’t. So your pdoc is probably trying to find the right match for you. But I can see why it would hurt to hear it like that.

I guess I read more as I'm a problem or am difficult to deal with.

You all are right. It could be to find me the right therapist. And it doesn't have to be an insult. I think like what Divine said, I see it in a negative light because that's how mental health is viewed. And I do remember my insurance trying to find a therapist for me on their own, and no one was a fit for me.

Another step backwards today. I'm so angry and pissed. She's punishing me for her shortcomings. Even if it's considered an "over-promise", taking something away is still a punishment.

What did she take away? Try not to see it as punishment whatever is that she’s doing or not doing,

Taking things away may feel like punishment but it’s not necessarily the case. Sometimes a course correction is needed. Could that be the case? Can you explain?

She's the one who suggested requesting goodnight texts because she knows every time we talk at night, I really like her saying goodnight to me. Goodnight texts are easy. Just a simple goodnight.

I sent her a text at 6pm on Thursday asking for a goodnight. She didn't get it until Friday morning. She said she would do the goodnight text Friday night. I stayed up until midnight waiting. No text until 4:30am. She explained to me why and how she's going to fix it. 1. She's no longer going to send it at night/bedtime, but late afternoon/early evening. 2. She wants me to text asking in the afternoon (like I did on Thursday, but she didn't get it). I forget what 3 was. So I no longer get texts at bedtime. I also run the risk of her not getting the text so I won't get a response at all. These things are to help her, but she's disgusting it as helping me. It doesn't help me. In fact #2 makes it almost pointless. She has missed a ton of texts I write in the afternoon. If I'm asking, there's a good reason I'm asking. I'm not asking for tomorrow, I'm asking for that night.

I'm just so tired of this. And then she corrected me on something which either she did say and I didn't hear or she truly didn't say it. She supposedly said she has dinner at 7pm. When I told her I don't know her schedule, she rudely said that she already told me.

Everything on the call was combative. She wasn't listening. She was defensive. Even when I told her how bad things are for me, she gave me 3 examples of things that have helped. I felt that was dismissive of my pain.

Just everything she does triggers me. I don't care if it's me, her, both of us. I'm so tired of this suffering.

It really seems like she just isn’t able to provide the care that she used to. It’s like she doesn’t want to take anything away but she can’t keep up so she keeps messing up and hurting you. It must feel like you can’t trust what she says anymore?
I really hope your pdoc can find you a new therapist, even if it’s just for a while

Is she doing all these texts reading and responding on her own time? It seems like a lot. Not sure why she makes these promises. Does she have other clients? Even if you are her only client, that’s just a lot to remember and keep up.

You aren’t wrong for asking her for things, but if it’s too much for her, she shouldn't make promises.

I really think you need a therapist with firmer boundaries. She shares way too much and makes these unrealistic strange promises (like promises not to get pregnant what the heck) but then it’s just inevitable that no one can keep this going, so you get hurt at the end. She means well but no one can keep this up

I’d rely on your pdoc to find you a better fit t.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry. It is really difficult when they offer to provide something, then don't follow through. It seems like she's promising more than she can provide, which isn't fair to you. I don't know what the answer could be. Possibly for her to check in at some point within 24 hours? I don't know.

I know for me, Dr. T pretty much always replies to emails in the mornings, generally between 7 and 9 am (and he says this, that he will reply to client emails each morning). Recently, there was a time when I emailed the night before and hadn't heard anything back by around 11 am the next morning. I realized maybe it wasn't clear I wanted a reply, so sent an email clarifying that and saying that if it was that he was busy, a reply the next morning was fine, to just let me know. He responded within an hour, apologizing that he'd been to busy, but would reply that night. I knew not to expect that. He didn't reply that night, though did reply the next morning.

I'd have preferred if he'd just said "I'll get back to you by tomorrow" instead of saying he'd respond that evening. I did ultimately talk to him about this yesterday, saying that if he knew he couldn't get back to me in the normal timeline, could he possibly just send a very brief email or text, like, "Busy, sorry, will reply when I can." Just to acknowledge it. He said he could do that. I know that might not work in the situation with L, if it's a case where she might intend to text in the evening but falls asleep, say. But maybe you can figure something else out? That she'd then send you a "good morning" text, say? I don't know.

