Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy

I'm done.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Scarlet... Big hugs to you. I definitely understand your being done at this point.

Oh Scarlett,
I'm so sorry you have to do this again so soon. I don't even have words for this.

omg Scarlet. I'm so sorry this is happening again so very soon.

It was an "accident" too. How could she be so careless. She should know how birth control works. And now that we've moved. I'm done with her. She's been cruel to me since her leave. She can barely make time for me now, what the f is she going to do with two little ones? I don't fit into the equation. I never did. I lied to myself thinking I was important. I hate her.

Why the heck she tells her clients that her pregnancy is accidental. Like what’s the need to share private info. I’d not begrudge people to have children, that’s not unusual and many prefer to have them with only small age difference, but why is she telling these intimate details? What’s wrong with her?

Because she told me she would tell me when she started trying again. She did that with the first pregnancy as well. I brought up that she didn't warn me, and that's when she told me it was an accident. I feel it's like a slap in the face especially since she knows my infertility struggles.

Try not to take it personally. I do understand that you feel certain way even if it’s not her intention. Your feelings are valid.

I wonder if you’d do better with older therapist?

Think you're best out of that situation... Unless it is serving a purpose...

Oh Scarlet, my heart just sank when I saw the thread, I’m so so sorry you are going through this again ❤️*🩹❤️*🩹

I'm sorry, Scarlet.

I have no words for how much this sucks for you.

It's mad to me to think that she would try again so soon.

And yet, here you are having to figure out how to navigate it again.

All the hugs, if wanted.

Lost

I'm mostly fine with her having babies. But to have an "accident"?!?! And having to deal with another leave after the last traumatic one? And having one so soon? She told me she didn't know if they'd have another. She wanted her children to have siblings. But she said she couldn't afford another. And now I'm going to have 3 months without support, her coming back only once a week telehealth for who knows how long now that she'll have a second: two under two. I know she didn't do this to me AND she sure didn't consider me when it comes to her having more children and how it affects me. Not that she would not have children, but the timeline, giving me a chance to get used to the idea, etc. Saying that she had an "accidental" pregnancy is such disrespect. And she's acting like none of this matters. That she isn't affected by this or by me. I don't believe she feels anything. She's probably just happy for herself that she's going to have a new bundle of joy.

You two are definitely seeing this differently: she sees the glass half full, you the glass half empty. I know this sounds trite, but the bolded part is the half empty part, the negative part.

Just an observation. I dont know how to reconcile the two views. As you say, her side "always wins."

I learned how to accept the negatives in my life from my t, who had similar negatives but overcame them. I dont think i learned much from my ts who always won and didnt understand what it was like to really lose.

Thanks Luna.

This is why I'm feeling like it's over. Yet again she wins. I can't compete against her and her children's needs. I will always lose to her and I will always lose to them. My needs and even wants are not important. I need stability. Is that too much to ask from a therapist? I just gave up our office of 2.5 years. I am dealing with a lot of things that are unfinished (our ruptures and other misunderstandings). And now, once again, the focus becomes her. She says it doesn't have to be. But how could it not be? This will affect me for well over a year. This impacts me greatly. And she doesn't care. She blamed it on my sensitivities and trauma. Maybe so, but it's still her actions that lead to this. She is still responsible. But maybe I give her too much credit. Maybe she just is an irresponsible person. Especially when she's off her meds. She doesn't seem to own that that itself causes problems. But of course, since she's pregnant and breastfeeding, she can't be on her meds. So at least another 2 years of her uncontrolled behavior.

I don't know how to reconcile this. I am looking at the glass half empty. Her stupidity doesn't help me in any way.

I do have problems accepting negatives despite having experienced so many. I think it's mostly been having someone to lean on. I haven't taken care of myself since before H.

Could you work on finding a new T while still working with L for a bit? How far along is she in this pregnancy?

Also, it could be that she also wasn't ready to get pregnant again and is also struggling with this in her own ways. But she's trying to be positive about it for herself, and that's how it comes across to you. I'm not sure if that makes sense. Basically, she might be having mixed emotions about it, not all happy.

I will add that no form of birth control (aside from a hysterectomy--as even vasectomies can reverse themselves) is 100%, so it could be she was trying to be careful and was one of the small percentage that got pregnant on the pill or whatever she was using. If it was the pill, if she had to take antibiotics at some point, that can make it less effective that month, for example. And if she did make a mistake, like forget to take a pill or something like that, she could be beating herself up for it inside.

It does sound like it's best to find a new T at this point though (and I'm not one to generally suggest that, but you also said it first). Or at least to find someone with whom you're comfortable to use as a backup while she's on leave and maybe for part of the telehealth time, then consider resuming with her later. Maybe someone who has no connection to her?

I don't know how to take in what you said about her possible feelings and birth control. Right now, I don't even care about her situation for herself. I know that sounds mean and even cruel, but it's the truth. Right now I'm trying to figure out how I cope and survive this and whether I stay or leave.

Yes, I don't want referrals from her: inside or outside her business. Plus, if I do leave her, I'll need someone who accepts my insurance or is willing to. Like no one in her business accepts insurance, but she's doing it for me. So I'm sure her referrals won't accept my insurance.

