[LostOnTheTrail]

Work is messy, grief is messy, our relationship feels messy to me at the moment.

TW for reflection on suicide loss

Possible trigger:

I have been thinking about the way Steve foreshadowed his death every freaking time he stepped onstage to speak.

'Hi, I'm Steve Austin and I was a pastor when I nearly died by suicide."

Who knows whether we'll have to go back that far to regain our footing?

[Mountaindewed]

I feel a lot calmer today about things between us. Even though you had no idea there was even an issue.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Anything you want to say to your T, big or small - post it here.

[SalingerEsme]

Dear T , We seem to have lived our way into a corner by pushing boundaries too far. Four hour phone calls and texting back and forth all day made me feel exceptionally special at first, but now I wonder if something isn’t well with you. You’re a respected trauma psychologist, and you’re married with tween girls. Where do you find so much time to text me so steadily. What do they think you are doing? You say you and your wife no longer sleep together. Should I even know that? I do love that we can read psychoanalytic books together and discuss them- fulfilling. But it reminds me of the BPD idea of FP even though I don’t have BPD. It’s like I’m your Favorite Person and you are almost mine. I fear this will end badly, here in year four.

[ArtieTheSequal]

That part of me that wants to sit down and talk with you about what happened - that part is never going to go away, is it.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Today marks three months of understanding.

It somehow feels like three years and three days all at the same time.
Knowing 'why' something happened doesn't soften the feelings.

That's part of what we'll talk about on Tuesday, I'm sure.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I’ve really needed to talk to you these last two weeks. Idk where to start when we meet Tuesday

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear T,

Reading back on some sessions from our first year or so together for the memoir, in one, you essentially telegraphed that I shouldn't share things like love feelings. Guess I should have reread that one a couple years before now... Though I'd told you that a couple times before, including once about a year into seeing you, and you'd seemed fine with it? Though the one time, you said if it was platonic, "It just means you like me a lot." Which isn't quite the same, but I didn't dispute that. So maybe you just thought of it that way?

Love,
LT

[Mountaindewed]

I'm not sure how you'll be tommorow. I don't really want to explain my jealously over your other client. But I did email you saying I was checked out and frustrated during our session and that I took a 5 hour nap when I got home. So maybe you will bring it up.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Dear H,

I really appreciate you normalising what I'm going through.

Just to hear you say 'I would hesitate to call that weird...'

I feel like I've been pitched back into that state of hypervigilance...

Every swear word I use is something else trying to come out.

Thank you for being there and being safe.

Lost

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear T,

So....being less emotional about conflicts = good? That seems to be reinforcing lessons from my mom. I don't think that is helpful to me. I think it's just more comfortable for you.


Love,
LT

[LostOnTheTrail]

Did today's session clue you in to what this latest layer has done to me, by any chance?

You saw me jump at what was objectively nothing twice.

I dropped my worry stone (thanks for picking that up for me) and then jumped out of my skin when the postman arrived.

Clearly the bracing doesn't end just because I'd like it to.

[LostOnTheTrail]

I rang the helpline this afternoon, and somebody I hadn't spoken with before answered.
I gathered myself, and prepared to explain again.

She let me talk for a while, and then redirected me to one of the bereavement advisors.
With one thing and another, I ended up talking her ear off for nearly two hours.

She said that she didn't think I'm a coward - this is sensitive territory for me, and it's understandable given the position I'm in.

I had no idea where we left off, so I had to fill her in on what I'd come to understand about Steve's death.

By the time we speak, we'll be debriefing this workshop, if I end up going.

I don't want to put myself through it, but my work ethic says different.

[Mountaindewed]

I emailed you on Tuesday about my appointments and I don't feel the need to email you again. Unlike last week things are going fine.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Y'know I'd really like for us to sit down and talk somewhere neutral. Of course I know that won't happen and I wouldn't dream of asking. But hell's bells, I wish we could. I miss you.

[Mountaindewed]

I did have to email her about switching our appointment on Monday to telehealth and she said
"How about an in person one on Thursday?"
And I said "yeah thats fine."
And she replied "yay!!!! See you then!"

Idk. Maybe she just wanted the extra time on Monday to sleep.

[iheartjacques]

Thank you for the safe space to finally tell you. That took 9 years. I have only ever told two other people about it in my life.

I haven't read your letter. I am overwhelmed by everything that happened in the session. I don't think you are aware of how overwhelming it was for me which makes me feel stupid and slow, like I should be able to keep up with the grown ups but can't. Three weeks is a long time for me to sit with this stuff, but I think ultimately it will be good to pause. Things will emerge and I am interested in that.

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear T,

I really hope you don't get picked for a jury this week. I mean, I know it won't affect our Monday session. But I'll leave that not knowing whether I'll be seeing you anymore that week--and possibly longer, depending on what would happen with a trial. (And of course, this is when sessions will work out to be free now.) Sigh.

I mean...I guess better now than the first week of November?

Love,
LT

[Mountaindewed]

What does medically safe even mean. My ID and insurance cards are in another state along with all my CC. Kinda not real smart in case of an emergency.

[Mountaindewed]

I am so glad we moved to Thursday. I didn't feel like doing virtual therapy. I must have just had some weird side effect thing because I haven't had any of those feelings in the last 10 days or whenever that was

[velcro003]

hey t--I haven't written to you in here in a longgggg time. I don't know why your email today made me mad. I KNEW you weren't ignoring my phone call and emails this weekend. And you weren't, you were out of town. Except, now I don't want to see you on Wednesday. It makes no sense. And I absolutely will never tell you this.

[velcro003]

I also just realized that I fear you are going to tell me that we need to do something different. this therapy isn't working. I'm not sure I can handle that. I sort of want you to cancel.

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear T,
I hope you'd have let me know by now if you were chosen for a jury and won't be able to meet tomorrow. Wish you'd have let me know either way. H just got really upset with D, and I'm hoping we can talk about it. (Obviously, I haven't had a discussion with him about this yet, but been kinda preoccupied with car stuff today.) So, I hope to see you tomorrow.
Love,
LT

[ArtieTheSequal]

Depression sucks rocks. I've been fighting it back so hard. I feel like I'm losing again. I know it's only money but this latest $4500 hit with the stupid a/c just... I don 't know.

I miss therapy, I miss you.

I wrote a poem tonight about how depression feels. Sometimes, like tonight, I write to heal.