Hugging: Good move? Or bad move?

I don't know if physical contact of any kind is allowed in therapy, but at times I want to be held by my therapist so badly. I just don't know if hugs are allowed and even if they are I don't know if it's a good idea or not? I'm a 30 yr old male and she's only a little bit older. I'm attracted to her. I think about her all the time. That being said, I didn't put this in the "romantic feelings" sub forums because my attraction to her is not the only motivating factor for wanting to be held by her.

I cry a lot. I'm depressed. We all have a natural human need to be held, but I have no one in my life. In my last session I had to stop and pause when we were discussing a family matter that nearly brought me to tears. At that moment I would have loved a hug, regardless of who my therapist was or what my feelings for them were. She knows how much I think about her and if I were to ask to hold her and be held by her, I'm not sure I could handle hearing NO.

On the one hand I want to be held by her because of the pain and emptiness in my life. But on the other hand, I am very attracted to her and I'm worried if we were to hug that it would only intensify my attraction to her and cause me more pain. I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons.

Are hugs allowed? Should I even bring this topic up with her?

Some T's hug, mine suggests it, but I'm not so comfortable with touch.

Could you say to your T how you feel, so rather than asking for a hug, just express that sometimes you feel that you would like to be held.

My t has hugged me a few times. It's like a hug that touches my soul, even though it doesn't last long. It took me years to feel comfortable; I've only asked for a hug once from her.

I really have thought way too much about the issue, ha! My T hugs and I've decided hugs are good for me. T hugs are like super charged hugs. It was like being reminded of what a hug could and should be. It helped me improve the quality of my out of session hugging. Your therapist may or may not hug, so I should forewarn you of that. If you are having a strong transference the hugs could be a turn on, I think it differs for people.

With my first Therapist I tried to give her a hug at our final session but she rejected it saying that she didn't do hugs.

With my current Therapist I asked for a hug after having a very tough session but she told me that she didn't do hugs either (but told me that she does do them at a final session).

I've been using the term "Therapist" but her business card says "clinical psychologist". I assume that's just the technical term, but perhaps there's a difference. And if so perhaps there are different rules when it comes to contact. Can anyone elaborate on that?

I've only been seeing her since February, so a lot of this is all new to me. I should have reached out for help a long time ago, but better late than never.

My t and i are extremely huggy.we hug all the time.
Ex t would give me one hug at the end of a session.
I had a couple interim therapists who sat across the room and wouldnt touch me(i didnt want them to anyway!)
So it just depends on your particular t's stance on the issue- different things work for different people.
With this t, all the hugging is soooo helpful and been very very healing.

From what I understand their title doesn't matter, I think either may or may not hug. There have been polls done on here in the past and it seemed like maybe 30% hug at least at some point... I think the main factors are their therapeutic approach. Another factor mentioned a lot is whether your T thinks hugs would or wouldn't be good for you. Lot's a debate. If you Google it you'll see what I mean.

You can bring it up with her, and if she's a good therapist she will know how to help you through those feelings. But I wouldn't count on her holding you.

Hugs are such a weird thing. I have some erotic transference for my T but for months I truly didn't want a hug. Lately I do but I refuse to ask because I'm not 100% sure how it will make me feel. I think it will hurt.

I often wonder if I will ask for one on my last session because I can't imagine feeling like a "thank you" or handshake will be enough to express my gratitude or appreciation but I'm also scared it will raise feelings in me I can't manage. I guess I won't know until it's time.

As for the OP, I would gently advise against asking your T for a hug. I think it will leave you wanting more I think you're right in your hunch that it will raise more feelings in you. Have you considered talking about why you want one from her?

I'm sorry you're feeling lonely and like you need to be held. I genuinely understand how that feels.

It's not unheard of. In general, no matter if the T's gender is opposite or the same, it is not a good idea to add physical contact when there is any romantic or erotic transference. It may only increase it and create an extra painful situation for you.

On the other hand, if you feel you can handle it, the next step would be to bring it up and have a discussion about these needs with your Therapist. It's tricky. I don't know how it works with opposite genders but I do know the boundaries are kept a bit tighter...especially if T and client are closer in age. If there is a 20+ age gap it may be a different story...

I desperately want to receive a hug from my T too. I wonder sometimes if that's my goal in T! But she doesn't initiate any form of touch or connection and I am too afraid to bring it up in case she says no. Its weird as i have real issues to deal with but this need for a hug just seems to have taken over. We are both female & she is about 20 years older than me. Maternal.

