i thought i posted about this but perhaps cybermonsters ate it

im in a bad frame of mind. Very self destructive.

i am thinking about leaving therapy. Yeah, i know, i have said that before... this time i am not freaking out at T or anything like that. We had an issue yesterday.. and i was upset, panicking... but we got through it... what i am left with though is the stuff that got triggered... a lot of violence internally. i am realizing how hyperreactive i am to T's actions, words...everything he tries to do..

i feel like a total failure and a waste

i am asking myself.. sincerely, am i even a good candidate for therapy?

what is the likelihood i can ever accomplish the changes i would need to in order to make this journey worth doing?

i got to the point of telling H i wanted out... that was my big focus for going into therapy. i did that. Maybe it's time to stop now.

i thought i could do more, be more, you know? i was wrong... im not as strong as all that... no, really, im not. i need to make big leaps of faith to change and instead i cling to T and cry in fear and anger.... and T just wants to push me into leaping...

i dont disagree with him this time really... i just dont think i can do things this way...

im not sure what i am asking here....maybe nothing

[Perna]

I don't know. I had 9 years between seeing my therapist and I didn't find an alternative (and I was looking in that period) that seemed to work for me. One can't stand still, say, "I've done enough" because there is no status quo, we're always changing and we can go both directions in the change. Without tools, I was slipping back into problems. My second bout with therapy was much better and I moved forward so that I'm on a forward moving path now, not as likely to fall back, at least not until another train runs into mine :-)