Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Anything you would like to say to your therapist, big or small... post it here.

Thank you for showing understanding beyond my wildest expectations. I know you get it now, and if it were possible, I appreciate you all the more for that. I appreciate that you shared from your own experience, to show that depth of understanding.

Hey L. I hope you have some suggestions tomorrow for how I can help H grieve the loss of our cat. He's grieving hard, and I am feeling helpless. I think he's feeling a lot of guilt too that we weren't here at the end. I am feeling guilty about that too but I guess 10 years of therapy has taught me how to give myself grace because there is no way we could have known this would happen. He was acting normal on Saturday morning before we left. I mean if he had not eaten his breakfast, or had given any indication of what was coming, we would not have left. We thought he still had another 6 months-year from what the vet had said when she diagnosed the kidney disease. but she told us on Tuesday that it was apparently more advanced than she had known. I don't want to spend our whole last session on this though. I need time to say our goodbyes. What a hard combination of a session.

I'm wondering if we're going to have to go back to remote sessions based on the new CDC covid predictions. It would really suck to go back to remote for the foreseeable future after finally getting used to you and getting into a routine.

1. Welcome to the corporate shill club, W. Enjoy your life of bureaucracy and service to The Man™️
2. Welcome to the Hunger Games, J. May the odds be ever in your favor
3. Shoutout to you, L, for having my back and giving me solid ideas for this final assignment.

Artie, use this or toss it aside, but as someone who spent their last session on something other than saying goodbye and cherishing the relationship, be mindful of doing the same. I regret it. I wish I had spent the time differently.

Dear K, for once I am lost for words! I'm just not sure what to say....

How on earth am I supposed to talk about this with you when I know what tomorrow is? Sigh…

Why does everything I write sound like I am saying goodbye!?! Maybe because I am..... Maybe that's why I am struggling here.

Dear T,
Really stressful moment at the gas station tonight, but I guess I apparently handled it all OK, because the other driver let it go. And was really kind to me, after initially being accusatory. Though I really don't think I hit his car anyway. I do wonder if my bumper stickers might have helped me in this case? Or perhaps the fact that I was so willing to call my insurance or the police? Or the fact that I started crying? I'm just glad it was all OK, as I really didn't need a charge of scratching a car's door to deal with right now...
Love,
LT

Dear Julieanne, where are you? Why have you just gone silent on me? You're messing with my head woman, and probably messing with my heart. Knock it off and respond to my text. It's been three days since you said we should have a session. That's enough time to think. Of course, I think something terribly awful must have happened to you! You didn't seem flaky. Maybe I should have been more direct instead of ambivalent. HUG? Kit

Thank you, Waterbear.

L,
Why do you want me? I'm not worthy of you. No one else wants me unless they need me. And you don't need me. I wish I could pay you your full fee. I'm sorry we're going through this. Let's hope the single case agreement goes through! Then you'll at least get your full fee. Please don't leave me!

I hate your vacation.

welp, that was the last "see you at 1pm" text from you... I still don't know if I'm even going to tell you about my cat or not. H is doing better today, and with the exception of a couple hours early-early this morning, so am I. This is one thing, losing a pet, that tons of people have experienced and I can talk about with any of my friends/family so I don't really need to talk with you about it. I want to be able to focus today on the closing out of our relationship and saying goodbye.

Maybe I have found someone else. Maybe. Someone else who wants a relationship with me in the same way as I would wish you did. She sent me a picture today of her new grandchild. She has eight now, but says she doesn't see them often, as they are always busy. I think I will make her a beautiful gift and card and send them. I need to start looking elsewhere I think, after my realisation this week. Just because it can't be you doesn't mean it can't be anyone, if that makes sense. I even told her a few weeks ago what happened to me when I was younger. She likes my posts on FB, always comments on my business posts too. I like her and she has sent me some really lovely messages over the past few weeks/months. Time to nurture a different relationship I think

Dear T,
Funny, I didn't even bring up the fact that I'd wanted to meet outside in person today and was a bit sad you seemed uncomfortable about doing so. I think once I saw you, it just didn't seem that important? And we needed to process the other stuff instead.


I wonder now, from how you scheduled me for the week after Christmas and what you said, if you're even still planning to travel? I wouldn't be surprised at all if you changed your plans, given the case rates (and I don't know where you were headed, so maybe they're worse there). Glad it won't be that long of a break in there, with seeing you Thursday then Tuesday. I had expected Wednesday, and I know it's only a day, but it feels a lot different.
Love,
LT

PS--I sort of want to see your car with all the dents in it!

E, thanks for tonight. It was difficult but I guess anger is an issue for me. Also, I will try really hard to imagine you and T hanging out w me at dinner. lol.

Thank you SO much for today, L. I can't really imagine a better last session. Thanks also for letting me unlock and open the door when I left. That was symbolic you know of the new door from that one dream, that I'm passing through now into the next stage of my life's journey.

Also, I hope I don't wake up tomorrow and go "HOLY **** WHAT DID I DO?"

I don't think I will, since we did this gradually over 4 sessions. I can see that happening if I just up and said one day out of the blue this is my last day see ya. But I didn't want to do it that way. I wanted an intentional, well-thought-out ending and that's exactly what you allowed me to have. So, thank you for that, too.

L,
I love you. I'm glad I'm being more open with you and using the big words (i.e. nuturing, mothering, trauma), and I'm proud I was able to catch an ouch in the moment with you today. I really want to discuss my progress with you some more. It feels good knowing that you're seeing all the hard work I'm putting into this. And I'm glad that you're present with me in session and doing your theory work outside of session. It's good to know I'm not just aimlessly wandering around! I'm proud of us, L, and the work we are doing.

Dare I allow myself to hope? I really don't know at this point. Let's see what happens on Monday.

Do you know, I actually love that you will open the gifts on Christmas Day. I'll certainly be thinking of you and now I know you will spend some time thinking of me too. What a crazy crazy relationship this was/is. Crazy! I am good, now, you know. I feel like I have come out of the washing machine of emotions I was in earlier in the year. I feel like I am hanging out to dry and just admiring the world around me. My only challenge now (apart from doing 'the work' with someone) is learning how NOT to spend so much time thinking about you. And I'm afraid that the answer might be to walk away from you. I'm not sure I'm ready, but I am at least considering the option, and feeling like it might be the best way forwards, at least for a little while. I'm not sure it's good for me that you are the first thing I think about every morning, the last thing I think about every night, and that my mind thinks of you often throughout the day too. But how... I guess time, and distance, and finding new things to focus on (though the last thing at night one, that's probably the hardest, as you have been the last thing I think about at night for the last 5 and a half years!)

Well L, I slept really well last night and didn't get up until like 7:45am! that's crazy late for me. I was awake briefly at the usual 3am-ish to use the bathroom but there was none of the laying awake after with negative thoughts in my brain stuff. I went right back to sleep. And when I woke up again it was 7:45, and I still feel good about yesterday.

I’m starting to see what you meant, re. adoption, though I secretly tried to deny it at first. As they say, the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. I really should learn to just listen, trust but verify. If it were possible to download the collected wisdom inside another person’s brain and browse it at leisure then I might have asked. But I like having someone who isn’t my mum, boss or colleague to talk to, so I’m glad we can’t do that!