Couch 252: Kitties and Hawks

I didn't get the charity job I wanted. Cried when I got the email today. I'm also emailed the NHS contact if there were any updates on my application. I last emailed them on the 18th of July. I just want to start working already, and I was feeling very frustrated. To go back into medicine I need to do more exams, and mentally I don't feel ready for that. Starting to feel rather useless.

I did get an early email back asking a few more questions, after applying for a recent position, so hopefully that looks promising. A 1h and 3 min commute compared to the other 1h and 30-45 mins I was doing before 5 days a week.

I did also say yes when the ophthalmologist asked me to marry him almost three weeks ago. He already lives 2h away from me and has 3 years of training left. He said it was his dream to work in London, but won't be able to move until he's finished with everything.

Lost the reason I think you're having trouble with the new piece being out is because it's linked to Steve's death. The joy has the undercurrent of grief tangled up in it. How could his passing ever link to something seen as good ?

How are you doing NP?

It's understandable that it would still feel difficult even though time has passed. Trauma doesn’t respect the calendar. Perhaps you needed her to hear it so that she could better see the intensity of what you went through at that moment?

I'm glad you're seeing someone new. Even if your new therapist is kind and capable, she hasn’t walked that road with you the way P did. It’s okay that it doesn’t feel the same.

Thanks Cake,

It really could be that simple.
I tried to practice talking about the essay to a few people today, and each time it was a struggle.

It makes sense that it still makes me angry.

I contacted the head of the charity and asked for an amendment to the introduction - 'person with a disability', versus 'disabled person'.
She responded straight away and said that she'd amended the blog and the social media post...

I can only see the amended social media post.
This is an odd way to learn about how I describe myself.

Somehow I have to cream all this into one more face to face session tomorrow, before we move online for August.

One step at a time.
One step at a time...

If you're struggling to talk about it with others, perhaps you're just not ready? I would try not to force it.

Are you seeing R online weekly for the entire of august? Does she restart in person in September?

The amendment makes sense- with the first it's like the disability is everything about you. With the second version it becomes a part of you instead.

I have been telling myself the "one step at a time thing too" over the past few days. Life can be overwhelming but all we can do is literally focus on one moment at a time.

Thanks Cake,

It's a balancing act.
I've put the piece out there, so I kind of need to be ready to have the conversation.

We resume in person on the 4th of September, thankfully.

I'm glad the amendment makes sense.

It's showing in the preview of the post, but not on the blog page itself...weird.

Lost,
I wonder if you can separate the story from the act of publishing. The parts about Steve are worth grieving not celebrating. But your strength to publish your story is something to be proud of. Maybe you’ll never celebrate, but can you find any pride in yourself? Any other good feelings? Like maybe being known and heard?

I’m sorry you only have one session left until September. Holidays and vacations can be so hard especially when we need our support people. It’s not like our struggles go on vacation when they leave. I hope you have extra support for August.

Thanks Scarlet,

It's hard to reach the grief underneath everything else.

I'm grateful that the piece exists, and that it's having an impact.
It's a difficult story to tell, even in the smallest increments.

R is moving to virtual for August, so we'll still meet in a sense, but the quality of the conversation will be different.

I don't have it in me this time to change the topic.

Luckily, I still have the helpline and RC is not going anywhere, as far as I know.

I'm sorry about the charity job. I hope the recent one you applied for or the NHS job work out for you!

So wait, are you saying you're engaged? Congrats!!!

Yep. Thank you LT.

I picked out a £17.99 ring from Amazon. I wanted a mood ring originally, but read they didn't tend to last very long. Having an expensive ring didn't mean much to me. We still didn't have a wedding date set yet.

I did get another job offer today, so I was thankful even if it wasn't exactly what I wanted. It would provide me with some financial stability, which I could use to springboard onto something else in 18 months time.

Congratulations, Cake!

I'm glad you got another job offer.

I hope you can settle into it soon.

Take care,

Lost

After asking a few other questions, the job is conditional on paying them £2000+ for a course I need to work. I didn’t clearly take them up on their offer.

Thank you for the first bit Lost!

Ugh, that sucks, I'm sorry... That seems sketchy. I hope something else pans out for you.

So, Dr. T seems open to me doing some more regular EMDR with R (vs. just if he's out of town), like I said maybe every other week or something like that. I'll have to see what works with her schedule and the process (not sure if EMDR is supposed to be every week, for example).

He seemed less sure about my possibly doing some Internal Family Systems with her some of those times (she did some of that with me Thursday). At first, he said he wanted to talk to her about it, then said maybe all three of us could have a conversation about it (I confirmed that he wouldn't charge for that--would be 10-15 minutes over phone or Zoom, I think). I'd feel much better if all of us talked.

