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#1
Mar 31, 2008, 09:22 AM
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somewhere he managed to shift things
a quick glance at his watch and 'our email interactions seem quite different from our ftf interactions' 'really? in what way?' can't remember the answer now... can't remember... dammit. i reflect on the sessions... try and find the meaning... thats not a criticism i know i'd been thinking of something that i was going to ask but i decided i wouldn't blush but i guess i am blush 'if you could pick for me to talk about anything at all... then what would you pick' mumble mumble... this. lets talk about this. lets talk about why it is hard to talk. cringe. numb. mental numb. cringe. lets not talk about that. heavy. sinking through the floor. heavy sadness and i just want to cry. does that make a session meaningful? whats meaningful anyway? what is the meaning of meaning? words slide slip meaning slips and slides can't catch it can't grab it just a fleeting feeling that something was meant to be significant and then its gone. bf tried to talk to me. i can't talk sometimes. can't. email is better. better by email. so much better by email. i was never meant to have a body. the disembodied typer is me. though he does have sexy hands... |
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#2
Mar 31, 2008, 08:03 PM
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(((alex))))
__________________
Parce que maman l'a dit 
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#3
Mar 31, 2008, 08:06 PM
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((((((((((u)))))))))))))))
Jbug
__________________
I appreciate long walks especially when taken by people who annoy me. Noel Coward |
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#4
Mar 31, 2008, 09:07 PM
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(((((((((Alex)))))))))))
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#5
Mar 31, 2008, 09:57 PM
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and he used to be directive
and i was resistent 'i try to talk to you about things that i find significant and you think i'm avoiding you judgmental prick what makes you think that you have some special insight into what is most meaningful for me?' and it took him some time to get it but get it he did and he backed off. and i talked to him. i told him about bob and the boards i told him about my work and my supervisors i told him about recurring interpersonal themes i told him about my rage and things have settled rather. and i'd been worrying that things weren't really meaningful. how come? what was missing? maybe it was the emotion or maybe it was the lack thereof. so i allowed myself to get a little wound up. but that didn't seem particularly meaningful either. so... 'if you could pick for me to talk about anything... anything at all - what would it be?' you don't have to answer (maybe the question is intrusive) i won't necessarily talk about that (you don't have to worry about being intrusive) but... what... ? 'lets talk about why it is hard to find something to talk about' isn't it obvious... i worry about bad theory... i worry about the theory that therapy should do this and then that and then the next thing i worry about the theory that things have to get much worse before they get much better i worry about the theory that values talking about x and y but doesn't value talking about z i worry about the theory that makes you ask 'was i sexually abused?' 'was i sexually abused?' till like a hunter on the last day of the hunt like a hunter asking himself repeatedly 'is it a deer?' 'is it a deer?' shoots his best friend in a neon jacket. i worry about the theory that requires events of 'objective sickening severity' in order to traumatic experiences to be considered legitimate. i worry about the theory that requires one to identify with being the victim in order for one to get better. i worry about the theory that would have me: - identify trauma - identify abusers / persecutors and would have me foster rage against them - identify with being a victim in order for me to get better. i see so many... so many... therapists lead them down the path with the best of intentions. so many... who need to be hospitalized along that path whose functioning disintegrates along that path whose disintegration is judged to be 'necessary' to be 'progress' i don't believe it i don't believe you are helping i believe you are hurting. no pain no gain. the myth of our culture. the myth of our sadomasochist culture 'my hurting you is justified for your own good' 'your being hurt is justified for your own good' just like exercise no pain no gain but in the exercise case its a myth and in the therapy case... its the biggest crock of %#@&#! the biggest lie the biggest manifestation of the pathology of society i've ever seen and i feel sick. |
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#6
Mar 31, 2008, 09:59 PM
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and so... where to from here? what is out path? what is our path going to be? how do we find a path that we are both happy on? what is missing? where to go? help me find a path... please... but i do have limits, i do have boundaries... i'm wary of the paths there are and i'm wary of the implications of different paths we might find ourselves on...
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#7
Mar 31, 2008, 10:01 PM
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and so whats our theory? whats our theory going to be?????
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#8
Mar 31, 2008, 10:11 PM
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Ian Hacking tells a story.
He tells a story about how dissociation got to be mixed up with the notion of abuse. It never used to be. But then all of a sudden, it was. And abuse was taken to be necessary Like how the existence of sunburn requires the existence of the sun. Child abuse. The concept came as an extension of a concern people were starting to have With the welfare of animals. Women who were involved in a society for the welfare of animals For the animals whose limbs were broken Started to think that it wasn't really okay To break the limbs of children either. There was no homosexuality in greek culture because they lacked the concept The meanings... The narratives... Involved in Greek men having sexual relations with adolescent males Has very different meanings and narratives from the way we understand that now. And sexual relations... Sexual relations between priests, older men, fathers And their virgin daughters Had different meanings and narratives from what it has now. To cast these historic social practices as 'abuse' under our concept Is an exercise in concept and cultural imperialism Its not really fair... A concept that used to apply to the broken legs of infants Got extended such that men can't really change the nappys of their infant daughters (or sons) Not on the nappy comercials on TV at any rate. A concept that used to apply to the broken legs of infants Got extended such that grandfathers can't really pick up their grandchildren from school even less cuddle them in public. The meanings and narratives that we use to understand Or misunderstand the stories we tell ourselves... That people believe is necessary. not just for OUR getting better but for THEIR getting better if we don't buy into this narrative then what? what? justifies their distress? Oh the perils of focusing on events On ones friend in the neon jacket understood as a deer Because the focus on ones experiences... Is too... Traumatic. And the majority of therapists Similarly do not understand. And if they do not understand... Then how can they help? Look... There is a deer over there... See it? |
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#9
Mar 31, 2008, 10:30 PM
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__________________
I am larger and better than I thought. I did not know I held so much goodness. - Walt Whitman |
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