L’s Maternity Leave

Sending hugs if wanted, Scarlet.

It pains me to read that your H wasn't able to support you in a time of need.

I hope you are able to find competent professional support to deal with all this.

I'm really sorry your H didn't have time for you last night. And that you're struggling so much. Sending support. Keep posting here, if it helps.

I’ve been away, but just read this thread and want to send you lots of support ❤️ I always admire the honesty in your posts. I am sorry you are struggling

She is keeping to her word that she will still be there for me throughout this leave.

That sounds very loving and supportive, Scarlet! I'm glad she's continuing to be there for you.

Had my second session with T. Still awkward. We almost ended at 35mins because there’s just nothing to talk about. Her ways of helping are so direct and to the point. There’s not much room for processing. L talked a LOT. She was also more freer to explore things than T is. I know T is trying, but this just doesn’t help me much. Maybe the way she is is good enough? That at least I have a trusted professional to help me especially in a crisis.

(ScarletPimpernel) I've been reading through your posts. You remind me so much of my daughter. She has bipolar, too. I worry when I haven't heard from her in a few days because it may mean she's having a manic depressive episode and is possibly suicidal. I think she always needs to have me or some other supportive person available to help her. Her boyfriend is there for her, too. Do you have a mother or husband who can help you, in addition to your therapist? It sounds like they're going to stop paying for your therapists L and T. It's probably true that you don't need therapy, you just need someone who can help you with a crisis. It's pretty unfair if they only offer therapy, and if you don't need that they want to drop you as though you don't need anything..

87 days left. It’s only been a week and a half. But I think that one reason I’m still here is because she is still here, she hasn’t cut me off.

Hi Zena.
I’m glad your daughter has you. It must be difficult. I know L, T, and pdoc worry about me and my SI. I don’t mean to make anyone worry.

I actually don’t have bipolar. I suffer from BPD. I don’t get manic episodes. Quite the opposite. When I went to see the neurologist last week, she said that one of the symptoms I have is that I talk softly. My Pdoc said that my calmness is just normal for me. She doesn’t believe it’s a symptom. I do have depressive episodes. But most of the time it’s triggered by life events or such. I also suffer from SI. That, again, normal for me. Every day.

My supports are my husband, my mom, sort of my stepdad, sort of a family friend, my pdoc and people here. My husband has greatly improved, but sometimes his anxiety still get the best of him. But he is the second person besides L that knows me the most. My mom is a support, but I only tell her general things. I can’t emotionally depend on her because she did make me homeless at 18 because of my mental health. My stepdad and family friend are great to hang out with, but I don’t talk to them at all about my internal struggles.

I don’t think my insurance is going to stop paying for L. I guess at any point they could stop. I will just fight them too for L. And I’m not sure what’s going on with my current case. T made a good point: the insurance is going to pay T the same amount as L, so why can’t they just transfer the agreement? Last I heard from my case’s analyst, she was going to confront them about them choosing a referral who doesn’t even accept my insurance.

Exactly. I really don’t think I need T except in a crisis. We’re not deeply processing. And the self care plan I could do on my own (that’s what we have been doing and it takes up a good 15-20mins). But I don’t need to learn coping skills. I need help processing. I need a safe place to cry. And right now, I don’t feel like I can trust T to hold all my emotions. I guess she can because she did it in the past for 4 years. I got attached to her for some reason, but now it’s like I don’t know her or trust her. Least not enough to get emotional with. Practical things, she is good at.

I'm so glad your insurance is going to pay for L. Sorry, but I don't know what you mean by "SI" and "BPD".

Yeah, my daughter's life has been pretty difficult. For a long time, she couldn't get the medication she needed because they wouldn't give it to her unless she told them she was suicidal. If she told them that, they would commit her and lock her up for "observation" for several days, which terrified her. Plus, it was way too expensive for her to buy the Depakote. So she's been self-medicating with tons of caffeine and vapes. But last month, she finally got on Depakote. They're finally going to let her have Depakote without it costing her a fortune or her having to be put on suicide observation every time she wants a refill. Now, I'm just concerned the Depakote may have harmful side effects. She says she's fine right now, but I don't know what happens in the long term.

Oh! BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder. And SI is suicidal ideation.

I’m glad your daughter was able to get on her meds. I remember when I wasn’t on meds, I barely could function. Now I’m on too many meds and I’m getting a lot of side effects that keep getting worse. I’m a little excited about Tuesday. I have an appointment at a clinic that does Spravato and TMS. I don’t know which to choose from, so I’m hoping they’ll help me figure it out.

I had to find out what borderline was. Borderline is different from bipolar because it's a personality disorder, whereas bipolar is a brainchemical imbalance, a physical problem with the brain that isn't going to go away no matter how much CBT they get. My understanding of personality disorders is that they are caused by trauma, usually early childhood abuse. It causes the person to have distressing emotional states that they don't know how to control. It's all psychological. There's not anything physically wrong with the brain. So it seems to me like it could be cured without medication, if you could just uncover the memories of what actually happened to you that first started you having all these distressed feelings.

According to my therapists and psychiatrists and things I’ve read, any type of trauma affects your brain. It literally does damage. Plus, other disorders can also present. For example, I suffer from depression and anxiety. Those other disorders is one reason why I need to be on meds. It also helps my suicidal ideation. About 6 years ago, I was trying to get pregnant so I got off most my meds. That was a horrible time not being on my meds.

