Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Mountaindewed · Oct 23, 2024 at 08:06 PM

I'm not "allowed" to see you in person tommorow. This thing can kiss my ***.

ArtieTheSequal · Oct 23, 2024 at 08:16 PM

gosh darn it i want to check in with you.

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 23, 2024 at 08:25 PM

6 hours and nothing. You knew I was struggling, but you're not concerned enough to check-in. I hate you. I open myself up to you in vulnerable ways only to be abandoned when I really need you.

LonesomeTonight · Oct 25, 2024 at 01:31 PM

Dear T,

That was a nice exchange at the end of session today, about my fumbling to fit everything back in my purse. Felt affectionate, like you appreciate our relationship, even if it's complicated and messy sometimes. That's how I feel about it, too.

Love,
LT

Victoria'smom · Oct 25, 2024 at 10:38 PM

Being a little honest scared you hopefully we can talk about it Monday.

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 26, 2024 at 12:23 AM

I get it now! I'm just a client. My pain stems from my issues (abandonment, neglect, invalidation, rejection, favoritism, and aloneness) or just the unfairness of the universe. No matter what I do, no matter how much of myself I give, you are my doctor and I am just a patient. Everyone is right. It's just a paid relationship. Maybe there's love, but the basis is just that: doctor/client. Nothing more.

Mountaindewed · Oct 26, 2024 at 03:43 AM

I can tell I'm over my jealousy because I came into the zoom session with covid on Thursday and didn't care when you said I sounded "covidy." And I was worried my coughing was a distraction so I was trying to keep it quiet.

ArtieTheSequal · Oct 26, 2024 at 10:25 AM

Well my new poetry eBook just became available today. i want to tell you about it but don't worry, I won't bother you. it's something that came about after we last spoke so it's not like I could say "remember when I talked about...." or something. i've been writing a lot of poems lately inspired by edgar allan poe, and one of my poetry challenge friends suggested I do a chapbook of them, which I thought was a grand idea. so as soon as I had 20+ poems I put one together.

LonesomeTonight · Oct 27, 2024 at 10:14 AM

Dear T,

I imagine it had no meaning at all that you signed the forwarded email about the parenting therapist with your first initial today before your autosignature, but it did feel nice. You were probably replying to other people at the time, maybe friends, where you use that sort of signature, so you probably did it without thinking. So I won't read anything into it.

Love,
LT

LonesomeTonight · Oct 28, 2024 at 02:40 PM

Dear T,

I guess I jinxed things with H by telling you he seemed in a good mood Saturday and that we'd had a nice dinner out, including a good conversation about D. Now he seems angry with me. I thought I was just backing up his comment re: D, but clearly, he thought differently. Why do these things tend to happen shortly after a session? I suppose it's good I'm going out with a friend in an hour...

Love,
LT

comrademoomoo · Oct 29, 2024 at 05:46 AM

This doesn't feel good. I feel nervous and unsettled. I don't know what I am doing. It's harder to come back into contact with you than it is to let something evaporate.

LostOnTheTrail · Oct 29, 2024 at 04:11 PM

Please send the picture of the cards when you can.
With the turbulence I feel most of the time, I am so surprised that seven basic emotions could cause so much trouble.

I can only hope that I will be able to trust you to hold this anger.

I know too much - I know more than I ever should have known...and now I have to work out how to carry it, separate from my image of my friend Steve.

How?

LostOnTheTrail · Oct 30, 2024 at 04:18 PM

Dear H,

Would it be weird if I sent you the poem I mentioned when we spoke on Monday?
I don't want to appear too familiar with you.

Speak soon,

Lost

comrademoomoo · Oct 31, 2024 at 08:07 AM

I don't want to meet. I should have cancelled. But then that becomes a thing of its own and I don't want that either. Yours, Goldilocks.

LostOnTheTrail · Oct 31, 2024 at 12:45 PM

Well,

I'm trying to plan my emotional support around Steve's birthday.
I know that we will probably finish for the year around the 12th of December, and H doesn't work on the helpline on Thursdays...

Maybe I can request a check in with N in the lead up.

If everything is already haywire, how can it get more so?

Lost

Mountaindewed · Oct 31, 2024 at 07:35 PM

We talked about baked brie from Aldis and we both said we have eaten the whole thing by ourselves and I said I just use a fork I don't even use crackers. You thought that was funny. So I'm not sure whats the big deal with the working out thing.

