[happyflowergirl]

The more thinking I am doing about stuff, and today was a very easy T session , we talked about relaxed breathing and how to do it.

But there is something on my mind, something that happened when I was 18 and still living at home until college.

My parents had these friends that would get together to play cards and of course us kids (being in 6th grade at the time) would go along. Well I had a crush on this guy for a little bit. But eventually me and his son (15) would be making out downstairs in the basement. (my first time doing something other than kissing) One time when I came over, I went to the TV room in the basement and he was in the bathroom and he opened the door and it was dark inside. I now know he wanted to go down on him (now I know) but at the time I didn't know even what that was, I was very naive, I just left the room confused. He later stopped seeing me.
Well several year later his father, friends of my parents, came by very drunk to our house. He had to know my parents would be gone because they would be downtown at the business they owned. He wanted me to drive me around the corner (a couple of miles) to this lake resort, because he said he was so drunk he would get lost. Well I wasn't sure why he wanted to go there, it was a seasonal place, and it was early winter and nobody would be there. Well the way he was looking at me, it gave me the creeps. My brother was at home, thank god. I went to my room and locked the door while my brother talked with him, and he finally left. But I was so scared, shaking, worried he would come back. I knew he was no good and I was scared, he was a big guy, an ex Vietnam vet and stuff.

I remember my dad asking me what "Tom" wanted, and I told him I never wanted to see him again, ever. Then my dad asked what happened and my dad luckily believed me and they never hung out again.

But why does it still bother me, still remains burned into my memory. I feel like I need to talk about this with my new T, there is a pattern of older guys liking me including my formal T, and it makes me sick. I don't feel so well right now.

[chaotic13]

HFG, It can be unsettling when a guy gives ya the "willies". Especially one of your father's friends. Talk to your T about it. I told my T about something that I thought was a stupid that happened 30 years ago and it turn out to be very important.

[happyflowergirl]

Yeah, I think he would have raped me if I took him anywhere. The way he looked at me. When I told my dad he wanted me to drive him to the lake place, my dad got very mad, because I think he knew his friend, and what a jerk he is. I guess in Vietnam there were a lot of rape victims by this guy, I didn't know.

It makes me think if I could of somehow confide him in what my mom was doing to me and my brother if he would have done something to save us. I wonder if he would have believe me.

Maybe this is why I have been thinking of my wanting my dad, because he did help me once. He may have not been the best of fathers, probably guilty of neglect but he never physically or really emotionally abused me like my mom. Maybe when doing the EMDR, last week, all of sudden I wanted my dad to hold me and it wasn't something he would have normally have done, but maybe I wanted or needed that when I was young and being abused by my mom. But my mom threatened to kill me if I told, I was too scared to tell anyone even my dad.

[happyflowergirl]

I called and got an appointment (he had one open today, lucky me) so I plan on telling him about this. I think it has some big connections to something to me in how i see the world now, but I wonder if it says anything about what happened to me in the past.

All I know is I wanted my dad, such a primal need, he helped me before, and I just wished I could have told him about my mom. But what if he didn't believe me?

I used to hate it when my mom set up my brother, got him all upset to a point where he would yell at her. Then she would tell my dad, and my dad is from the old school where you don't disrespect your parents, and then he spanked/whipped him. But it was because of her, pushing his buttons. He had learning disabilities (because of her abuse) and he couldn't read or write very well. He would get mad and want to leave, then she said, where are you going to go? You can't get a job, you can't read, or have graduated high school. She pulled him out after 8th grade, all because I believe that the teachers were on to her abusing him.
Now he died in Nov. from complications from his child abuse that happened many years ago. He was only 36, and my only sibling, my dad died from colon cancer in 1999. I feel so alone now except my mom is still alive and that will torment me until she is dead some day. Then I can breathe again. My T says she has anti social disorder or a psychopath it was called before. She is brutal. My old T called her one scary *****. It is fair she is allowed to live while my brother died because of her, and I in therapy is seems forever to help heal the pain she caused from her torture while being scared out of my mind she might show up at my door or abduct my kids like she has threatened. All because I don't spank them, so I spoil them according to her. It just isn't fair. Sorry for all my rambling.