Couch 251: The Matrix Recovered

He sent another email this morning because I hadn't responded to him so I felt I needed to respond. I tried not to respond from a place of hurt but I'm not sure I succeeded.

I wish I had stopdog's level of resolve.

It isn't resolve, it is just a different attachment pattern and as such is a different side of the same coin really. You are not lacking or deficient for responding in the way you are.

I wouldn't necessarily say resolve - but I do think it is a way of taking control of your own life. Being buffeted by others is something I dislike so I take measures to prevent it. Others may not be as bothered. I do believe a lot of people - women in particular-would do better to take control themselves rather than spending energy on waiting for the action or reaction of others. I also believe that people have different limits - again - one of mine is being controlled by whims of others so I take measures to keep that from happening and my life is better when I do that (I do know this from one or two experiments I did specifically to see). I am not insisting everyone's would (I think it would but I could be wrong).

I feel for you, NP Complete. When I was winding down with my therapist of 10 years last year, there was a fixed timeline concerning his departure from the group practice. I decided that I wanted to have some control over the timing of my final sessions. I didn't want to wait around for him to leave. I considered the calendar and picked the date and told him what I wanted to do and when I wanted to end. It helped me have some sense of agency and empowerment over the entire situation. It was still painful, but it helped me feel like I had some control over something.

I think NP wants things the way she wants them. Well, who doesn't? Its not a matter of when to say goodbye - its not wanting to say goodbye at all. Its as if there is no other choice for her. Its not to influence him, its about her. Thats the impression i am getting.

I'm pretty sure that's what I was doing when I stopped seeing L so abruptly almost a year ago now. I had the very strong sense that she was getting really frustrated with me and was about to give me the boot, so canceling and then a little later telling her I wasn't coming back was my way of taking control of the ending. At the time, my thoughts were along the lines of I'm doing what I need to do to protect myself - and that's what it was all about. Protecting myself by leaving on my terms, not hers.

Or, one could argue, my same old pattern of leaving before I can be left, but I prefer the above.

I agree it is not influencing other people. Influencing others was not on my mind at all. But the desire to not have something end can lead to one not taking action that would help one even where one might not want to have to deal with it at all. We all have things we don't want to end or people we don't want to say goodbye to etc. but there are actions a person can take to have some control over how the thing one does not want goes. I don't want X to happen but it is going to - what do I do to lessen the impact or take care of myself knowing that thing is going to happen. I believe in recognizing that even in being left (whether the other moves, dies, changes jobs, stops loving you, whatever) one has choices - not about stopping the other from leaving, or dying, or whatever but choices around one's self. I am not talking about knee jerk reactions to being upset - it is more that if you know the other person is planning to leave - you can also plan. If the other can't figure out a plan and keep to it - then one taking care of one's self by saying something like "I know Other you don't know exactly what you are going to do or when, but this back and forth and stringing it out is not healthy for me -so I will stop going back and forth with you because I know is not healthy for me" - not out of anger or knee jerk response

This is where I feel P has done you a great disservice. As he's drawn out his leaving for over the past two years. You've been left in a space of uncertainty rather than resolution. It's understandable that you would want more time with someone who has been such an important part of your life.

Perhaps it might help to think about what YOU need for yourself in this transition—whether that’s setting a boundary, or expressing your feelings openly. How can you honour this connection with P while still moving forward? Could processing it all with another T help?

I applied and got offered a new job at a nursery.

After the interview I did a trial in three different age rooms, all under 5. In the first I just sat down and asked them to bring me a book they wanted me to read. Bonus was that THEY couldn't read, so we just looked at the pages together, and I asked them to make animal sounds and count animals which they did. The babies were surprisingly much quieter. Just had to stop them putting the chunky felt tip markers in their mouths, instead of drawing with them. When they had lunch I had to sit at a table and help them eat. Reminding them to use a spoon and give them water. I got told that I did well. I had good feedback from the room leaders and they would give me £3 extra instead of the normal wage.

I didn't tell them about my medical degree, and told my interviewer I didn't include all of my education just my first degree and my secondary school grades. I also gave my old employer's details from the previous years.

I told them I wasn't sure where I saw myself in 5 years time, but could guarantee working for a year for them.

The kids were super cute. It honestly didn't feel like working. Travel is far but manageable.

I can do the induction,but the main thing is waiting for another enhanced DBS to be sent to them. (This is just police checks to see if you have a criminal record. Enhanced is when you're working with kids which I've had done before, you don't need this with adults). Not sure how it is in the US, but you're never in the room alone with the kids anyway.

I may go back to medicine eventually, but just not now. I know I could be earning x3 more, but I was never a big spender and I know I could easily manage on under £25k as I've been doing the minimalism thing for almost 7 years.

His first leaving, in 2020, did get drug out a long time. At least a year, but not sure how long exactly. That was disruptive to our therapy, but there were outside influences affecting the timeline back in 2020, so how all that went down was partly out of his control. He's told me he wished things had gone differently back then and I appreciate that he shared that.

This leaving has only been a few months, which is way better than springing it on me last minute.

Part of my problem is I don't really know what would be best for me. I've never been in this exact situation. It just is what it is. We'll have one more session in March.

Sometimes clarity isn’t all-or-nothing. Perhaps you won’t get a full resolution but you can focus on what’s enough for now. Maybe instead of trying to figure it out, start by noticing how you feel. Do you feel relieved? Angry? Naming those emotions might guide towards what;s best.

Would you be open to journaling or writing a letter (even if it's not sent) to process your thoughts? Just some things to consider What do you really need to say to P ? What do you also want to take away from your time together?

I feel like I've said everything I need to say to him over the course of two letters that we shared in December. What I want is to spend time with him. His presence feels comforting and familiar. I guess what I hoped for over these two months was to ease the transition to not having him to talk to and some guidance on what to do next regarding therapy. But I am very slow to get things like finding a new therapist done and two months will be gone in the blink of an eye. I have only gotten to the point of clarifying what I would say to a potential new therapist. That already took half our time.

It’s okay that finding a new therapist is slow. This isn’t a race. You’ve already made significant progress by clarifying what you want, that’s a huge step.

As you do want guidance, be explicit about that. Ask if he can suggest practical steps, create a new timeline to help you feel less stuck.

Maybe it could be helpful to intentionally split your remaining session time, some for processing emotions and saying goodbye, some for practical discussions about next steps. You could also revisit those letters, reflecting on how far you've come.

You’ve been stronger than you think this whole time. Therapists can guide and support, but the real work is done by the client. Sometimes people forget that. It’s easy to give the therapist credit because they’re there during those pivotal moments, but the strength, resilience, and insight come from within. You can and you will get through this.