I completely agree about processing the traumas I had growing up. L and I were supposed to be doing my timeline of events, but then she got pregnant the first time and all it’s been is rupture after rupture. And because she got pregnant this time, we still haven’t repaired any of the ruptures. It’s been all about her for a long time now.

There is no cure for borderline. You hope that you can learn to manage your symptoms, but it will still be there. My sister also has borderline, but she doesn’t seek treatment. I’ve been in and out of treatment since 13. If it was as simple as talking things out, I wouldn’t be struggling so much. I still have major episodes with borderline. They especially flare up with L.

83 more days.

Hugs, Scarlet. You can do this.

Thanks LT. I need all the encouragement I can get. I just try to remind myself that it won’t be forever, and it’s helpful to have communication with L.

I’ve been doing some drawing art. It distracts me so well. The only thing is that my tremors make it hard to draw.

And some good news: it looks like I might be getting the other treatment. The coordinator said that they already looked up my insurance and also that they don’t think I have something that would hinder me for it. I see the pdoc on March 31st. The only concern they had was me wanting to try to get pregnant one last time. I don’t think I mentioned it, but the pdoc running these things is the cold and mean pdoc who I didn’t make it past the assessment. L was there, too. I asked if there are other pdocs. Nope. I’m stuck with her. I’d go to a different doctor, but I need to stay in my own town. H will be dropping me off while I doing the treatment and pick me back up because I’m not allowed to drive myself home.

Oh! L will tell me the baby’s name and such tonight.

She sent me a picture as well as the name and size of the baby. I have so many mixed emotions. Grief and jealousy are what is most prominent. But I also feel a twinge of joy. That I’m confused about.

I’m still here though! No breakdowns. No anxiety meds. Just staying busy through art. I did cry last night and this morning. I got emotional when writing her.

Session 3 with T. Still struggling with her. There are so many pauses. It just feels uncomfortable.

Some how we talked about our relationship. And how finding L was a blessing. She thinks that I have improved since being with L. At the same time, she acknowledged that L and I are doing things that the board wouldn’t like.

I still don’t know if I should keep T or not. I don’t want to upset her if I tell her I’d rather go on my own. And insurance is still saying there are providers in network.

I seriously don’t remember anything else. My memory is getting so bad. I had to ask T to repeat her question or the topic. H says I slur my words and pdoc Discovered my involuntary tongue movement. I’m mentally and physically hurting. I’m falling apart and I’m only 42.

Well, bad news. Insurance actually found two therapists that meet my criteria. The only problem I see with them is they’re both in training. I also can’t see them because when L comes back, insurance will say that I already have a therapist in network and so they won’t renew L’s SCA. I think lost this case. That means I’ll owe T for the first 3 sessions. I’m really thinking about emergency or updates for T. Just do it on my own. I’ve been pretty okay.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry it seems that you lost the case. It doesn't seem fair if insurance is trying to give you therapists in training. I hate to say it, but I wonder if it's because it means they'll have to pay less? Those in training tend to have considerably lower rates than experienced T's.

It doesn't seem like T was really working out well for you anyway though, as you said. But it sucks that you'll have to pay her full fee for those sessions. Out of curiosity, do you know what your insurance would have paid her? I'm wondering if she'd be willing to accept that from you rather than her full fee (or that plus a co-pay). But it does seem like you're managing OK and that she's not really helping you with that. Having her as backup in case of an emergency seems like it would be good.

I think T was asking for the same as L. I think they get paid $150? But they bill for $200. Something like that. All my insurance needed to do was to transfer the SCA. They’d be paying the same as L.

And it looks like they found 2 other therapists in training who claim to treat my disorders. I think they want to practice their skills with me.

The analyst is now asking me what I want to do. Stick with T or try the 3 therapist. I don’t know. I just don’t want to mess up my SCA with L. And I believe if I go with a therapist in network, they’ll be like hey, she doesn’t need the therapist on maternity leave because she was able to see someone in network.

I wish L was here to help me decide.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, Scarlet! Also sorry it doesn't seem to be working with T anyway. It's good that you managed to talk a bit about L, though. Even if you don't remember all of it, your unconscious brain is likely to find a way to utilize it.

Also, this insurance system sounds like a ****ing nightmare. I'm not even sure it's reasonable for more standard medical practitioners that are more interchangeable, but do they have the slightest idea how psychotherapy works?

L tells me that a lot, that even if I forget something it’s still exists in my mind. Lucky, right now, when I forget things, someone telling me the facts does help with memory.

Insurance is a *****. One therapist got back to me and I have a 15min consult on Monday. The other one I haven’t heard back from. Tomorrow will be my 4th session with T. She’ll allow me a sliding scale, but still will be expensive without insurance. I so hope that I can convince them that I’m not a good fit.

Yikes, Scarlet.

A 15 minute consultation doesn't sound like it would cover much ground at all.
Definitely not long enough for you to decide whether you can work with someone.

Hugs,

Lost

You’re right. 15 minutes is not enough time to see if they would actually work. Even 2-3 months it’s really not a lot of time to help. But if I don’t do these things, insurance will win by default.

Today is session #4 with T. Not looking forward to it.

And 75 days left.