Couch 252: Kitties and Hawks

It's so strange to finally become the relatively stable person.

He messaged me at 9.am to tell me that he wanted to break up, because he emotionally exposed himself and told me everything.

I told him I wasn't accepting it.

It's wild to watch the same push pull dynamic that I used to have play out.

Minus the grief aspect. i felt stable and steady as a rock. I can hear F saying to me "Deep breaths, shoulders back and head up".

Volunteering went well. I was there for four hours. The last 50 mins did drag a little bit, but I had fun. The team was very nice. Work wise I've accepted a NHS non clinical role, but it's for bank shifts, which means I can work as much as I want, but at the same time I didn't have a fixed contract. The onboarding process has been incredibly slow. It's not uncommon for it to usually take 3 months. With appointments with occupational health, ID appointments, DBS checks and reference checking. Mine so far has taken 4 months and is still incomplete. They have a paid position at the charity branch I volunteered at today, and I want to give it a go and apply as I've got nothing to lose by doing so. It's weird because the old me would have talked myself out of even applying. The deadline is in 13 days and I've done the first half just have to write answers to the four extra questions.

"Do I have the courage to go there?"

The answer is already in everything you've written. Courage is sometimes just turning up to a museum art group, It's all the small steps, not just the large ones. Look how far you've already come.

You're already doing the work and that counts.

Dr. T with the soundbites today:

"No one goes through life unscathed." In the sense that everyone deals with some sort of struggle. Even if they might appear to have some sort of perfect life from the outside (from my noticing seemingly happy families playing with their kids on the beach).

And: "Tears are like soap for the soul. They help clean you out."

Ooh, I like that second one.

Makes me feel better about crying when I listened to a podcast earlier.

Did someone get him a motivational-quote-a-day calendar or something? Geez.

I did have to wonder. Especially as he said something like, "I always say that tears are like soap for the soul." And I was thinking, "I don't recall you ever saying that over the past 7 years."

It's the anniversary of the day my ex set our house on fire. Even after eight years it still feels difficult. I just told my new therapist the events of that night and we listened to my 911 call. Don't know why I needed her to hear it, but it felt important.

I'm wondering if it feels harder this year because P is gone. I still really miss him. Also he was there when all this stuff happened. I've realized that I don't think I would reach out to my new therapist for support because I'm not sure what she could do that would help. When I reached out to P for support, it felt supportive to hear back from him, like there was someone there for me and it felt good. While I'm sure new T would be there, it doesn't feel the same.

I'm so sorry, NP.

It's more than understanding the events, for sure.
There's little depth of relationship between you and New T.

Hope you can be gentle with yourself over the next few days.

Take care,

Lost

Hi Couch,

I hope today is being kind to you.
An article I worked on for two weeks has now been published, and it feels good but tender.

It's the most I've ever said about the impact of Steve's death outside my poetry...

Hard to explain how that lands within me.

Thanks for bearing witness,

Lost

I have just learned there’s a Scots title, Moncreiffe of that Ilk.

If their family were therapists, stopdog would call them “their ilk of That Ilk.” 🤣

There are no elk in Scotland, so no confusion there.

Ah, but there were elk in Scotland at one point. Extinct now, no doubt due to the Moncreiffes of That Ilk.

They couldn’t take the homophonic competition.

Meant to comment on this before. Hope you got through the day OK.

It makes sense that you wouldn't feel the same level of support from this new T that you would have from P. But maybe in time, you'll be able to feel some support from her, even though it's not the same.

I know they imprisoned Oscar Wilde, but isnt that stuff legal now in the UK? Or is Scotland not in the UK? Or GB? You would think the USA would take a page out of their books - the Divided States of America.

Homophonic means similar-sounding…

And the elk went extinct around AD 900.

Did you forget its me?

I’m your straight man, remember, Gracie?

Dr. T's backup, R, did a bit of EMDR with me today. The kind with buzzers you hold. I think it helped--childhood thing that I think is one of the root fears of Dr. T being away in an undisclosed location with no contact. I feel calmer, though that not sure if that's R, the EMDR, or a mix of both.

"Is it R or the EMDR?" sounds like the first line of a poem. Or a self-help book.

And I think it unlocked something in my brain that let me see comparison between my relationship with Dr. T and with my mother. Of course, that was after session, but I can discuss it with R later. I also feel really tired, both physically and mentally, but googling suggests that EMDR can do that.

Sending hugs, LT.
Sounds like a difficult but valuable session.

Hope you can be gentle with yourself for the rest of today.

Thanks, Lost. I ended up having lots of trouble sleeping last night--maybe it activated my brain too much? If I try it again, maybe I'll take a sleep aid before bed that night.

That would make sense.

I think you have a good plan.
My article was released on social media yesterday, and this does not feel like any other publication experience I've had.

I haven't found the celebration yet.
I'm mostly still mad that this is even a thing.

Hope today is being kinder to you.

Take care!

Hugs to you, Lost. Would it help to not think you should be celebrating its release?

Thanks for the kind words.

Take care of yourself, too!

Thanks for the hugs, LT.

Part of me has no idea what I am feeling.
Celebrating new work out in the world is a default, so that seems to be the fallback position.

It's been well received in my SL forum, but...still feels quite different.

Lost

I've also heard that EMDR is exhausting.

Hope you managed to just rest afterwards .