Couch 252: Kitties and Hawks

Thanks, Scarlet. So I assume L doesn't do EMDR then?

And yes, I also appreciate the acknowledgment of my younger self. That's an interesitng idea about the childhood pictures. I did show some to Dr. T (and ex-T) at one point, though he seemed puzzled as to why I wanted to share them (I found it helpful and connecting though). I'll ask R about it.

Yeah, L doesn’t do EMDR.

I understand “getting permission” from a therapist to see another therapist. Many therapist, mainly talk therapy, don’t want you to see two talk therapists at the same time. I think it’s mainly so the hard emotional and mental work you’re doing with one doesn’t confuse you with the work of the other therapist. Overlapping ideas, opinions, teachings could be conflicting. Who do you trust then?

But EMDR isn’t traditional talk therapy and focuses on specific traumas (from what I understand). So it doesn’t conflict with talk therapy.

Technically, you can do whatever you want. But if therapists have rules, then you have to accept the consequences if you break them.

I’m just explaining the “permission” aspect and understanding why that rule is sometimes there. L has that rule. Another talk therapist = no. An EMDR therapist = okay.

Argh! Our car, only 5 months old and 5k miles, was in the shop for 8 days. A warning would pop up when we opened the car door and said high voltage system starting. They said they figured it out, that it was the hydraulic brake system. So we drove it home today. We decided to run some errands tonight and as soon as we open the door, the warning comes up again! So I guess it’s going back to the shop. You know what’s really sad? This is a Tesla and Tesla has no clue what that warning means. They said they’ve never seen it before… How is it a warning and there’s no documentation anywhere for what it means???

Ugh, that's frustrating. And ridiculous that even Tesla doesn't know what it means! I assume there's nothing in the manual? And have you tried googling that warning? Or asking on a Tesla subreddit?

And we've been having a similar experience, but with a mystery noise. H's Prius (which is 2015 with more than 100,000 miles, not not new like yours!) has been making a high-pitched noise periodically. The dealer thought it was that a brake pad was misaligned. We'd just replaced the brakes through them, so they fixed it for free. But now it's still making the noise. H has googled it and put recordings of it on the Toyota subreddit to get ideas.

I said maybe we need to try a different dealer or mechanic--especially if it was actually the brakes and they didn't manage to fix it correctly. But I doubt you have many options, as Teslas are more unique cars and there probably aren't other dealers near you. Hope they can get it figured out!

Tesla still thinks it’s the hydraulic brake system, so they’re going to try to replace it again.

And H was fired yesterday. We knew it was coming. His job is being nice and paying him 2 more paychecks and then a little bit for the two months after. His last day is Sept 15. Good news, H was already in talks with another business. Problem is they are brand new. Like no clients. And they haven’t told H how much they will pay him. But if all works out, he’ll start that job on the 15th. I’m not too scared right now. We are okay. And we have some savings. But the unknown is scary for us. But we’re not panicking like in January when I had to go to the hospital.

So sorry he was fired. Hope the new possible job works out!

So, I had an abnormal finding on my screening mammogram and had to go in for a diagnostic one and ultrasound yesterday. Unfortunately, there was an area they're still concerned about, so I have to get a biopsy. I was able to schedule it for next Tuesday (9/2). I'm scared.... My H, mom, mother-in-law, and Dr. T are all being very supportive. I'm debating on whether to use a sedative, which would involve my MIL transporting me (my mom is out of town and H will have to be getting D from school at the time). If anyone here has had a biopsy, could you maybe PM me on what it was like? thanks...

Will definitely be thinking of you, LT. I really hope the procedure goes painlessly and that the results turn out okay!

Thanks, Scarlet!

I've never had a biopsy done, but I think I'd go for the sedation. This sounds stressful and scary. I hope everything goes well. Keep us updated.

Thanks, NP. Yeah, I think I'll go with sedation, after reading a particularly brutal account of it on reddit! And also how lidocaine doesn't work well for some (which I think is the numbing agent I'll get). And that you can hear the needle going in and out.

I haven't had a biopsy, but I've seen it being done.

I think it would help to take a sedative if you're very anxious. It's perfectly okay to lean on family during tough times for extra support.

Thanks, Lemon! I have a message in to my doctor if it's something she needs to prescribe (unsure if she'd give me a prescription for a single dose of a benzo vs. doing something in an IV). If I don't hear back from her today, will call her office tomorrow. I also was able to move my Dr. T session a bit earlier Tuesday to give enough time if I have to take a sedate pre-test (from what I understand, I would need to get there and sign consent forms before I take anything, so that I wouldn't be signing them under the influence).

I'm sorry to hear that, LT.

Wishing you all the very best for Tuesday.

Thanks, Lost!

Saw Dr. T today before he leaves on another trip. He was commenting on how negatively I tend to think about things (not in a critical way, just observational). I said positive thinking doesn't really work for me (partly due to the magical thinking aspect of OCD). He said, "I'm not saying to think positively, but to think realistically." I wrote it down and may use that as sort of a mantra the next week or so "think realistically".

One of the ways I cope with things is doing research, which helps in some cases (like getting the best resources for D). He pointed out right now, I'm at step B, so I don't have enough information to figure out what the next steps would be. Which leads me to research all these scenarios that my not apply. So then when I'd say stuff, he'd say "that's step G. You may not even get there." I usually don't find CBT-type stuff helpful, but I may need to try using those sorts of things to get through the waiting period.