Thanks everyone. Technically, they are not promises. They are intentions and expectations. Least that's the words we use.

She just broke another expectation right now. Our agreement is for her to reply to any communication (except time specific like the goodnight texts) before noon the next day. If she can't, she simply tells me before noon that she can't, but when I might expect it. We had three email threads going yesterday. And I added one more. So I responded to 4 emails before midnight. The expectation is I'd at least hear something back from her even if her response needs to be delayed. I know that's a lot of email threads (even for us!), but I have heard nothing. Not one thing.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry. It would be good if she could at least send, say, a few words (literally) saying she can't reply yet. Sounds like you unfortunately need to discuss and renegotiate so that you aren't left waiting and disappointed. It's not fair to you.

Honestly, with so many email threads she probably just didn’t realize there was another and thought it was one she had already replied to.

The amount of constant texting and emails feels chaotic just reading about it. Perhaps it’s adding to your anxiety rather than giving you time to process and let your thoughts and emotions settle a bit. There’s such a thing as too much stimulus. It ends up feeding on itself and expanding which is the opposite of what you want.

Perhaps a bit of a limit on the amount of back and forth is needed to quiet your system down? It’s just a thought. It just sounds so chaotic and counterproductive.

I think she takes on way more than she can handle. She likely had good intentions but just can’t handle it. Maybe her husband tells her that she’s not there for the family in the evenings because she texts and emails all evening. 4 email threads from one person is a lot to read. Who knows how available she is for all this within her home life.

But again not your fault. She’s the one that had to set up realistic expectation from the start. Is she fostering dependency? Making you relying on her all day and night?

This is coming from a person who has poor boundaries between work and home and is there for people responding to texts/emails from them day and night. So I am not a good example of what not to do.

Could you sit down with her and go through expectations and make adjustments. What’s reasonable? What could she do for sure? And she needs to stick to it. One email a day? One thread, not 4? Text but maybe not at night? She needs to commit to what she can really do. Obviously she can’t do what she said she was going to. Some changes need to take place

She finally responded to all four. I know it takes time to read, but it took her less than 15mins to respond to everything. Even if she has a busy day, she could have told me and postponed her responses until she had time. She also never brought up the delay...

This is SO chaotic for me. It's why I was convinced to take a break. But I panicked and changed my mind. You're probably right that I really need to reduce the communication. She keeps hurting me and I'm sure I keep hurting her. She said she's had sleeping problems ever since she told me. Probably why she fell asleep in the afternoon yesterday.

I wish she would be the one to let us go. I'm sure she needs a break from me, too. I don't know why she just doesn't plan another vacation. Why is she holding on?

I really do think I'm addicted to her. I feel like we're enmeshed. And I know she is fostering dependency. She believes you need to get your dependency needs met in order to be more confident to be independent. Or something like that. She does support when I want to be independent like she said she was proud of me for walking out of the session.

I know none of this is healthy for me and probably her. And something needs to change. I don't think she’ll be the one to initiate the change, so I have to. But what? What do I change? Anything at this point is just going to add to the hurt. I feel stuck. What is more painful: sticking with it or leaving.

I don’t think she could drop you even with a referral without making it to look like an abandonment. So I think if you want to end it, it should be you.

I’d worry about how you feel and not how she feels. You aren’t each other’s therapists. Yes she could feel hurt on clients behalf or feeling hurt by clients actions but it’s still her job. I don’t believe her feelings need to be your concern. She can figure it out or ask advice in supervision

If this is too much and you find difficult to tone it down, take a quick break. Maybe few weeks?

Again I’m not the best to take advice from but what I would do in this situation is say ‘L, I feel like you just cannot keep up with the outside session contact that you promise.. The fact that you encourage me to ask for it and then aren’t able to provide it is really confusing and hurting me and I can’t do this anymore. I want the support but can’t handle the pain of you not doing what you say you will. I need some clear boundaries. What outside session contact can you offer me that you can be consistent with?’

I feel this will communicate to her how much her poor boundaries are hurting you & help you feel in control of this crappy situation and not like things are being taken away if she does it

No, should not have to do this but if you want to try and make this work again and feel like an adult in control then this is how I would play it