difficult question

Everysince my Mother died of cance, l, I have had a very difficult questions that had been going through my mind. It is one that I haven't heard before. The type of cancer my Mother had was vulvar cancer. It was squamus cell cancer which is a skin cancer which showed up on her vulvar. When she finally went to the Dr about it, she told me that a couple of months before she thought is was just a cyst about the size of a small marble. When she finally went into the Dr to have it checked which she said was oly 2 months later, what she thought was the cyst was the size of my fist. Mine you, the vulvar is between the womans leg which is obvious everytime you go to the bathroom. Just before she died, her surgeon told me that there was no way that type of cancer could have grown that quickly & that she had just ignored taking care of herself.

I remember the many times I had actually attempted suicide & she would get so mad at me for having attempted it, being a "sin". My question is that she had to know that what she thought was a cyst & was growing like it did & she just didn't want to do anything about it because she thought that if she would need a surgery, it would interfear with her driving test she needed to to in order to get her drivers license. What an excuse for something that was growing to that size (& it was't something that wasn't ovbious daily everytime she went to the bathroom). How can her ignoring the growth that went from the size of a small marble to the size of my fist be considered anything other than ignoring what she had to realize was cancer which was something she told me about a lump I had felt in my breast. I immediately took action to verify that I didn't have cancer & yet, she ignored something as serious as what was going on with her. I know I am judging her actions in the same way she judged my actions but it is a question that I can't get out of my head. I read a Christmas letter she had written about how lucky she was that the cancer hadn't grown past her groin area (that in itself was serious). How was her ignoring her problem any different than intentionally overdosing on pills. I can understand cancer which is not obvious & intenal where the tumor is not obvious, but when it is somewhere you daily can keep track of it.....just doesn't make sense to me & feels to me that it was no different than choosing it as suicide. I know this is probably a very cotroversial subject but is has been a question that has been running through my mind for quite a while now. I brought it up in the partial hospital program I am in & there was no answer......which I am sure there really isn't an answer, only opinions.

Just questions that run through my mind,
Debbie

That is a very difficult question.......many may not have anything to say, because of it's complexity. Which is understandable.

I had to think of this for a sec, and kind of set myself back into the state of mind I was in after my grandmother passed away from liver and pancreatic cancer. It was a very confusing time for me. I experienced giving life to my daughter, then seeing my Grandmother pass away 3 weeks later. It was a little tough to fathom, all I wanted was an explanation as to why this happened, who's fault is it, could I have done something differently, and was there a chance that she could have survived? I always asked myself those questions. I think it's natural for people to want to know what could have been different.

For awhile I was actually angry at my Grandmother. She was a chain smoker, and lived a very unhealthy lifestyle. I would say to myself, "if she valued her life, she would have changed herself". I'd also say, "if she doesn't value her own life how could she value anybody else's, like mine for example".

Now if I was to place myself in your mothers shoes, and I discovered something strange and abnormal going on down there, I probably wouldn't have given it a second thought. Then if it were to continue growing and changing, I think I would be in denial about it. I probably have considered it a cyst to. Some people react to those sorts of things differently. It's understandable. Vulvar cancer isn't as discussed of it's awareness like breast cancer is. Maybe her lack of knowledge on the awareness could have been the cause. You never can know.

It's okay to question what happened, and what her exact intentions were. I know her neglecting the situation seems kind of hypocritical, because of the way she reacted when your life was in question. But as a mother myself, I can tell you that my children's lives matter to me more than my own life.

This is of course just my opinion. Your right when you say this question could be a controversy. But that's what where here for, to be open minded.

I hope I could have given meaningful insight, and I hope you reach your peace, however it may be.

