[Mouse_]

It was hard to go to T today. I was so aware of the attachment I have with her that it was giving me chest pains.

Once in the room I started crying immdeiately and said I just feel I want to tell you to f*** off. T said thats what you've been doing outside of T in other chat rooms and getting hated and banned, but I am now bringing it into T and showing her. Once she said that the urge to tell her to F*** off went.

I told her I hate that I feel I need her so much, that I just want to be there with her, I feel ashamed. T said that there is some truth in as much as a baby does need its mother for survival more then the mother needs the baby. I said but I feel I just want you with me all the time then I'd be ok, but I know thats not reality. T said I think you mean you wish I'd been with you in the beginning of your life then you would have been ok.

I told her that I hate it that when she takes a break that I am left feeling scared and that she can do it without blinking an eyelid. T said it feels like she is doing it without blinking an eyelid. Sigh, these feelings are so intense when you experience them and its only when someone else points out to you the different between feelings and reality it sort of all disolves.

T did say she feels on the first week back after any other breaks that I need to go 3x for that week and not just the normal 2x, and of course I can still email. I asked her if I need to pay for emailing her. She nodded and said, no.

I said my head has so many scenes going on at the moment. I can see vikings fighting and my life acts with that. Its like thats all I can see and I feel the feelings connected to these scenes in my head and reality seems far, far away. But I guess at least now I can "see" them and not just be in them. Its so hard to believe that my feelings are not reality, though they themselves are real.

I feel comforted and more settled now that T suggested something I could do that would help. Oh well, onwards and upwards.

[Perna]

I think feelings are reality, just not all of it. For me, they're like forests when I'm looking for a particular tree, they get in the way rather than inform me. When one is in a forest and gets scared, one can start running blind, looking over one's shoulder instead of where one is going, etc. Instead of the trees orienting me, they confuse and frighten me further, feel like they're against me.

I'm glad you have been comforted and settled for the moment. You got any marshmallows to roast by that campfire? :-)

[Fuzzybear]

[Kiya]

((((((((( mouse )))))))))))

[happyflowergirl]

((((Mouse))))

Attachment IS scary, so much on the line for us clients in therapy. I feel myself getting attached to, and it scares me, I told him last week I think he cares for me and that makes me feel nervous.

It sounds like you have a good T, how long have you been seeing her? I like that you are honest with her, that is good stuff.

[Mouse_]

flowergirl, I've been with T for 3 1/2 yrs now. You know when I said yesterday that I don't want to get attached because it hurts to bad, T replied, but you are already attached. When she said that I felt some of the fight go out of me. How can I continue to fight what already is. I told her my only experince of being attached as a child was like being attached to a knife, it hurt to bad. Of course T is like something I've never experienced before, and I'm still scared to believe its real, always prepared for the worse, accept the worse never happens.

[happyflowergirl]

Mouse,

I like what your T said, amazing T you have, so kind too, and honest.

Wow, can I relate to being attached to a knife, that sums my childhood up pretty well.

So people just shouldn't be parents, but some treat children like punching bag, negation object, or just to look like they are important for being a parent.
((((Mouse)))) I am glad you are getting help. People say we will be stronger once healed for what all we have been through, well I am still waiting to believe that one.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Mouse,

The whole attachment thing freaks me out completely too so I try to ignore it. (yeah, real good and healthy coping mechanism)

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I said my head has so many scenes going on at the moment. I can see vikings fighting and my life acts with that. Its like thats all I can see and I feel the feelings connected to these scenes in my head and reality seems far, far away. But I guess at least now I can "see" them and not just be in them. Its so hard to believe that my feelings are not reality, though they themselves are real.

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This happens to me. I keep telling T that too much is going on and so I can't isolate one thing to say to him. Although the feelings may not be an accurate description of what is going on, yes, they are real and they grow out of the attachment, don't you think?

[Mouse_]

((flowergirl))

Miss charlotte, I was thinking about the viking scene last night. I was trying to see where it takes me. Its the same picture, an old viking residence in the late evening, people running and screaming down this road holding lighted lanterns. The people do not turn a corner or stop or do anything but run in terror and the village is a mess. I think I almost have autistic tendencys where I think in pictures. I dont have words for all my feelings, perhaps because of the pre-verbal ones. Perhaps these scenes are from that time? I guess if I was to put one word to describe the atmosphere of the scene it would just be fear. I tried to change the pictures last night to a more relax senario, but my mind was like an elastic band and just goes back to the fear scene. In the end I just let it bit.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Mouse,

While reading your post something popped into my mind. How old were you or what grade were you in when you first studied about the Vikings?

Could the images be describing something that was going on in your life at that time?

Peace

[Perna]

I think it's nice of you to have them with lighted lanterns; to me that means hope, being able to see the way, education, and just that they had time to light them and get out (aren't going to be slaughtered in their beds). We're not always afraid because things are inherently fearful; sometimes we're afraid of our own pictures in our heads; could just mean "change" which is mostly what the Vikings brought. I think I would have been more afraid of Willy the Conquerer?

[Mouse_]

Miss charlotte, I just suddenly remembered on mondays session telling T that at sch aged rather 9ish, I would have to play a game where I was kidnapped and tortured but I was getting so much happiness from this and it was important the other kids didn't know this, that they had to believe I was the "vicitm" and getting no joy from it. T said that children try and show what is going on for them in their life by using play, that the enjoyment I percieved the part of being the victim was my actually that I was conveying my pain. I think I watched the film the vikings around that age too.

[Mouse_]

perna, yes perhaps the lanterns signfy hope i'm not sure.

[chaotic13]

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Mouse said: I would have to play a game where I was kidnapped and tortured

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I remember this game too. I remember being tracked, hunted, tied, tormented, and left to free myself. Sometimes I remember being so exhausted that I didn't mind being caught. In some sick demented way I found this game fun at times too.