L’s Maternity Leave

4th session with T. We actually ran out of things to talk about, so she decided to talk about any updates in my life: my dad, my sister, my mom. When I told her I’m struggling with today’s anniversary, she basically told me that I can do it on my own. That I have the skills to go through this.

So today is the anniversary, yet no one seems to care how hard today is. L thinks the letter and lighting candles is good enough. It’s not! I’m miserable. I’m in so pain. Nothing is special today. It’s ruined just like last year. My SI is really hard.

Hugs, Scarlet. I appreciate how hard today is for you. I'm sorry that T seemed dismissive of it. Thinking of you...

I got some good news. Insurance approved the other treatment. They didn’t put up a fight like they are with T. The clinic said give it a few days for the pharmacy receive it. Then they’ll make an appointment to start treatment. I’m excited and so scared. I’ve never done something like this. The waiting 2 hours afterwards so you’re not hallucinating is terrifying. But I need something to work. I printed out all the psych meds I’ve taken. It’s like 15?

And my pdoc is going to hate me, but I want to get off the Lithium. I have lost so much hair that I actually have bald spot. I barely have any hair left.

I’ll update my anniversary with L later. Still having a hard time and it wasn’t enough.

Glad to hear that insurance approved the treatment. I really hope it helps you.

I guess mine and hers anniversary went as well as it could be. She sent me a letter. We also lit our candles and we each took selfies and sent them to each other. I almost never take pictures because of how ugly I see myself. But I decided to do it for her. I have a lot of pictures of her, but she has none of mine.

I wish it was in real time. To hear her voice and to be with her. I still feel clingy and I’m feel myself distance from her. My mind is a complete wreck. Though I am okay. I have a little of hope with starting treatment and being able to get off of some of my meds.

I'm glad the anniversary went well, Scarlet.

I think it's natural to distance yourself from her in this situation, because you still feel the hurt.

It's beautiful that you were able to take some of what you were feeling and turn it into care and compassion...and make that beautiful gift for the baby.

Wishing you strength in the days ahead,

Lost

Today I do an assessment with two therapist. I really hope that these therapist can’t help me and let me see T. Session number 5 with T. I think. I can’t afford paying out of pocket for her fee.

I don’t know what to say to these people. Maybe just explaining the situation? I’m nervous.

Explaining the situation might be a good idea. I guess you'd need them to say they can't treat you for the insurance company to accept it? Hopefully with all the reasons you have to keep T and L, these potential therapists would have the professional decency to not screw it up for you? Though I really have no idea. So sorry you have to deal with this

Hugs, Scarlet. If you're trying to have them say they can't work with you, I'd focus on the complexity of your case. Maybe about how you tend to attach to therapists, that you'd need someone that could handle that--and has the experience of doing so. Mentioning borderline could also be a way. And SI. You could maybe say how you've been hurt by a previous T, too.

Please know that I'm not saying any of this as criticisms of you or anything like that. But just things you could mention to show you need a T who is experienced and skilled in particular areas. Are these T's in training, too? Or fairly new to the field?

(I'm also thinking of things I could say to make a T not want to work with me, too, that might sound kinda bad without other positive things--like that I'm dedicated to therapy and don't no-show sessions, for example.)

I hope everything works out!

Thanks LT and Corbie.

Both therapists no showed. One was sick and the other didn’t give an excuse. I emailed the analyst and told him. He said he contacted the insurance and requested for the SCA with T.

Wow.Those are all great things to present to them. L included continuity of care.

I wish they would have made it. I’d rather get this over with. But I have to try.

69 days left. Made it this far. Though I am cheating. I have contact with her at least every other day. She says she reads all my emails, she just doesn’t have time to respond. I’m okay with that. Sure a full response would be nice, but I’m just happy she’s reading it and is up to date. I also send her weekly update emails. They’re kind of like a journal. That has helped me.

