Authoritarian Conflict Resolution Taught Here!? (Probable Triggers)

I'd like to preface this little diatribe by saying that I love this site and the people I've met here. There is much information and ongoing support for and by many wonderful people, in a loving, knowledgeable, and relatively free from trite dogma atmosphere. I've made many friends here. I've also managed to make my very first post on the web here, so something here helped me overcome that initial hurdle to resocialization.

After my initial hard to achieve success however I've found myself relatively stalled. Maybe I'm looking to blame something outside of myself or maybe I'm just tired of being told everywhere I go to look elsewhere we don't have that here if you don't like it you can leave... I've got a number of things I need to work on; prominent among them is increasing my conflict resolution skills, without that I can't even seem to get on the same page as a therapist let alone arrive at a level of confidence that would allow me, survival, independence, and personal fulfillment.

I've found the aggressive suppression of attempts to learn and arrive at conflict resolution to be, at least somewhat, nonsupportive here, and counterproductive to furtherance of my mental health. The while stifling conflict by prohibiting conflict via the deletion, locking, of threads that raise differences; efforts at resolving them, are squashed, and negatively reinforced. It seems to me, this does not support healthy communication but teaches authoritarian and power based abuse. Many would like to feel safe from conflict and there should be places for that while acknowledging that such places enable the conflict avoidant to remain ignorant and unpracticed with needed skills. Those who at a different stage of their recovery and development need examples and experiences of conflict resolution to gain confidence in their ability to meet the unavoidable conflict situations they will face in life. Some need this first or they will tend to be stopped from starting and or continuing therapy even when needed most. I have just lost a dear friend do to this very thing. The usual excuse is that they didn't want to be helped, part true but also, Baloney, conflict resolution negotiations broke down, Fatally! Conflict resolution should be encouraged in some perhaps sheltered section of all mental health sites, as I see it, those who need the calm of no conflict temporarily can avoid that section/forum. If it can't be done as part of this site links to where it is focused on would be welcome.

Doc John, has a perfect right to run a web site however he sees fit (I think he has done a wonderful job and provided a great service), it just might not meet everyone's mental health needs, as is. I need support at increasing conflict resolution skills, as I believe many who have come to this site do. As these skills are not taught generally or thoroughly enough in schools or elsewhere, the result is much mental illness and needless suffering. There is a huge need for such a place in mental health support settings especially. I also need to stop avoiding potential conflict and the challenges in life as they just change form and tend to grow with avoidance I think. We all have a very effective source of peaceful refuge from conflict many who have found it had it marked in stone, R.I.P.

Perhaps it's just me making some of the same thinking and behavioral mistakes that led me here, I don't know.

~ Sincerely if only tentatively ~ Down
ps:sorry for the length

Yes, unfortunately and I'm sorry to say, this is a support community, not a psychotherapy group. Nobody is in a position to teach skills here, conflict resolution or anything else. I'm sorry, but that's just not the point of a community like this.

If you would like to learn skills and find folks willing to teach them voluntarily, that's cool. But I get a sense you just don't like folks enforcing the rules here, and instead would like everything to be discussed first. Well, much discussion does take place, but it is my choice to hold that discussion in private. If you need to have that discussion in public, I'm sorry, but that's probably not going to happen in most cases.

There are many, many skills people can learn to better their lives. Conflict resolution is certainly one of them. But I can no more teach that here than I could teach communication skills, relaxation skills, relationship building skills, etc. While it's possible to teach such skills -- online or elsewhere -- that's not my, or anybody else's, purpose here or the purpose of this particular online community.

Again, I'm sorry that's not what you're looking for... and I do hope you find it.

DocJohn

Good posting down. Very good. Same to doc, kimmy, and susan.

Ry

Hmmmmmmm... not happy about this developement, thinking on it.

In the mean time one of my jumbled sententences might better have read.

By stifling the struggling efforts at conflict resolution; via the deletion and locking, of threads that raise differences; efforts at resolving them are squashed, and negatively reinforced. This is not support but instead harmful.

Support lite? Warm fuzzies only need apply? might seem a better discription it seems to me.

I'm not sure what the site is intended to be for anymore actually, this is very dissapointing.

~Down

downso, the only time that "struggling efforts at conflict resolution" is "stifled" is when they're potentionally causing more harm than good...period.

any member has agreed to the guidelines of this community when they come here because they obviously feel these same guidelines are put in place to help keep them safe. bottom line...we abide by these guidelines. there's not much more argument to that. you can work on your "conflict resolution" here as much as you want as long as you don't violate the community guidelines.

personally, i stand by what i said...any conflicts should take place in private as most ppl do NOT want personal conflict posted on a public forum...it's also about respect. working on them privately and respectfully is still working on them, right? there's your answer.

be safe,

kd

Here! Here! Brava!!

I can say that sincerely, since I've learned my lesson having been on the same receiving end. Some members and I, at one point some time ago, were allowed to carry on some "problem resolution" to quite an extent. It didn't work out and it hurt way too many people.

Down, you and I could easily have a problem with our avatars clashing. I could CHOOSE to take it personally but I CHOOSE to NOT allow it to be a problem for me. How easy is THAT??

Why do you have a picture of the Cross crossed out?

