Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy

Yes. I can't just take a break. I have to have another session with her.

It sucks because I just got a response from a text I sent early afternoon yesterday. It was a mean text and it was responded to with coldness and indifference. Maybe I deserved that, but it triggered me again. I'm supposed to have a check in call with her tonight. I'm thinking of canceling.

Hugs, Scarlet. It seems like she should be willing to let you just take a break. Could you cancel the check-in call, go to your next session, and take a break after that? Maybe you wouldn't even need to stay for the whole session if you didn't want to? Or you could meet virtually if that feels safer (if she'd allow that).

Here's what T wrote me today:
She misunderstood 5 sessions for 5 weeks.

This is hard for me. To willingly miss out on precious time with L. But things are not okay. And this needs to be taken seriously. And at least a break doesn't mean goodbye.

LT,
Yes, I think I am canceling today. I'm leaning towards taking the break. If for some reason I have to do a session (which T seems to think I shouldn't need to), I'll probably do it virtual and for as minimal time needed. If I miss tomorrow, I'll get charged a late fee. But she said it's only $15.

I'll update when I know what I'm doing.

Sorry for spamming my own thread. I wrote and sent this to L. Please no harsh judgments. This was much much more nicer than what I had been writing.

Youre sounding like a jealous lover, or am i reading that wrong? Not just this last note, but overall? I feel like i understand the desire, cuz boy did i make the "funny" remarks when my t remarried. I saw it as parts, but my t did not give credence or succor to my parts as your t seems to. He wouldnt let them run the show to my detriment. He propped up a different part of me that, now that i think of it, aligned more with him. Instead of my parents crazy interjects that only caused me trouble, i adopted t's serenity as my own. Its alright to replace it if it doesnt serve you.

Maybe I did it the wrong way. Maybe it's just because that's the way our relationship is. But at least I found the strength to cut ties with her even for a little bit. I don't think you understand how hard that was/is. I don't feel empowered. I feel devastated. But I know this is needed for me, for her, for our relationship. She would never step away, so I had to.

Hugs, Scarlet.

The only thing I wonder about is that you told her to not respond to your message. Do you think you'll be bothered if she listens to that and doesn't respond? (I've generally learned personally to not say "don't respond" because usually, deep down, I do want a response.)

I do understand why you said that though--I imagine it's partly so you aren't waiting on a response and also partly that you don't want her to try to change your mind. I just hope she keeps your time open after the 5 sessions are up, assuming you at least want to see her one more time, should you decide to leave.

Are you planning to see T during that time, as she offered? Seems like it could be a good idea for some support (aside from your H--I'm glad he's been there for you, too, but I'm sure it's difficult what he's saying about L).

The thing is - is your rational mind running the show or the emotional hurt mind running the show? It isn't going to really hurt or have much bearing on the therapist either way ultimately.

LT,
Yes,both things are correct: so I'm not waiting for a reply and so she doesn't change my mind. And yet I secretly hope she somehow still contacts me (like saying we agreed on one last session) and saves me. That's how ****ing emmeshed we are.

I think I will have a session next week with T. It's going to be extremely hard not having daily support. And I feel like I have ****ed everything up. Like she'll punish me if I decide to go back.

SD,
I'm still in emotional mind... However, this will hurt her, too. I know it will.

She shouldn't punish you for wanting to take a break.

You can get through this, Scarlet. It sounds like your regular contact with her was making things worse for you lately. So maybe it will actually be easier to get through without the daily support? As it wasn't really giving you support. Post on here as often as you need if it helps.

Just remember that you made it through before. I do hope T will be helpful next week.

Hugs, Scarlet. I agree with LT, that L should not punish you for wanting a break. And also agree that you can get through this.

Thanks LT and Artie. I need all the support and encouragement I can get. This break is shorter than her leave, but I'm also choosing this this time. But I still think it's needed.

I wish I had an iPhone to see if she even got my text yet or not.

All this week, I've felt suicidal except for one day. She did happen to help me that day. But since I've learned how she got pregnant, I've been in so much pain. There's so much grief and anger and betrayal and disrespect. And yes, there are feelings of jealousy that she is able to have children without even thinking about it and I can't. But that's not what's driving this. This is how she got pregnant, that it wasn't planned, and that now I've had no time to do my own therapy. It's all been about her.

Sorry for the rant.

I know this isn't all about her. I have BPD. I know my tendencies. And her life keeps affecting mine. She is still responsible for her actions just as I'm responsible for my reactions. And we are so intertwined. That is also a huge part of why these problems are happening.

I'm struggling. I'm trying to be strong. Trying to believe this is healthy. It's hard when you're in a suicidal state to give up your daily support.

