My T taught me a lesson and I felt so sad for him I cried.

I put triggers for talk of sucide and self harming.

Well first of all I was right, since last week was so easy and the fact he said that therapy won't always be a piece of cake, I KNEW he was ready to ponce on me. lol He had been studying my notes from the beginning of therapy this morning, ready to get into some trauma processing.

Well I came in and shared my poems with him that I wrote about my childhood, some that are on my blog. And I told him about my online friend who OD'd this week.

Well boy did he set me straight!. I was saying on how this person is so intelligent and has everything going for them, and how I just don't understand how someone like that would want to do themselves in. I just didn't get it. Well boy was he going to set me straight on that. He talked about how he always takes sucide threats seriously. All pain is pain, a kid who loses his dog feels the same intensity as a spouse who loses a spouse and how each one can think of killing themselves, and both be just as valid. So my friend who seems to have everything going for her, can be very sad inside and I don't always know how bad they really feel inside. Well he really called me out on that one. I have learned from it, I asked if I should go to the corner, and he said no actually you deserve a star on your forehead for learning. lol. It doesn't matter what people show on the outside because some people who seems to have it all together on the outside, are so fragile on the inside.
But what really got to me, he brought up his brother who jumped off a bridge again. THe first time I forgot to ask if his brother was okay. Well this time I asked and found out he died and when my T told me that I just started to well up in tears. I felt so sad for him, I started to cry. He asked if this was bringing up something in me, and I said no, I just felt really bad for him.
Then he told me how he still gets teary eyed sometimes in therapy. He told me a couple of stories that on the news made him cry. One reminded him of me. One actor was very quiet boy in school, but he wrote this very good poetry, well he didn't speak out in class because he stuttered. Well he had a teacher along the way that recognized his talent, and thought anyone who writes this well, should read their words for others. Well he supported this student in doing so. Now he is this 80+ old actor who is very famous. All because of a teacher who made a difference.
We talked about how in my childhood I had teachers who cared in a very close knit community. So even though I wasn't getting love and attention from my parents, I did get some from my teachers and an old baby sitter of mine. This helped me remain somewhat normal functioning as an adult who has had a horrible past as I did.
So here we both are in session, all tearing eyed over this stuff. Me and him are a lot alike but he is teaching me it is okay to cry, and to let my sensitive self show even as a T. He tried to say he was sorry at the end for talking so much about himself, but he felt what I did learn today was very important, and he was sorry he was being more like a professor than my T. I told him not to be sorry because I appreciate the fact that he goes the extra mile of not just being my T, but teaching me how to be a good T when that time comes. He told me me really enjoys being my T. That felt so good. I am very lucky to be able to learn from his 40 plus years of experience.
He told me once that he knows some T's lose their sensitive side being a T because you become desensitized to all the crap you hear as a T. But he said it hasn't happened to him, because if it did, he said he wouldn't have been able to be a T for as long as he has. But yet when he doesn't understand something like cutting, he goes to seminars to learn, even someone who has had as much experience as him. He keeps trying to learn about stuff to help him become a better T.
I guess I can say I admire who he is as a T, and hope I am as good as he someday. The stuff I learn from him is so valuable , I feel very lucky to have him as my T .

He sounds like a really good T. You're lucky to have him.

--splitimage

wow, that is quite the session you had!! so very sad, too!

Thanks Kiya and splitimage for your support

It was quite the session, I am still feeling good today because of it. I feel like he really cares, I saw it in his eyes and facial expression and that isn't something someone can fake. I am a tiny bit scared too though. I don't want to get that close to someone that I know the relationship will end some day. But over all I feel great, I went in kinda depressed and felt better even though we didn't talk about the depression.
Someone mentioned last night what I felt---unconditional positive regard--- that is what I feel from my T. For the first time in my life I feel that and it makes me want to fly! It is hard to describe but all i know it that if feels wonderful.

You do have a wonderful T.

You will be!