Couch 251: The Matrix Recovered

a fellow middle-aged (i will be 44, that counts, right?) aquarian on tuesday. i never liked my birthday, but this year is already horrendous, and it isn’t even here yet.

I wouldnt say tenuous in that way exactly. Grasping, ingenuous? IDK either. To me, tenuous implies a hold already being held, however insecurely. This hold is more anticipated. Obviously i am putting off housecleaning.

I would characterize tenuous as like your fingers are digging into a cliff edge and about to slip off. Not really a hold.

And Lost, I think it’s fine. The worst they can do is reject you.

Of course I went looking for that and found this thriller with the same title instead:

Amazon.com

Which would have been better—I am now reading a sample from the correct one. Quite awful doesn’t begin to cover it.

ChatGPT is getting better. I asked it to write a poem about therapy in the style of Emily Dickinson. Might even be having a joke with the dashes.

"The Quiet Room"

A chair — awaits — my weary thought —
The silence — soft — but not too fraught —
A presence — still — and yet unseen —
That listens — where the heart has been.

The door — ajar — the air — is clear,
A space where all my Doubts appear —
But I — am safe — to speak the Name
Of sorrow — and no one is to blame.

The words — they come — and sometimes fall
Like raindrops — heavy, soft — but all
The while — the mind begins to rest —
A whispered balm — a gentle test.

And though the day might end too soon,
The thoughts will drift — like flowers' bloom,
For in this room — the weight is light,
And darkness melts — to tender light.

The self — not healed — but understood —
The fractures — seem a little good.
For in the quiet — I remain,
And talk — to lift the silent pain.

The dashes made me laugh even though I tend to use them a lot in informal situations

Happy early birthday, though I'm right there with you, on not liking my birthday (I used to) and the whole year being horrendous so far thing. Spent 50 minutes of my birthday crying in Dr. T's office about that (and stuff going on with D). He didn't have much for me aside from being right there with me, as he feels similarly.--well, about parts of it. So, empathy, I guess, which he also gave for the stuff with D.

I'm seeing R today for the first time since August while Dr. T is away in an undisclosed location (though from what he said, I'm pretty sure he was flying there, which of course makes me anxious because of last week). Then meeting a friend I haven't seen for a few months for lunch. I feel like I'm in such a negative headspace right now that I almost want to cancel the lunch. But she has a rare day off, and this is to celebrate our birthdays that are a few days apart (yet another Aquarian!), so I don't want to cancel.

I just feel like I don't want to be all negative--like, why would she want to hang out with me again? Maybe I'll just spend most of it catching up on what's going on with her. Though we've been friends since we worked together about 15 years ago--and we both can have a negative, dark side. And talk about real stuff going on in our lives, positive or negative. I don't think she expects me to be all smiles and rainbows (if she does, she's friends with the wrong person!) So, OK, hopefully we can still have a nice enough time hanging out.

And there was a brief snippet of my trying to apply what I've learned in therapy to myself, to talk to myself as Dr. T would. I think it worked?

Thats what i said, "however insecurely." I felt lost's usage referred to the act of submitting, which is not completed, hence the hold is future ie non-existent, not just insecure. The coyote must already be on the cliff and dangling precipitously.

Of course, im not the published writer - im just the dastardly critic!

ChatGPT’s attempt at a poem on therapy in the style of Dorothy Parker was also funny—and very SD:

Therapy’s nice, or so they claim,
A couch, a nod, the same old game.
I spill my woes, they hum, they stare—
And bill me for the extra care.

Thats uncanny!

Speaking of poetry, my first published work of 2025 is now officially out in the world!

congrats! that's exciting!

I'm still waiting for my copy of the new anthology I have poems in. It's supposed to get here today, I can't wait to hold it in my hands!

i asked AI to write a limerick about therapy and it gave me this:

There once was a soul feeling blue,
Who found solace in talking things through.
With a therapist's care,
They learned how to repair,
And their heart felt as light as the dew.

Had my (maybe?) penultimate video session with P this morning. It was so good to see and talk to him. It still feels so comfortable and not awkward at all. He said that even if we met a year later it would be just like if we met yesterday because of the depth of the relationship we've built with each other. We meet next on March 3rd. I asked him if that was the last one because I wanted to clarify. I tend to get so upset when people think I'm asking them for something. He treated this like I was requesting to meet again after March. He asked if March was our last meeting was that was ok and I replied "yes, well no, but yes if that makes sense". He said it doesn't have to be our last time. I told him that I know he wants to put his old life in the rear view mirror, but he said that wasn't it, he just wanted to provide some closure to our ending. He said he'd think about it. He asked if I would want to meet more. I told him that was a stupid question, of course I would. I wasn't even asking for more! I just wanted to clarify so I can go into it aware. I really enjoy talking to him though, so I would like more.

Artie that limerick is so you!

Congrats, Lost!

NP, that sounds difficult. I definitely understand wanting the option for more sessions. With his saying he'll "think about it," will he at least let you know before the one on March 3? It would be good if you could make the decision together, rather than it being up to him. Possibly to leave it more open-ended, if you think you'd want that.

He already thought about it lol. He's offered to meet once a month until June. But the way he phrased the email, I don't think I will take him up on it. He seems to only be offering because it wasn't 100% clear to me. Talking about the three pre-arranged sessions - "I was thinking about it as a way of providing a more gradual transition towards what I think I have been clear about, which is that our work together is coming to an end with my move." Feels kind of cold phrased that way. He's ready to be done with all his clients. I'm not going to hold him hostage.

I'm sorry, NP.

Regardless of how he intended it to come across, that sounds slimy.

'What I think I have been clear about...'

He's dragged it out to hell, and now wants to drag it out further?

You're not holding him hostage, rather he's playing with your expectations...and ought to know better.

I think they need to get a definite "this is my choice: to end" from us. At my last session, which was impromptu, if anything after 15 years can be that, my t made a point of asking me multiple times if stopping was what i wanted to do.

Given what youve written here in the past, i can see why he would be reluctant to stop. Saying that you like talking to him sounds simple, almost trivial, but it is not. I was SO DONE talking to my t, which surprises me now to acknowledge that. Not mad, just DONE.

I would really advise you to find another t. I clung to my penultimate t and never got what i needed. My last t delivered. Leap and the net will appear.

Is someone willing to read the whole email and tell me if I'm being too sensitive?

I don't know how to respond. Either just an "I don't want to extend the ending" or explaining that the way he said this felt kind of hurtful and that now I don't know if we should end after yesterday's session except that I don't want our last communication being something that's left a bad taste in my mouth.

I bet on some level he's glad he doesn't have to deal with me anymore.

I could read it, NP.

And I doubt it's that he doesn't want to deal with you anymore. Maybe he's concerned that continuing to see him would sort of draw out the pain? And/or keep you from finding a new therapist who can provide more regular support?

If it was me, I wouldn't leave it in his hands – I would take control of it and tell him goodbye and not contact him again. But I like feeling like I have autonomy over myself and I hate having to wait to see what I do based on what someone else does. I would simply end it and go away. If I thought it would make me feel better, I would write a letter telling them their list of mistakes, but it doesn't sound like that that would make you feel better and I would send it by hard mail not email