And that's a fear about her leave. Who is going to see me AND accept my insurance if it's within her business? G did. But would anyone else?

I'm going to be alone again.

Given that she is pregnant = what would her caring look like to you - what do you want her to do at this point that would be useful to you? Not whether she will do it or not -that is a different step -but do you in yourself have ideas on how she could help you with the idea that someone can care even when you are not getting what you want?
Also - perhaps this is a time to grow your support base with other people and she could support you through that. Having just a therapist as the lone support might not be serving you well in general. Also - give yourself credit - you made it through the first one and you can make through the second one if you decide you want to do so. You survived without this one for a long time - not to diminish her importance to you but putting it more in perspective where you are able to do it even where you are not completely happy about it.

I'm so sorry, Scarlet. Thinking of you.

I'm sorry, Scarlet--all I was trying to say is that she might not be completely happy about this either. I'm not so much saying that for you to consider her feelings. You made a comment that she's probably just happy for herself and wouldn't care about you. I guess I meant that she might not be all that happy either.

I may be explaining it poorly. So, OK, let me try something else.

With Dr. T, at first, I thought he was all happy and excited about the move, when all it was doing was being disruptive to me and my sense of safety. But finding out that he had some mixed feelings about it, too, that he'd miss the space and was a bit unsure about the new one, helped me a bit. Because it wasn't just, he was happy and excited, and I was miserable. I even said at one point that I felt better that he was kind of sad about it, too. (This was back before the move turned into a giant mess.)

I know this is a different thing--and you've also just dealt with a move. And haven't fully recovered from the ruptures of her last pregnancy. And there's the complicating factor of her meds, too.

I do think you need to focus on yourself and what you want and need right now, getting through this, like you said. Would there be an opportunity for you to meet with T, just to talk this through? I know you've been less sure about her lately, but it's someone you know.

SD,
I don't actually think I want or need anything from her anymore. I needed stability and consistency, but clearly that's not going to happen.

Maybe I want her to feel things. Guilt, empathy, pain, sorrow, grief, etc. Maybe if she felt these things, maybe I'd believe she cared.

But as far as actions, all she has done is failed me. Hugs, sessions... I don't know what else, but those won't heal this.

I do need to grow my support system. Mine is very small. If you count my pdoc, I have 6 people and 4 dogs in my life. I have no goals and no purpose except to not hurt those people and animals. I was working on grieving my infertility. That feels pointless to process with her now.

You're right. I did do it last time. Two months completely on my own. No therapist. It was just so hard. I don't want to go through this again. But then again, we've had a ton of problems since she's been back, too. So I haven't had her back. And I have a feeling this won't be her last time either. That's why I'm really leaning towards just being done. Her stage in life is not meshing with the support I need. But then again, five years. I gave her my all. She knows literally everything about me. Everything! I'm torn.

No need to apologize, LT. I'm not upset. I just don't have the capacity to empathize with her. She might have other feelings then just happy. And I really just don't care. Like I responded above, I want her to feel feelings for me and us. I want her to feel all those feelings, even regret. Not that she will feel any of those things, but it would make me feel better.

L said she was going to tell T about the pregnancy. I don't know if I'm supposed to wait for L to talk to T or if I can just do it now. Maybe I should have a session with T. But the problem with T is she is so direct and to the point, that our last session only last 30mins and that was hard stretching that out. Plus she's always positive. I feel like I have no one but her to bounce these things off of, but she's not ideal either. Maybe I'll write her an email and try.

When I found out abouy my T, I jumped onto finding somebody who could be around once he's gone almost immediately. I am now glad I did so, even though T is still the best person to ever have been in my life. Maybe you can look around? You could still talk to her a bit in the next few months and process some things, while maybe also offloading some of the other things to a different T. Also, I'd hope a US therapist has some kind of way to find people who are not within the same insurance!

You know what pisses me off the most? Her inconsistencies. Her instability. Why the hell did she take me on as a client doing deep interpersonal and trauma work? I didn't know her hopes and dreams of being a mother. I still don't know how many she wants. I think it was false advertisement. I think it's borderline unethical. And blaming me for my issues? Is that not gaslighting? I think she has failed me as a therapist. I think her transference got in the way. I think she really enjoyed my attachment to her and I think she got attached to me. I think she's delusional if she thinks she has been consistent.

I can't have two therapists at once. And if I go to a therapist in network, I lose L no matter what because she's out of network. I'm doomed no matter what.

I'm barely hanging on. I think I need the hospital at this point, but I don't want to go.

I emailed T. I hope she gets back to me soon. I'm really struggling.

I always had a bit of an issue with therapists creating such intense attachments in clients when they know it’s just not sustainable in a long run. And I am not sure it benefits a client. Clients end up suffering one way or the other while therapists just go about their lives. And these Ts don’t seem to work with their clients on fostering independence, but rather foster attachments. I know my opinion is unpopular.

As about kids, honestly people don’t always know if they want children or how many and when. These things change some time rapidly. Not every parent had actual hopes and dreams of being a parent. Sometimes life just happens. But it doesn’t mean it’s easy for a client

Do talk to T. And maybe just make a plan of changing therapists. Can you see T full time snd drop L