I’m so sorry Scarlet, I have been following the thread but just don’t know what to say other than I think you are doing the right thing by taking the break. I totally get that it feels like you are missing precious time with her, I think I’d feel the same. But I think it’s for the best. See how it feels to make that choice and not be triggered by her constantly. I know it hurts in a different way but I think it’s a good move right now. Then you can decide what you want to do.

I too think a break is a good thing and nothing she should hold over you or say "you have to see me once". I might be wrong but you do not strike me as the kind of BPD that just ups and leaves permanently all of the sudden all the time. I think it's completely reasonable in your shoes to want to have some space. For myself with BPD I have learned to listen to when I do need space, otherwise I'll just lash out at everyone, though that might be just me.

Also, remember this forum is here too, you're not alone!

I used to be the type of person to burn bridges easily. I still can like with my dad and sister, but they were literally putting my life at risk. I think I made the healthy choice with them. I'm also the type that will try to forgive if the person tries to come back. I did that with every family member and even H.

I'm very similar to you, CNS. If I don't have space when I'm hurting, I will lash out... badly. I've been doing that all week with L. I haven't called her names, but I have cussed her out almost everyday.

I so appreciate you all. You are one of my resources, coping skills. The forums are actually a part of my safety plan with L. I need you all and depend on you. I value the input.

I know I'll be a disappointed and probably don't deserve support... I went back to her. And it's been nothing but pain. I know I can leave again. I just want my old L back.

I talked to her today. I broke down during and afterwards. Then I got yelled at by H for the next hour. I know everyone thinks I should at least take a break. I'm addicted to her. I'm struggling so much.

Not everyone!

I think you are re-enacting trying to get her to change, trying to hurt her, etc - but the only reason you can do this is because deep down you know you are safe. You know she wont kill you - unlike your sister and dad, or my family but esp my mom.

As for your h, he doesnt want to see you win this battle (with yourself, really) because then you might use that strength on him. Something like that.

I don't think you need a break from the therapist. I do think you need a break from the husband.

Una,
You're right. Deep down inside, I know she's safe. She isn't going to retaliate or something similar. Isn't said you hurt the people who you are closest too? Because they are the safest. I do want her to hurt. I want her to feel my pain. To change? I want her to change back to the version of her before her pregnancies.

SD,
You're also right. I do need a break from H. Nineteen years of almost completely 24/7 together. My only me time is therapy and other doctor appointments. Though recently, once a month, I go to breakfast with my mom and family friend and he doesn't come.

Hugs, Scarlet. Of course you're still deserving of support. I know firsthand how difficult it can be to leave a T or even take a break.

Is meeting with T still an option, maybe to help you figure out what to do? In terms of taking a break or not? I know she was in favor of you taking one, but I know for me, it can help to have someone to talk things through with (R has helped me a few times with that regarding Dr. T).

And did L say anything else about the idea of a break when you talked? I"m sorry it sounds like she just caused you pain from the conversation today.

You deserve support no matter what, Scarlet ❤️❤️ I know there is no easy option, you can only do the best you can each day. I’m sorry you are hurting so much

I'm so sorry, Scarlet.

It is excruciating when the person who you turn to for support is also the person who caused the pain.

Starting over again would suck, there are no two ways about it.
Trusting somebody whose actions have caused you pain is extremely difficult too.

I wish you peace with whatever decision you make.

Lost

Thanks, LT.

I think having a session with T could still be an option. It's just hard with T. Maybe because she says it like it is? And sometimes I don't want to hear it. Like she told me that L technically never lied to me. "Technically", it's true.

L says she'll support a leave whenever I want to. And she wouldn't consider it leaving. She said even if I left for 2 years, I could always come back. However, I'd be put on a waitlist. While I understand that's fair, it would still suck.

Part of me still wants a break. We just are not okay. I need more help than she's willing to give me. Like she's had no time for a session over the weekend and no time for a short phone call today. Last rupture, we had rl contact every day until I was able to start coping. I just still feel like she's punishing me. And I feel like if she truly understood, she'd find the time.

She says she's owning her actions and that she's feeling it. I just don't believe her. For some reason, I no longer trust her words. Like she says she cries for me for how pregnancy triggers my maternal transference and my infertility grief. She's always cried for that. I want her to cry for how she's broken my trust and our relationship.

She wants me to text her "Are you there?" whenever I feel alone. It's a little comforting because I know she is there. However, it hurts because I feel like I'm allowing her to gloss over the pain and act as if she's there. Like I'm betraying myself.

I feel so stuck and am struggling so much. And I don't feel like she's empathetic to my pain.