I can't decide whether or not to go back.

I restarted seeing an old T about 6 months ago. I've only been seeing her periodically because I went on a vacation for three weeks in the winter and when I came back she kept suggesting another session in about 2 weeks. It's been just over a month since I've seen her last. I can't decide whether or not to go back.

I've been having a difficult time lately, but, unlike in the past, my depression has leant towards lack of interest, including a lack of interest in therapy, and inability to experience pleasure. It seems that the re-addition of an antidepressant to my Bipolar mood stabilizers, in response to my earlier depressed mood, did not improve things, and in my opinion made things worse. I am off the antidepressant now and my mood, interest and pleasure has improved.

I'm also worried about relapse, and I'm aware that I'm only in partial remission. It's even possible that the improvement is only based on the increased family contact of Easter. Once it's over, will the improvements last? Perhaps if I socialize with friends it will maintain, but I think my social anxiety will get in the way. I know all the things that I have to do: exercise, eat right, work, play, learn, socialize. And I do the bare minimum.

I need some therapy, but I cannot decide whether or not to return to my old T. I am not sure we're working on the same goals, but I am not sure what goals would be most helpful and following her may be the best choice. However, I am still hurt she said, when I restarted seeing her, to limit a goal of mine to become a psychologist. The stress is too much. It is right now, lack of education notwithstanding, but that doesn't mean it always will be beyond my limits. Isn't it her job to help me achieve my goals, not limit them? Tell me that I am limited right now, but don't tell me I will always be.

I am, or will be shortly, on the waiting list for an 18-month evening therapy program, my psychiatrist is referring me to, with group, family and individual therapy sessions. I'm tempted to wait until then, but it will likely take 3 months and I need to add structure to my life, connect to friends, and decide, at least a short time, job plan.

I would take what your T says as an "educated opinion" rather than personally, that you're no good or will have a limited life, etc.

One of my best friends decided to become a psychologist but the science was too much (chemistry, etc.) and she accepted that and became a social worker. Work on your education and you can be the judge in a few years when you have some of the education, etc.

But right now, all you have is someone in the field who knows what it takes and how hard it is and their opinion, from where they're sitting :-) is that it's more difficult than they think you can manage right now; and you have to start working right now to do something like that. The education is grueling. Trying and being disappointed in mid-education that you couldn't do it would be far worse for me, I think. I would have been grateful for some advice from a professional when I was in school.

I would go see your T and talk to her about your problem of being hurt by your belief she was seeing you as limited instead of feeling helpful. I think she very much would want to know that. Perhaps she can explain things to you in a way that you won't see as hurtful? I think the longer you stay away from seeing her the more inertia will get you and that's never good.

It's not that she thinks I can't do the education. She just thinks I shouldn't be a psychologist.

> when I came back she kept suggesting another session in about 2 weeks.

How forcefully did she suggest that? Is she telling you that she thinks it would help, but that the decision is actually, really yours?

> She just thinks I shouldn't be a psychologist.

Well, maybe she thinks that. In particular, what is it about being a psychologist that she thinks would not be good for you (or for psychology)?

Maybe you can be a psychologist anyway, without being a "professional" one. Maybe you can make that decision later when you know better what you really want.

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Merlin said:
However, I am still hurt she said, when I restarted seeing her, to limit a goal of mine to become a psychologist. The stress is too much.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Merlin, do you mean that she thought the profession of psychologist was too stressful for you? People can work on coping mechanisms to help them with stress. Does she think that is beyond your capability? It seems like her comment is getting in the way of a strong relationship with her. You're hurt, you don't agree with her, her comments are disempowering or annoying or not welcome. I think you need to work this out with her or it will be hard to continue. Maybe she didn't mean you couldn't be a psychologist ever, but that the stress of studying would be too much for you right now?

I'm not sure where you are in your education, but if you don't have your undergraduate degree yet, you can certainly work on getting your B.S. in Psych without having committed to be a psychologist/therapist. Not everyone with an undergrad degree in Psych becomes a practicing psychologist, there are many different career options. For example, you could work in Human Resources at a company. A friend of mine who has a psych degree works at a hospital and is a testing expert, administering tests of cognitive function to people with head injuries. So it is really not necessary to decide yes or no that you will definitely be a psychologist while you are working on the undergrad degree. (Again, if you already have your first degree, ignore that point!) Also, I don't believe that working on a bachelor's degree in Psych is any more stressful than one in Business or Biology or Mechanical Engineering. Anyway, my point is that if you have not done college yet, you needn't decide now what your final future job will be. Just work on the degree in psych, and when you graduate, you can see where your mental health is at and you can explore all the options that are a good fit for you.

I intend to explore all the options, such as social work or psychiatric nursing. I just preferred my pdoc's response when I asked him whether or not he thought I could/should be a T (it was right after T's response and I was still hurt) and he said he couldn't like to tell patients what they can't/shouldn't do.

I really need to talk to T about it, but I don't want to bring it up. I'll resent her till I do.

I trust her, more than anyone except my mom, my dad and my pdoc so I probably could go through therapy with her if I could get past this. I wish I could just pretend she didn't say it or that my passions didn't lead me to a career that could harm patients if I relapse and couldn't cope, and I'm not even in full remission right now.

I guess I should just pick up the phone and make the call to book an appointment. May I'll book them every week till I get into the evening program. Then I can say I would rather see her sooner and already have something booked.

I think booking an appointment to see her at least until you get into the evening program is a good idea, and I would definitely bring up how upset you were at her comment. Otherwise - it's going to be a barrier to honest communication.

I wouldn't let anyone's opinion hold you back. Remember Kay Ramsfield Jamieson is biopolar and went on to become a very successrul psychologist and med school teacher. Having a mental illness may make things harder, but it doesn't have to make them impossible.

--splitimage

I booked 4 appointments in April and I am seeing her this Thursday. I am uncertain and uncomfortable. Since part of what we are working on is what career I wish to pursue, I intend to ask her whether or not she thinks I can become a psychologist (presuming I get the needed education) with adequate psychotherapy and pharmacotherapy. That way I will know what she thinks as opposed to believing I know what she thinks (a cognitive distortion).

I need to know she supports me in reaching my goals in all areas of my life before I can risk the psychotherapy. I want to reach my limits and then expand them and I want to overcome obstacles then avoid them. I want help doing so and I need to trust her to provide that and she needs to be worthy of that trust.

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Merlin said:
I booked 4 appointments in April and I am seeing her this Thursday. I am uncertain and uncomfortable. Since part of what we are working on is what career I wish to pursue, I intend to ask her whether or not she thinks I can become a psychologist (presuming I get the needed education) with adequate psychotherapy and pharmacotherapy. That way I will know what she thinks as opposed to believing I know what she thinks (a cognitive distortion).

I need to know she supports me in reaching my goals in all areas of my life before I can risk the psychotherapy. I want to reach my limits and then expand them and I want to overcome obstacles then avoid them. I want help doing so and I need to trust her to provide that and she needs to be worthy of that trust.

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If only we could ALL go in to therapy with that frame of mind. You have my vote! You sound like a young woman who's prepared to do what you need to do to face your challenges head on.

tulips

Actions speak louder than words, so I hope I can do what is necessary to heal. I'm sick and tired of living the life I am living. Changing it seems the best way, rather than other ways I've tried.