I'll also see him the morning of the biopsy (that's not till the afternoon), plus R tomorrow--I already had her on the schedule because Dr. T thought he'd be leaving Tuesday for the trip, but then it changed. (I wouldn't have added this other session with him had it not been for the biopsy thing.)

I had a similar short conversation with L. I found a grievance journal (opposite of an appreciation journal). I really liked it, so shared it with L. Pdoc has tried to push an appreciation journal several times. I actually did buy one, but only used it like 3 times. I just don’t find it helpful. I do have a lot of appreciation in my life that I acknowledge, but writing it down doesn’t help more. I like the grievance journal because it keeps it real. I hate when people try to paint the world with rainbows and unicorns. It’s just as unhealthy as constantly focusing on the negatives. It almost delusional by ignoring real pain and problems in life. And I think there’s a difference between optimism and hope, but that’s something else. I feel like a lot of therapy is bringing the bad in, examining it, and figuring out how to move forward with it. It’s a lot like researching just instead of using a tool like internet searches, you’re using your therapist’s knowledge and experience.

I tend to also be pessimistic. But I say I’m pessimistic to be optimistic. Like if I’m prepared for the bad, the scenario is actually more likely to be better than what I predicted, so it turns into a positive. And if not, I’m more prepared for the negative. The opposite: you always think things will turn out good, but sadly the world doesn’t work like that and you’re going to be disappointed a lot. However, I do agree with Dr. T. Realistic is the best way to go. Kind of like “wise mind” or “middle path”.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I tried something similar, a gratitude journal, a few years ago at Dr. T's suggestion. It ended up just making me feel guilty for not appreciating things I have, so it kind of backfired. Like, "I have enough money to buy food," then feeling guilty that I didn't appreciate that more.

Helps to know that something similar didn't work for you either! I'm curious about the grievance journal--was it one you found online that was specifically labeled that, or did you just use a regular journal and make it that?

One thing I did for a bit that did help me was listing something good I did that day, even if it was really minor like "ate a piece of fruit" (despite being a vegetarian, I'm not the best at eating fruits in particular).

I'm similar with pessimism, like if I assume everything will turn out well every time, then of course I'm going to be disappointed frequently because that's not how life is for most people. But yes, what I've read about "wise mind" seemed similar to what he was suggesting.

Oh, something interesting today: I mentioned how I'd taken a nap the other day, woke up to my phone alarm I'd set for 3 pm and was thinking "Why did I set my alarm for 3 am? Also, why is it light out now? Oh, I took a nap." (This is why I tend to avoid naps--they leave me disoriented.)

Dr. T said the voice I used for my thoughts to myself was the same as what I use when I'm sharing something that D said. Which is interesting, like maybe my internal voice is like my inner child?

Here’s the grievance journal I found advertised on fb: Venting Has Never Been More Fun - Boredwalk

I haven’t bought it, but it does look interesting. Still debating if I’d actually use it.

For a routine and non complex case you won't usually get an IV. You're correct in that you can be given something oral + / - local anesthesia for the area.

Wishing you some peace over the weekend.

Thanks for sharing that! I have the same issue regarding whether I'll actually use something.

Thanks, Lemon! I've messaged two of my doctors (gyno and general practitioner) and will call if I haven't heard back in the morning about a prescription. I'm just concerned because Monday is a major holiday here (Labor Day), so if I can't get the prescription in tomorrow, I'm not sure I'll be able to. I was also reading about a study where it helped people to listen to music or a meditation during--wondering if they'd let me do that?
Just worried about the noise it's supposed to make, and if I'm listening to something else, maybe I can ignore it. Or I could just do my best to dissociate...

They will use lidocaine on the area, from what I've read, an injection, to numb it.

I've been really unhappy at work for a while now. We had layoffs in June where half of my team was laid off which has obviously impacted my work. I won't get into the boring specifics, but I'm also concerned that when they finally get around to replacing the kind of old and outdated application I work on, the rest of us are going to be tossed out like old trash.

I found out yesterday that starting in January I can no longer work from home except on Fridays. I've been WFH since March 2020. I feel like having to suddenly spend 8 hours a day around a bunch of noisy people is going to cause some anxiety issues for me. Another concern is that I have pretty bad arthritis in both my knees which makes getting around difficult for me and I'm concerned that I'm going to have to walk long (for me) distances because of the parking situation and/or where my desk will be located in whatever building we end up in. I'm thinking I may have to try to get a disabled parking permit and I don't want to do that. I don't feel like I deserve one and I don't want people judging me because I have a significant weight issue and my knee issues are all my fault.

I'm scared to look for another job because I still have depression issues and I'm afraid I won't be able to perform well in interviews. Also the job market is kind of **** right now.

I feel like giving up right now. I'm too embarrassed to tell my therapist that all these issues are causing SI for me right now. Everybody goes through stuff and I feel like I have to suck it up and deal with it like the rest of the world does, not want to just give up.

Hugs, NP. I'm sorry you're struggling with all this. I think it's natural to have those sorts of thoughts. I would consider seeing about accommodations though--I wonder if it would be possible for them to give you an accommodation of working from home still or at least more often? Or at least a desk closer to an entrance. You do still deserve the support, no matter the reason (and I doubt it's completely due to weight anyway). Though I understand the fear of judgment.

I would try to talk to your therapist about it. I imagine she'd be understanding and supportive. And yeah this does seem like a challenging time to look for a job, though maybe you could look around at what's out there just to see.