Trigger warning for talking about sexual abuse.

I CRIED today.

I went into the office, and my T has known for a week and a half I've been upset over a certain memory surrounding sexual abuse by a family member.

I take *forever* to open up, and rarely do so in session. But this was eating me on the inside. I needed to talk, and she knew it. We turned down the lights, and she let me use her super soft blanket, and lay down on the couch.

She knew the basics of what was going on, and was helping me relax and very gently helped me retell the flashback/nightmare that has been haunting me day and night. Slowly, I began to share.

I took my glasses off and rubbed my eyes and told her "I don't want to cry". She got me kleenex (the good kind! with the lotion! lol) and told me it was ok to cry and the amazing part is I DID. And while crying I slowly told her bits and pieces of the memory, drifting partly into the memory but letting her be my safe anchor to keep me from regressing into it.

It's the first memory that really hit me like a ton of bricks about being molested as a child, and really understanding what that meant and how it made me feel.

I told her I thought it'd be different. Like I'd feel wonderfully better all the sudden, but right now I feel worse, having to go through it. She was very empathetic and understanding.

At the end, I stood up and I felt the meaning of the psychology phrase of "Wow, I'm ok, you're ok". I had this inner fear that my world would come crashing down. That it would be I'm not ok, T's ok, or I'm not ok, T's not ok because I'm bad.

It was very exhausting, but I had a huge sense of relief. Then laughed to myself while going to the parking lot I thought "Same time next week?"

[kimmydawn]

Wow, what a great T and how brave you are in your desire to work through as you can. This says so much about you and about your T. What a feel-good.

I know how draining, but also the relief and anything else we might feel to get though it, is. You're not alone there.

Thank you so much for sharing and I wish you more than well as you continue.

KD

[Onion]

Wow, that is really something and congratulations! I can hear your relief.

[Flowerb]

I have this whole rant I make about life is not an ABC afterschool special - you don't just open up and then feel all better - everyone hugs and we are done. I so wish therapy worked that way.

My therapist talks often about needing a witness as we go back through what happened. He admits some of it is really hard to hear but he always says he can handle it and he is sad for me, not mad at me. And as hard as those sessions are, they are healing overtime.

And those tears? They've waited a very long time to come out. So let them - it is time. There is no shame in crying. A friend told me that some tears come from such a deep place that they are rain on the soul - which helps clean things and allows new things to grow.

[MissCharlotte]

(stormy)

I think this was a huge step rather than a small one. I think it took me over a year to cry in T's office.

And tissues WITH lotion == lucky you!!

Take gentle care.

[Kiya]

((((((((stormy!!)))))))

[chaotic13]

I think this is a big step also. I've reached my maximum exercising heart rate, likely had my BP go off the scale, and dry heaved in the parking lot after a session, but I haven't been able to release my emotions in a session. The weird thing is..this bothers me. Makes me feel like I am not really engaging, because if I was, I should be crying a lot.

I'm glad you were able to push through your inhibition and let your emotions flow.

Definitely a big step. I just really cried for the first time in front of T and this was after two and a half years. You are very brave to explore what happened to you in front of T. It is a big step to allow her to see this part of you. It also speaks a lot for the amount of trust you have in your T. Great work.

Thank you so much for all the positive responses to a very difficult and emotional session.

I see my T tomorrow (Monday) to read her a more indepth writing I did on that specific memory, as well as an assignment she gave me - to write an angry letter to my abuser who did it.

I've been crying all weekend over it all because of how hard it all hit me. My T had said that the crying will likely come in waves once the door was opened.

I'm thinking tomorrow may be another one of the crying days - in a way, I hope it is.

[chaotic13]

I'm just curious about your homework assignment. Why were you asked to write an angry letter to my abuser? Did your T just want to provide you with a venting activity to prevent you head from exploding between sessions? Or is the purpose something different?

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
mckell13 said:
I'm just curious about your homework assignment. Why were you asked to write an angry letter to my abuser? Did your T just want to provide you with a venting activity to prevent you head from exploding between sessions? Or is the purpose something different?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">McKell, I don't know the reason for stormyangel's homework, but I have been asked before by my T to write a letter to someone from my past. It helps give closure and you get a chance to tell them what you weren't able to back then. It can be kind of analogous to "the empty chair" from Gestalt therapy, where you face an empty chair, pretend the person from your past is there, and talk to him/her. Can release a lot. And give you a chance to say what you never got to stay. Very powerful. When I wrote my letter, it helped me a lot. (Mine was a good-bye letter telling a special person how much he had meant to me.)

stormy, that sounds like a really hard assignment. If you're not able to do the homework in time for tomorrow, that's OK. There is always next week. Yes, once the door is opened, it can be a flood. Hang in there.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
mckell13 said:
I'm just curious about your homework assignment. Why were you asked to write an angry letter to my abuser? Did your T just want to provide you with a venting activity to prevent you head from exploding between sessions? Or is the purpose something different?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I think it was a way to vent and open up with her by having me bring it to therapy and also a way to get a chance to say all the things I've needed to say since I was a child but never got the chance. It allowed me a way to imagine him in my presence and tell him what he did to me and how I felt about it all in a safe place and manner.

I went and saw her yesterday and read the letter assigned to my abuser. I did fine up until the middle of it and started crying yet again. I couldn't believe it. I was kind of angry at myself because I felt out of control, but at the same time was thinking "Thank you". It's been so long since I've cried or felt anything about my abusive past.

My T was supportive and gentle as always. She came up beside me and squeezed my shoulder which helped me SO much from dissociating it all. She also brushed my hair back with her hand, which helped just remind me she was there and it was safe.

I thought I had gotten out of reading a portion of the hardest part of the letter because of the way she said something, but that wasn't the case. I asked her "So I can just skip this part, yeah?" She was like "Uh, no, I'm gonna be "mean" today." She doesn't have a "mean" fiber in her body but she wasn't gonna let me off that easy. Damn.

I hope this crying doesn't become a pattern. Though it's very much a relief when it's all over and done with, DURING it sucks. Though I suppose if I were to cry with anyone, I'd want it to be with her - she's the only one that can seem to just let me cry it out and not panic at me doing so, trying to console me. I need to just sob it out right now. But it's so exhausting!

It makes me feel so very small and I wanted so bad just to ask "Will you hold me?" But I couldn't get myself to do so. I KNOW she would if I asked but I just can't get myself to be so vulnerable in front of her yet.

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((((((hugs!!!))))))))))))))))))))