[Pingu]

Hi,

I went back to my therapist last week after about a gap of 3 years when things had sort of broken down between us. I have been feeling pretty bad lately and went back out of desparation. I was also scared to go back but don't know what else to do. I am very shy and find it difficult to talk and say things or even be able to put these horrible feelings and things into words. She is asking me what I want out of therapy and maybe more importantly if I am willing to work with her? I don't know if it is just me but I am having a hard time trying to comprehend what that means and can't give a straight up answer. I can't give her an answer. I can't say yes and mean it or even say no as I simply don't know. Each time she asks I feel pressured by it and like I need to prove something to her. I've been asking her what she wants me to do and basically from what I can understand from it is she wants me to talk to her? That's what I am trying to do. It isn't easy for me and when things start going around in my head it makes it ten times worse. Initially when she asked me what I want out of therapy, deep down is something that I want from her, I want her to be there for me and care about me. I want her to understand what I am going through. But I don't know if she truly can. I don't know if there is any point in me going to therapy. I don't see much point in a lot things. I've to go back and see her next week and I am afraid it is going to turn out the same as before with her asking me this question and it is like an ultimatum which I don't have the answer and I don't want to answer.

[Rapunzel]

That's a hard place to be. I relate to your discomfort because I have had a hard time answering questions like that too. I think sometimes it takes a while to find those answers because they are deep inside and when you feel on the spot and pressured, you can't dig in and search your feelings. But the answers might come to you later. I think that some of your answers may have come to you when you sat down to write this post, because some of what you wrote would answer your T's questions. Maybe you could share what you wrote with her. Especially this part:

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Initially when she asked me what I want out of therapy, deep down is something that I want from her, I want her to be there for me and care about me. I want her to understand what I am going through. But I don't know if she truly can. I don't know if there is any point in me going to therapy. I don't see much point in a lot things. I've to go back and see her next week and I am afraid it is going to turn out the same as before with her asking me this question and it is like an ultimatum which I don't have the answer and I don't want to answer.

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Share the uncertainties too. That you don't know if she can understand you and be there for you, and that you aren't sure you see the point in it, but that you are desperate for some relief from your depression. Ask her what you will need to do to get better. Then you will have a better understanding of what she expects of you and what you can expect from her.

[ECHOES]

It sounds like you might be feeling there is a hidden message or motive to her questions. I think this speaks to trust which you and she will work on again. Tell her how you feel about her asking. It's could be a great therapy discussion

Have you asked her the same question about working together?

It sounds like you want to work with her and that's why you went back to her. That could give you your answer to her question about that.

When I met with my T the first time she said she meets with a person several times to see if she and the person could work well together. I was a wreck the first several sessions wondering if she was evaluating me in that way and finally I asked if she had decided! She had decided right off that we would work together well (and I think that was a way to give me room and time to see what I thought about working with her and that it would be okay if I chose someone else) She was sorry I had been feeling so anxious about it.

What I want out of therapy is similar: to feel better, to feel like I have someone in my corner, to learn and grow.

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what I want out of therapy, deep down is something that I want from her, I want her to be there for me and care about me.

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That's your answer here, and it's okay to tell her this when you talk to her.

I hope you'll keep going and talking about these things with her. You're just getting started on this round of therapy and the awkwardness will settle down and it will become the safe and comforting place of your wishes.

[Kiya]

Pingu, i never knew what to say to that question either. the last 2 t's i just finally said I still have yet to answer that. and it was fine. The next one i can't answer is "how can I support you?" I don't know! They're the professional! Freaks me out. I do a lot of writing since I have a hard time talking, Maybe you can write out some of the things that are upsetting you? and then take them into her?

hope next week goes better! kiya

[Perna]

It's hard to learn to look inside yourself for what you want and know that it is only there, cannot be outside of you (in your therapist) because you are the only constant in your relationships with life. You have to look at what you "want" and feel and work from the inside out.

"Can you work with me" is a necessary question for a T to ask as they don't want their time wasted anymore than they want to waste yours or your money! If you don't like her, don't like the way she does things, then she probably isn't the T for you or therapy might not be what you want now, etc. But only you can answer that, no one can look inside you and figure that out for you.

My T use to remind me constantly, "all we have is words" in the relationship. That's all therapy is, words. You learn how various words make you feel, how to fit certain feelings to their words/meanings, how to put words together so another person can understand you and how to talk to yourself so you can communicate better with your inner self/voice. It's a bit like school, doesn't matter if the teacher loves or hates you, they just have to be willing and able to teach you about words and using them in relationship with yourself and others. It's hard work though learning all that. If you don't have "many" words or don't know how to use them (some of my problem), it's a slow process gradually learning them and associating them with the proper feeling and figuring out what you're feeling and expressing that in words, etc. But you have to be willing to do all that with this person.

The therapist doesn't do anything in the same sense that you will be doing. It's your life and therapy, not your therapist's. You have to reach out for it, they do not hand it to you in any sense. They can only teach you what you are willing to learn. Think about when you were in elementary school and the subjects you didn't "get" well or like (science) and that's kind of what therapy is like. You have to work to make sense of what doesn't make sense at first. But in addition, you have to try to figure out if it doesn't make sense because you have a horrible teacher who doesn't know how to get on your wavelength, doesn't know if you're a visual or audio or kinetic learner or whether it is some perceptive thing in you that is standing in your way. That's the puzzle for both you and your T; how to present what you "don't get" so you finally get it. But your T might not be good at understanding your emotional learning style (which she should be able to tell if she's good at "you" or not) or you might not be good at learning what she is trying to teach, the ways in which she is trying to teach it. There's nothing "wrong" or "bad" about that, but that's the first order of business -- can you talk to this person?