honey.. i was so sad when i read how hard it was for you to send that first letter to your T.. i really felt that anguish.. boy, do i know that feeling.

you are so strong... that anguish brings people to their knees.. it's an awful thing but you withstood it and worked against it. THAT is awesome!

you've made a lot of steps... kicking and screaming all the way, but you made them

i just thought you'd like to hear that

(stop squirming... it's OK to feel good)

[chaotic13]

Mz J,
Thank you for acknowledging my progress. Trusting my T has been a hard concept for me to grasp. Now if I can only learn how to lower my guard a bit and allow myself to be a little vulnerable, I might actually resolve some of my issues. Disclosing details is one thing, talking about them and exploring how I really feel about stuff is another thing.

One key lesson I've learn since I've addressed (at least academically) my trust issue is that most of the oppression that I presently feel is coming from inside me not from others. I am the one who has major problems with what I am thinking, feeling, doing. I'm the one who is being judgmental and unaccepting of myself. I'm the one who is denying myself of happiness.

I am communicating better about some things. However on core issues I am still withholding a lot of things for fear that saying them will make me look bad, appear amoral, or expose the fact that I am a shallow, unloving, or selfish. My fear is not about what my T will think, it is more about admitting to another person that I feel this way about myself. I'm not sure if talking about how amoral or how selfish I am will help me feel any better about being that way.

I am moving slowly forward, but at least I am moving. Thanks for the encouragement.

haha... i am noticing imediately that you edited this.

you know sweetheart, i think you will find that when you get to the point at which you no longer worry, question or hold back from your T.. you will be pretty much "there"

i think this relationship IS your therapy. You think and work very hard.

(btw.. i dont care what you think about you.. *i* happen to think you are fab...no lie )

[chaotic13]

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Jello said:
i think this relationship IS your therapy.

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I think you're right, including the kicking, screaming, squirming.

Last session when I said, WTH I can see some progress but I just can't figure out how to get myself to speak comfortably in here. My T chuckle and made an off handed comment like 'well, yeah! that's because when you get comfortable with something I nudging you on to something else.' I think she finds my squirming slightly entertaining sometimes. Not my pain or anguish of course, I don't think she takes any joy out of that; just my physical squirming.

i understand that.. just recently my T was saying how he had planned to be away this one day but now wasn't going to be however his schedule had filled up and MY time slot was taken. i protested and he launched into his routine of how this wasn't anything about not wanting to see *me* etc etc... which i have to say is often required with me... but he was really being sincere and i just watched him for a moment or two and then this big grin broke across my face.. i said "this is amusing" and gestured to mean the squirming he seemed to be doing to make me feel like he hadn't deliberately penciled me out.

ha... poor guy

hmm... do you suppose that maybe she is nudging you before you feel comfortable? i have said that to T a few times. He says he never really knows until he does push.. and then he can see if it's too much or not.. and i sometimes have to say that i need to feel good about accomplishing something before i move again, while he likes to keep the ball rolling. Just wondering