I personally hate seeing conflict in here. Not because I only want the warm and fuzzy, but when petty bickering is involved, it drives me crazy. There have been plenty of threads that have turned into debates, but where people have intellectually and maturely made there points - much like your post on this thread down. In this case, you didn't come running out of the gates, screaming and yelling. Unfortunatly though, that has happened, where people have just been downright mean. But I've only noticed those posts getting deleted after other members have complained about them. Since this site is support-based, I think the mods are keeping the delicate balance of everyone's different problems in mind. There have been plenty of threads that have contained nothing but conflict. (I'm actually glad there hasn't been much of that as of late) I've had to read plenty of arguments and bitterness. And I know it's up to me to read it or not, but sometimes I think people can't help themselves and read anyway, even though it may be traumatizing to them. That's why I believe the deleting of posts is only looking out for our best interests in this forum's attempt to support, not teach.

This is just my opinion on the topic. If only all misgivings were said as eloquently as you have, maybe there wouldn't be such a need to delete. I definetly think debate is a form of conflict resolution-expressing opinions and disagreements in a friendly way. Ok, loosing my train of thought here, I'll end this now. =)

I saved a copy to word of this thread. There are 21 missing responses due to the data loss.

member/posts missing
Down 2
eskie 1
__zh 2
kathyanita 5
Sweet_Crusader 4
fayerody 2
Sept 1
wants 1
Shar 1
CCL 1
DE 1

Personally, as a member not a moderator, I think there were some great responses to this thread and would like to know if anyone wants their posts added again.

member __zh

This thread was one of the first threads I thought of regarding the data loss. I think it's a great idea zh!

A Fuzzy Member

Hey zh,

you have permission to post mine again if you feel so inclined

that totally sucks about the data loss.... if you have my post saved can you please PM it to me? then i can repost it.

Seems the short answer is yes.

Angry enough to spit so i wont say more just now.

Post deleted by cottoncandylocks

I'm also waiting for my computer to be fixed so I have access to my files. In another post in General I lament my computer woes that happened this week. I am not working on my own machine at the moment and my files are not on this network so until my computer is back up we all wait.....

I am not going to post ppl's posts again. I will PM them to folks to do as they please with them. If you and others want to repost then groovy.

Patience please. I'm human too with a crappy broken computer and network woes.

I have not forgotten.

Post deleted by cottoncandylocks

I save threads to word docs because I rarely can stand reading long things on the monitor so I print them out if it is something I want to really gnaw on before responding. Guess that is a positive to my cognitive difficulties! and yes I am very glad I had saved this one as ppl's responses were very well thought out and gave me lots to think about.

I will send them in PM the very moment I have my blasted compy back.

I am not involved in any way with the following publication, I am not soliciting people to leave Psych Central, and I read the applicable part of the FAQs 3x before posting this. I don't think it violates any policy, but one never knows for sure, do one?

A new magazine, entitled Being makes various claims about its intention, including conflict resolution skills.

Here is their blurb, for the interested:

We are an invigorating, independent publication committed to transforming media to a source of empowerment and inspiration.

We publish stories that inspire people to take action for positive change. Our magazine is a bold contribution to the tapestry of global peace and a gift to each and every reader.

# Editorial focus is on ways of being that inspire and empower: Effective communication
# Conflict resolution skills
# Compassionate, humanistic values
# Positive, constructive belief systems
# Personal and social responsibility

We have a clear and positive vision, combined with the commitment to produce high-quality transformative content.

Each subscription makes a difference.

Give the gift of BEING to a friend. It's a brilliant way to acknowledge and contribute to them AND make a difference in the world.
# www.beingmagazine.com

Eternal Cat,

The bared cross in my present avatar represents the iconoclast part of me that sees religion as the most destructive political force in human history. I included it here to counter the many dozens of pro-religion avatars, screen names, signatures, posts, and comments that go completely unchallenged if even noticed here.

~Down

hows this for an avatar...
just as offensive to some people here as religious avtars.
true?
you know its true and the retarded thing is it will be commented about to no end.....
jesus christ people... theyre only opinions. we are all entitled to them, and this flag avatar i have up now (as of the date of this post) represents a need for us all to learn to deal with opposition and differing views, just like a pastel "fish" or a shiny cross may represent somone's view i disagree with...

hmmm..... i wonder how long it will take for me to be warned about MY avatar....

What does this flag represent to you CCL?

the tattoo on my ex- boyfriends arm, the relatives who died to fight in this battle, the sweet home of alabama....
america.at its finest

Thank you CCL. I was curious.

Hiya.

I have just picked up on this thread tonight. I guess I don't know the whole story (because part of it has been deleted etc) but it sounds to me like you are struggling with the very thing that I struggled with at this site.

This site is about support.
That is the main idea.
And so the rules are about keeping it safe and supportive.

And so threads get deleted if they are seen as distressing...
And threads get locked if they are seen as being likely to escalate...
And conflict is avoided
Deleted
Curbed
So the boards remain a safe place for people to support one another.

So.
If you are looking for support
And want a safe environment then this place is terrific.
I would highly reccomend it to anyone who was looking for that.

If you want to understand why people get upset
If you want to learn more about how to deescalate conflict situations yourself
If you want to learn more about how to have a controversial discussion without offending or upsetting others
If you want to learn to better manage your upset
Then that is beyond the scope of this site.

But there are other sites out there,
SItes that may be more along the lines of what you are looking for

Hug.
If you like.