Trust issues and possible new therapist

I can't talk about this stuff anywhere else in my life, so I'm grateful for this forum. I just want to put this out there, basically I'm venting. But if anyone can relate, or has a thought about it they feel compelled to share with me, please feel free.

trigger warnings below: SI, DV

My therapist of about five years recently ended the therapy. It was pretty abrupt and not a good ending. She had been pushing me to see a psychiatrist for about the last two years or so.



So when she started pushing for psych not long after, I didn't trust her (I have hangups around psychiatrists anyway--there's a history there that I won't get into). To be clear, I am glad I stayed on in the therapy. She is a trained psychoanalyst and I was able to talk about things I had never said out loud, or even in my own head. I also learned about some interesting writing and theories from her.

Finally, a couple months ago, she made seeing a psychiatrist a condition for continuing in the therapy, so I started looking for one. But there were reasons to think she was trying to stop being my therapist, which worried me. I was also coming off heavy alcohol and THC use, which was changing my mood.

When I had no luck finding one on my own, she finally gave me a referral to a psych who was also a therapist and had trained at the same place as her. When I called him for the initial phone consultation, he let it slip (several times) that she had said she was "uncomfortable" with me. That word was not entirely surprising to me, because she had begun saying she was not comfortable being my only source of mental health support. But what he said was different: he said she was uncomfortable with me.

Which was upsetting and fed into my fear that she was trying to drop me as a client (which I think was realistically happening). On top of that weirdness, his personality just didn't feel like a good fit. Which is not surprising for psychiatrists (no offense to any, but they can be very blunt, to a fault). But if this guy was also a trained analyst and might end up replacing her, as it seemed to me, that was not going to work. So I didn't set up an appointment with him right away, as I wanted to talk to my therapist about it. She seemed defensive when I said all this (defensive of him in particular, like I had somehow insulted him), and ended up flat out ending the therapy in my next session. She cut me off to say "did you make the appointment?" and when I froze and just said "no" she replied bluntly "then we have to end."

Naturally this brought up all kinds of feelings of abandonment, and I realized I had sort of idealized her and let a lot of things go throughout my five years working with her.

I took a day or two to just fall apart behind the scenes of my life, but then I decided I better seek out a new therapist right away and try to get myself what help I can. All I really want is to have a resource where I can talk about those heavy things (thoughts, memories, experiences) that have no place in normal life. And occasionally the lighter things too, especially as they tie in with the big stuff. I'm trying to make some big changes in my professional life, which has been a long time coming, but there's so much at play it gets overwhelming trying to navigate all the emotional and psychological factors when I am trying to look normal at a job interview, or instance.

I want something like that but I don't want to get sucked into some big program where mental health becomes a huge part of my life (as it tends to as soon as I start talking to a therapist). I need to stay bigger than my "mental health," not let it take over.

So I reached out to a consultation thing through my insurance, and got referred to about three different therapists. One came strongly recommended, and was both therapist and psychiatrist. Maybe that's a bad omen. I don't take anything, haven't in a very long time, and I don't plan on it. But at least if and when she starts recommending it, I can find a way to deal with this issue directly with her.

I wrote to her and got a response about two days later, no problem. Her response to me indicated that I had kind of written too much (she said "thanks for all that information"), so when I replied back I only wrote a sentence indicating what date would work for me. I can't stand the dynamic of being subtly shamed for writing or saying too much, it's like I can already hear them trying to make me out as a clingy, What About Bob type character. I don't actually act like this at all, maybe more the opposite (aloof, very careful with who and how I speak). But I'm very aware of how people in general like to caricature each other in order to make themselves feel more heroic, powerful, or even victimized.



Being an extremely introverted individual, it's very easy for people to project onto me--even therapists. As many stories on this forum indicate, there is nothing preventing therapists from trying to act out their own fantasies on their clients. Even when you get a relatively good one who seems overall to keep that **** to themselves, it still sometimes leaks out. Mine happened to practice a relational interpersonal therapy, so every time I had a feeling (anger, for example) it had to be about her. Everything was transference. It made me feel like a narcissist for not being angry with her! And in the end I was probably right not to show my anger, because the one time I finally opened up about a lot of the anger I did feel towards her, she just sat there looking defeated and ended the therapy the next session.

So anyway, I already have some hangups, and the new therapist I contacted took almost a week to get back to me about a simple confirmation. Maybe that's not so bad, but it's not what I expected. And she's only human after all, I don't want to paint her in a bad light like I'm complaining about others doing to me.

But in that time, I've been quietly coming to terms with the idea that maybe I can just not be in therapy for a while. Especially if these trust issues are always there, apparently derailing even the productive relationships. Like a lot of people here, the thought of starting over with a new person sounds so daunting. I'm just going through the inventory in my mind thinking of all the horrible things I will have to say again for the first time. But I'm so isolated, and I have started to worry about myself, that there's something really wrong inside me. But I've also sort of told myself that if someone gives me the wrong feeling, I won't just go along with it. I would rather be alone, and I know I can be, as the pandemic taught me. I'm actually very conflicted about this, because when I don't have that rock that supports me emotionally (however illusory it might turn out to have been) then I get this extreme terror, it's a very particular feeling linked to a certain recurring childhood nightmare. But on the other hand, I'm extremely sensitive about boundaries, psychic and physical boundaries, and when I feel them being crossed or betrayed, I have to cleanse myself through long periods of isolation.

Anyway, today the potential new therapist finally replied, confirming the initial appointment, and wants to put me in her system as a new patient. I am not sure what to do. Given the rhythm of our conversation so far, I don't feel pressured to reply right away, so I guess I have some time to think about it. But the other part of me wants the security of having the new appointment set up.

As I said, I don't really know if I'm asking for advice here, or just venting, but I figured I'll take advantage of this forum as a place to safely and anonymously say some things that otherwise just go in my journal, and I think the very idea that one's words might be heard or read by another person still has some sort of meaning for me.

Im not sure I am the right person to give any advice, but wanted to say that therapists really shouldn’t push you in to doing anything. I understand the loss of trust that would come when she missed your check in, it doesn’t sound like she tried to repair the trust afterwards? I hope you find a new therapist that is just there for you and doesn’t try and make you do anything you don’t want to do.

I'm so sorry you had to go through the pain of your long-term therapist suddenly making a unilateral termination decision, that must have been very hurtful. So it's to your credit that you are still trying to find another source of MH support after everything you've been through.

I don't know too much about the system in the US as it's very different from here in the UK, but I would say there should not be any pressure to begin working with someone. Do you have the option to try this potential new T out for a few sessions to get a feel of whether you can work with her or not? If you do, it would be worth making that appointment and rather than launching into all the stuff that took you into therapy in the first place, maybe begin by explaining a bit about your last therapy relationship, how abandoned and hurt it has made you feel, with huge trust issues.

A good therapist should be willing to work through this with you for however long it takes, before getting into the really difficult issues.

Good luck with your search.

Thanks for your responses, @Lostislost and @East17
I agree, no pressure should be needed, and ultimately I'll make my own decision on how to proceed. There is no need to get sucked into something.