Hi LT,

I'm glad Dr. T is on less of a war footing when it comes to you seeking additional support.
That's not helpful in the slightest.
I'm curious about his hesitancy over IFS, though.

Have you felt some benefit from the initial EMDR?

(Probably a stupid question, considering that you're about to do it again.)

Lost

Yikes, Cake.

That seems an unusual way to go about recruitment.
Hope something else emerges for you soon.

Take care,

Lost

How have you found the EDMR so far?

Some can do EDMR weekly, but it can also be spaced depending on the client,, as it can bring up a lot.

Perhaps his hesitation is around her providing therapy too (the EDMR was okay because it was something he could not provide) rather than there being something wrong with the IFS model?

Part work had similarities to classical Jungian ideas. It could be helpful.

From their very first contact, even my sister said they seemed too nice.

A job offer disguised as a sales pitch.

I sure am learning patience.

LT,
I’ve heard a lot of therapists will allow EMDR and traditional talk therapy with different therapists. I think L explained it that EMDR is focused on specific traumas whereas talk therapy includes everything. And IFS is still talk therapy so you might get two opposing thoughts if you work with two different therapists. That’s my understanding at least.

Many people have suggested I try EMDR. Even L was okay with me doing it. My problem is that I couldn’t find anyone in my area.

L does a lot of IFS with me. I find it very helpful and extremely difficult at the same time. Part of my problem is the memory aspect, trying to remember which parts of me are present, what they are good at, what they need. But I almost always feel better after we do parts work. I think, for me at least, I best describe it as learning about yourself from a deeper level. Things just make sense when you understand your different parts. I think it has also helped me have more compassion for myself. L always tells me my parts aren’t bad, they’re just trying to protect me. Like my SI part. It’s actually not a bad part. When it comes online, it’s trying to protect something. We don’t want it to act out, but we also don’t want it to go away. So we invite it in, listen to it, and try to fulfill its needs. And it helps! It makes that part not be so loud because it doesn’t need to be because we’re listening to it.

It can be weird and hard, but I really do recommend IFS to anyone interested.

I've only done it once with her so far (well, I guess there was a more informal time a few years ago). It seemed to really affect me, like felt different sensations in my body, plus my brain seemed really activated that night, like I had lots of trouble sleeping (felt wired). So it seemed like ti was doing something. But I'm not sure if weekly would be too much, or maybe my body would get used to it?

And yes, I think Dr. T's objection is that IFS would be some other form of therapy. But he also doesn't seem to understand it, like he seems to relabel if I talk about a younger part of me (like calling it the emotional part). But I seem to connect with how R talks about it. So I just wonder if it's a case where we would need to be really specific in what we worked on?

For example, I mentioned to him today that I rarely talk about H or D with R--only if there's something really pressing at a time when he's away, and I'm actually struggling to think of a time when that happened and I talked to her about it. Once with a different backup T. I don't talk about work with R either.

So like maybe if it was confined to talking about certain topics? I don't know. I guess I'm thinking that if there's a day when I have her scheduled and it doesn't feel right for EMDR, for example, if we could just talk about something using the IFS modality. Or if something comes up one week in an EMDR session, could we talk about it in more of a general therapy sense in another session? Or would I need to save that for Dr. T?

Honestly, I sort of wish I could just work with R for a few months, then go back to him potentially, but I'm unsure if that's an option. He said today (and has said before) that he's had clients stop seeing him for a few months to do a different modality, then either come back or not. I'm unsure if he'd be willing to do that with me and R or not. So this seems like a compromise. Plus, I'd rather do EMDR with her vs. some other person because I already feel safe with her. And would need to establish that with another T first if I were to work with them on it.

LT if you want to take a break from seeing him for a short while and see R, you are within your right to do so. It’s about YOU and what works best for you.

It makes perfect sense to work with someone you already know. Safety is the key.

EMDR often stirs up more than we expect, especially early on. And you're absolutely right to wonder whether weekly might feel like too much. You need a rhythm that feels the most sustainable. You're tuning into your body’s response really well .

IFS can be woven into existing work, especially when it helps you connect with and care for younger parts of yourself.

It makes sense to possibly clarify identifying which topics feel safe and appropriate for R, and which are more aligned with Dr. T.

Thanks, Lemon. Dr. T is just a bit weird about my seeing R for regular therapy. Like I think he'd be fine if I left for a bit and saw someone else that is not her, then could come back to see him if I wanted. But he seems almost possessive of her in a way (she rents space from him, but is not employed by him). He's fine with the EMDR because it's a different thing that he doesn't do.