I missed my appointment with T today. I wrote it down wrong. Now she can’t see me until next Wednesday. I guess I missed a link to a video chat with one of the therapists yesterday. I have a consult with her tomorrow. But she knows I have T already. She’s just doing it to be nice to me. It really means a lot that a stranger is willing to help me.

I need medical help more than psychological. I’m stuttering now and having some hallucinations from my side views. There’s just so many physical symptoms. Hair loss, tremors, slurred speech, involuntary movement of my tongue, dizziness, dry mouth, and of course my short term memory. It’s embarrassing to talk to strangers. It makes me feel vulnerable and insecure. I struggle so much with holding information.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm sorry you're struggling with so many physical symptoms. Could most be caused by your combination of meds? I hope the other treatment will help so that you can get off some of them.

Thanks, LT.

Yes. Everyone believes it’s the meds. My pdoc is finally onboard to reduce/quit some of my meds, especially two out of the three that are likely the cause. She still wants me on Lithium which I believe is half the problem. I think pdoc is just going to follow the neurologist’s lead. I see the neurologist today. I’m expecting her to double the cogentin.

I might actually start the other treatment next week. Excited and scared. I don’t want to mess my brain up, but I need help.

Met with one therapist yesterday. It was good for the most part. At one point, there was silence just looking at the other. I had to break the silence myself. They didn’t know what else to talk about the last 5 minutes, so we talked about my dogs. That might help with building rapport over time, but we don’t have that kind of time. This therapist says they want to work with me. I thought for a moment that they might be okay, but then I have T already. Why do I need a third therapist? Plus there’s only 10 weeks left. That’s not enough time to do anything with someone new. But they want to work with me and that might then end my SCA with L. I’m really stuck here. The analyst is contacting my insurance today. This conversation looks to be the last. I asked the analyst if I should get an ombudsman. He never replied.

This weekend I’m alone. No L, no T, no H, and no pdoc. This is so hard. Not just that I miss them, but because I don’t have anyone to fall back on.

Hugs, Scarlet. I understand your concern about losing the SCA with L. When I saw the one backup (not R) for Dr. T late last year, she takes insurance, but I didn't submit it because I feared it affecting my situation with Dr. T. That the insurance might say "Oh, here's someone in network, keep seeing her instead" (we get 50% back for Dr. T, more once we hit a certain amount). You make a good point that it's just 10 weeks left, so likely not worth it to take that risk. Can you just say you don't want to work with her? For one, is she virtual? You could say you want in person, if so.

I'm sorry you're alone this weekend. Is H away? And is L unable to reply? Post as much as you want here if it helps, and also feel free to PM me--I'll be around.

Yep. H left Thursday for a work conference in Las Vegas. He’s not coming back until tomorrow. We have basically never been apart these last 19 years. And it’s just bad timing that everyone left this weekend. T and pdoc are also on vacation. And L responds about 24-48 hours. But I have to be careful with L. I can write as much as I want to, but there is no guarantee when she’ll answer and she doesn’t want me to depend on her until she gets back.

Neurologist took me off cogentin. I’m off Abilify tomorrow, but it stays in your system for 3 weeks. So that’s when she wants to see me again. See if it was that med. I did a little google search and it said that the two antipsychotic I’m on should not be taken together as it amplifies all the side effects.

It’s exactly that, LT. If you go in network, you have to stay in network even though it’s a short term. If they allow T, then I owe T $40. If they don’t allow her, I owe her $880 this far. That’s a lot of money.

So I talked to the second therapist yesterday. The whole conversation lasted 6mins. 6! All she wanted to know was what was happening with my insurance. She made an appointment with her for in a week? I’m finding it hard to utilize anyone right now.

Btw, both therapists didn’t ask me about my symptoms or diagnoses. It was more about them wanting to be my therapist. I felt forced into making an appointment with one of them. I’m going to cancel. I really would rather go alone. Not that is an easier decision, but I just can’t lose L’s SCA.

65 days. I think it’s been a month now. Time is moving slow and fast at the same time. Fast because I have very limited memory of these weeks. Slow because there is still a lot of time left.