LostOnTheTrail · Nov 02, 2024 at 04:43 PM

If I can't let my anger exist in my journal, then...where?

That's something I need to figure out quite quickly, I think.

If it continues to exist within me, it will...spill out.

Lostislost · Nov 03, 2024 at 01:17 PM

How can there not be a blueprint for recovery. Or even just a basic outline. I really feel like there’s no end to the rings on this spiral, if you could tell me how other people heal that would be great. Or if you can tell I’m not going to heal ever, just tell me that. It’s the waiting and hoping that I find most painful.

ArtieTheSequal · Nov 03, 2024 at 02:52 PM

ha today's prompt for the november PAD challenge is to write a correspondence poem. So naturally, what do I choose to write about, but the letter I asked you for before I took that year off that you said no to writing. Of course. Yeah, that still rankles me in a back of my mind sort of way. It felt pretty awful having you say no and it was the first thing I thought of when i read the prompt. Why wasn't I good enough? Poop on you.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

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Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,681 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,708 hugs given	Oct 23, 2024 at 08:06 PM #41 I'm not "allowed" to see you in person tommorow. This thing can kiss my ***. __________________ I'm Blue
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ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert of my soul Posts: 7,585 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,995 hugs given	Oct 23, 2024 at 08:16 PM #42 gosh darn it i want to check in with you.
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ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,716 (SuperPoster!) 11 7,206 hugs given	Oct 23, 2024 at 08:25 PM #43 6 hours and nothing. You knew I was struggling, but you're not concerned enough to check-in. I hate you. I open myself up to you in vulnerable ways only to be abandoned when I really need you. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica
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LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 21,595 (SuperPoster!) 9 76.1k hugs given	Oct 25, 2024 at 01:31 PM #44 Dear T, That was a nice exchange at the end of session today, about my fumbling to fit everything back in my purse. Felt affectionate, like you appreciate our relationship, even if it's complicated and messy sometimes. That's how I feel about it, too. Love, LT
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Victoria'smom Legendary Member Since Apr 2012 Location: Earth Posts: 15,305 (SuperPoster!) 12 5,622 hugs given	Oct 25, 2024 at 10:38 PM #45 Being a little honest scared you hopefully we can talk about it Monday. __________________ Dx: Me- SzA Husband- Bipolar 1 Daughter- mood disorder+ Comfortable broken and happy "So I don't know why I'm tongue tied At the wrong time when I need this."- P!nk My blog
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Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,681 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,708 hugs given	Oct 26, 2024 at 03:43 AM #47 I can tell I'm over my jealousy because I came into the zoom session with covid on Thursday and didn't care when you said I sounded "covidy." And I was worried my coughing was a distraction so I was trying to keep it quiet. __________________ I'm Blue
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comrademoomoo Grand Poohbah Member Since Feb 2019 Location: Toodlepip Posts: 1,829 5	Oct 29, 2024 at 05:46 AM #51 This doesn't feel good. I feel nervous and unsettled. I don't know what I am doing. It's harder to come back into contact with you than it is to let something evaporate.
	Reply With Quote

comrademoomoo Grand Poohbah Member Since Feb 2019 Location: Toodlepip Posts: 1,829 5	Oct 31, 2024 at 08:07 AM #54 I don't want to meet. I should have cancelled. But then that becomes a thing of its own and I don't want that either. Yours, Goldilocks.
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Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 38,681 (SuperPoster!) 8 9,708 hugs given	Oct 31, 2024 at 07:35 PM #56 We talked about baked brie from Aldis and we both said we have eaten the whole thing by ourselves and I said I just use a fork I don't even use crackers. You thought that was funny. So I'm not sure whats the big deal with the working out thing. __________________ I'm Blue
	Reply With Quote

Lostislost Veteran Member Member Since May 2020 Location: Uk Posts: 562 4 890 hugs given	Nov 03, 2024 at 01:17 PM #58 How can there not be a blueprint for recovery. Or even just a basic outline. I really feel like there’s no end to the rings on this spiral, if you could tell me how other people heal that would be great. Or if you can tell I’m not going to heal ever, just tell me that. It’s the waiting and hoping that I find most painful.
	Reply With Quote