For me it would be bad. I would instinctively try to make out with T, and then it would become awkward.

I do not want to ask for a hug. It is like asking for a gift.....it's loses its meaning when asked for. If a T is going to hug me it needs to come from him on his own because he wants to, because he was moved in someway to do so. Then it would have great meaning and healing power.

Thank you. I like the idea of talking to her about why I want one, but then she might think that I'm expecting one and that the only reason I brought it up would be because I was fishing for contact. When in fact I actually do like your idea of just discussing it.

I've decided I'm not going to straight up ask her for one, but if she ever offers I'm not going to hesitate to accept. We sit so close in front of each other in her small office that the desire to just reach out and hold her can be overwhelming. Especially when she leans forward or smiles. She's so close, yet I can't be with her.

For sure. But I wouldn't say it's akin to asking for a gift. If it were a romantic relationship or friendship or even a family member then I would agree. You shouldn't have to ask in those situations. But a patient/therapist relationship is a whole other dynamic. If a patient isn't sure what is and isn't permitted then I don't think it's ever a bad idea to just ask. If I leave a session without asking for what I truly wanted to get off my chest then I feel like I wasted the session and I end up regretting it. And who's to say the therapist/psychologist isn't thinking the same thing? Perhaps he/she wants to comfort a patient but isn't sure the patient is comfortable with that. I feel both sides need to be as honest as possible.

In a perfect scenario, yeah, it would have a lot more meaning if they offered. And perhaps mine will if she senses I need one. She's very friendly and her intuition is exceptional. I called a mental health crisis line 2 weeks ago without her knowing and the next day I got a call from her out of the blue telling me to come in because she sensed I was not in a good frame of mind when I left our session the day before.

He knows you want him and still let you hug him?
I'm jealous
My therapist's hugs were burning hot and it's so hard when it's over,he doesn't let me touch him again.

Wow. I dont want my t thinking he can read my mind, or projecting his needs on me. This is a very passive stance in life. You might want to look into assertiveness training. My dad taught me to always say no when offered anything, that that was being polite. That did not serve me well.

What is with the "wow"? I do not need assertiveness training.....I am very assertive. I am not the needy one here who needs a hug. I also feel I should not have to ask for a hug. Something like that should be "natural" and not forced or given it out of obligation or guilt or doing it so there are no hard feelings. Just saying.

I see what youre saying about it should be natural. I made a "natural" friend recently, and it was like, wow so THIS is what its supposed to be like, just so easy.

Eta - sorry. Thanks for setting me straight.

As a general courtesy, can we not call or refer to anyone as "needy"?


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Well yes that's true. I wonder if it's because I've specifically said I wouldn't consummate anything with him even given the chance? I'm happily married and a bad liar . And, maybe I have downplayed my physical attraction to him since I've decided it's not relevant... Haha. If we hugged longer than a second it might get burning hot, I'm not sure, as it is though I am so slow emotionally by the time I process that I'm about to touch him the hug is over. Hugs aren't normally sexual to me though, I think if we were hugging and his hands started moving around, I would be in more trouble.

MoxieDoxie, is it at all possible for you to respond to Hankster's remark on how you lack assertiveness without belittling me and my problems in the process? I'm not the one who offended you.

I don't care for terms like NEEDY. We're all in therapy here. We're all in need of something. Including you. I read that you suffer from Bulimia. How would you like it if I belittled your eating disorder? I know of a George Carlin clip that would probably do the trick.

For the record, I have no one in my life. NO ONE. No family. No friends. No one. Just my pet. So yeah, there are times when I see my therapist that I want a hug. I guess I'm a needy clingy bastard. I've been kicked around in life enough as it is without having to come on here and get the same treatment.

Excuse me? Where in this statement am I belittling you!!!

(I do not want to ask for a hug. It is like asking for a gift.....it's loses its meaning when asked for. If a T is going to hug me it needs to come from him on his own because he wants to, because he was moved in someway to do so. Then it would have great meaning and healing power.)

I am giving my view on what I feel about hugs.

Make love not war guys xxx :mexican: Sending a big to everyone that needs one. Human contact can be very healing, but it can also be counterproductive if it evokes difficult emotions. If I ever had a hug from my T, I think my brain would actually explode.