Hey, Scarlet, hope you got through the weekend OK. It does seem like the right choice to cancel with the one therapist. I'd be worried about the risk to your insurance agreement for L, too. It's weird how they didn't ask about your symptoms or diagnosis though.

Hope you're doing OK.

Thank you, LT. I am okay. I made it. Not really sure how, but I did. Maybe I’m getting used to other types of communication and not just in-person? H called me every time he had time. L wrote me 2-3 times on the weekend.

62 days left.

I again misread something. This time it was for the treatment. I didn’t realize that they wanted me to pick my time slots. So I did. Not sure if they will approve. But the week of May 19 is going to be hard. One, on the 22nd is court. The other is that’s the week L is going to call me. I don’t have times from her so I can’t plan that week.

I’m coping, but not in a healthy way. I had cereal ever since H went away for work. I’m also on my phone for hours.

L actually responded to 3 emails one of which was the weekly update emails. It really means a lot to me that she hasn’t cut me off and is engaging with me. Unlike last leave where no one tried to help me. They all gave up on me and forgot to help me find someone else. Least that was what I was thinking.

I miss her, being with her, hearing her voice, actively real time communications. I’m also glad for all she is doing. She’s done a lot for me this far.

I still hold my whole array of feelings. And I know that things are just getting harder. All my physical symptoms plus emotions plus thoughts. And other important things: the court, the IRS, still fighting insurance. New symptom: freeze. I just get stuck with either my phone or nothing. I have no motivation except for getting liquid for my dry mouth otherwise I can’t swallow.

I still am struggling a little, but I do my best to distract myself. This week without really anyone to help, it showed me that I can manage on my own in everyday situations. I’m proud of myself.

I don’t say this often enough: I appreciate all of you. I appreciate the support, giving me a safe place to process, giving me guidance/different points of view, etc. I see you. All of you. From the people who responded to me through post and the ones who responded in pm’s or the ones who thanks and hugs. I so appreciate everything and really value being seen and known. I know that many people reacted to my previous threads and couldn’t hold on. I understand. I’m sometimes difficult. But I don’t mean to disrespectful. I just hurt and sometimes struggling with how to move forward. It’s not personal. I really have no ill will against anyone.

So I just wanted to say I see you and I so appreciate you.

Added update: T is willing to just be there for crises. I talk to her today in a hour. Might be the end of consistent sessions. But I really think I’ll be okay so long as life doesn’t go crashing down on me.

Insurance is willing to pay for the first 4 sessions with T! Today was 5, but 4 is awesome. So all we have to do is pay T her fees, then turn around, get some evidence and then they send us a check? The analyst still doesn’t know if insurance will cover future sessions. T did say she’ll put a cap of $1k for fees. So once we hit $1k, she’ll stop charging us. And yes, she will be there in a crisis. I feel like there’s finally movement. And some hope.

So glad to hear that, Scarlet!

That sounds like good news, Scarlet.

I hope you can find footholds through this time, as it seems like it will still be tender.

Sending hugs, if wanted.

Lost

Update: the insurance told one of the referrals to contact me and make an intake appointment. I never agreed to her. Nor the other one. I think we’ve lost. I’m 99% certain that I’m just going to do this on my own if we lose. I will still have T and L support, just not in a consistent way.

60 more days. I’ve made it past the 1/3 mark.

Yesterday’s session with T actually went well. We talked about insurance, then filled out my self-care plan, and then my meds and treatment. T wants me to stand up to my pdoc. Tell her I want to get rid of lithium and possibly Seroquel. She said she didn’t understand why I’m on 3 antipsychotics and I’m not suffering from psychosis. She also believes, like L and I, that you can’t medicate SI and think it completely goes away. They both think that the SI is a protecter part, not actually wanting to harm me.

Last night and today I have been feeling pretty grateful for a lot of things. For these forums, for all L is still doing, for T working through all of this, for H spending time with me every night, for how H is working his butt off to provide for us, etc. Nothing is perfect, but everything is okay right now.