Desirae

((((eskie)))) I know you have suffered since your mom's passing so much. I can never answer that question for you but we are here for you. Maybe you are also starting to go thru the anger stage of grieving, the questions and I think that is perfectly normal.

eskie, my thoughts on your mom's cancer are that she was in deep denial about the growth of the tumor. imagine the feeling that she would have had walking, much less peeing.

my ex had a woman come to him with breast cancer so bad that she had a huge open wound. he was horrified and she told him that she was so scared that she had cancer that she just went into denial and refused to admit to herself and her family how bad the disease was. when she wound became too large for her to manage (bandages, etc.) she went to my ex. of course it was too late. he couldn't do anything for her.

so i think if you could look at it as denial AND fear, it might help you. we never can get into anyone else's mind and you will never know what she was thinking or feeling. it's okay to be pissed about it. just lean into it and process it and i think you will have made it through another stage of your grief. love, pat

It may not be that your mother waited on purpose because she knew what it was. I had cancer in my stomach. No it couldn't be seen from the outside but I knew something was wrong. I couldnt keep food down, nothing tasted good to me, I was so tired, my stomch hurt all the time, eat it hurt dont eat it hurt. I knew this had nothing to do with my depression and it had nothing to do with my anerexia, I knew some thing major was wrong. But there was no way I was going to have it checked out. I even managed to skip out of a med check appointment because I knew my doctor would be taking blood tests. It wasn't that I didn't care - I had a much bigger fear driving me - I had been raped while in a mental health unit. Entering a hospital just to go see my friend after she had her babies sent me running for the nearest bathroom in feeling dizzy and panicy and the need to puke. How was I going to make it through whatever needed to be done in a hospital to cut whatever this thing in my stomach turned out to be. The thought and fear of being in a hospital was all consuming. I went from 155 pounds down to 108. My sons therapist was making comment of - dont exercise to much more you will blow away with the wind. My hair was falling out from lack of nutrician The DHS case worker was in her own world of either not noticing the bald spots and my being tired was absolutely estatic that I had lost so much weight and told me keep up the good work, my therapist finally told me "thats it either you go to this upcoming med check or I will take you. Something is going on here and you are dying before my eyes, and I am not going to let you go. So spill it whats going on?" I told her about what little I could remember of the rape and my fears of being locked up again. She told me if I went to the doctors and if it turned out to need more then my normal doctors help she would go with me every step of the way. No one was going to lock me up let alone rape me again with her at my side. I went to the next med check and my bloodwork turned up abnormal like I knew it would. a colonoscopy/endoscopy was planned. I flat out paniced and refused to go. My therapist made me schedule the intake appointment with the referal doctor. and on the day of the appointment she called and told me she was going to be at that doctors office at this time and if I wasn't there she was going to come pick me up and we would sit there all afternoon if needed but I was going to attend an intake appoinmnet with the gastroenterologist. The whole bus ride I was puking in someones plastic bag from fear. I made it through that appoinment only because of my therapist. then she was right there and did most of the talking needed to schedule the procedures. The day of the following three endoscopies and one colonoscopy that therapist was at my door because she knew left up to me that fear would prevent me from having the procedures done. She drove me to those procedures, sat in the waitng room and then was right there when I was coming out of the procedures. It was only thanks to her that I was diagnosed for cancer and went through the treatment for it. Otherwise I would be dead right now. A phobia like my fear of hospitals prevents millions of people every day from getting the treatment they need to keep them alive. It isn't that they want to die or are ignoring what is going on. When a person has a phobia they get physically ill to the point of passing out cold at just the thought of that fear, so they take care of themselves as best they can and avoid whatever that phobia is. To me my phobia of hospitals is like asking someone deathy afraid of snakes and spiders to stand in a 50 foot deep 3 feet wide dark pit with no way out with terranchulas and boa constrictors and rattle snakes that havent been fed and milked for months. I have an endoscopy in 8 months and I have already informed my friends I am not going to it. they all say well its a ways off, lets not worry about it until it comes up. They can not worry about it - me Im not going.

I think that the sense that someone really important in your life has been hypocritical is one of the hardest things. You felt your life was not worth living at times, and instead of someone engaging with that you just got condemnation. Then that person ignores the threat to their own life, and just irresponsibly lets that happen. It's not a sin to feel that life is not worth living sometimes - I think it's quite natural, and if we're allowed to have those thoughts and feelings we are probably more healthy, and won't actually act upon them. If you've got someone in authority over you telling you what to feel and think, it's not so good, and that person may well be in so much "denial" about the inbuilt tragedy of life, they could kill themselves without anybody (least of all themselves) knowing about it. I think too that we all take our time accepting decrepitude and stuff, but that's a separate thing. i just want to say to you at this time, it's OK to be in a difficult place, it's OK to feel in conflict - I try to put a big cuddle round my blackest thoughts and memories.

((((((((eskie)))))))) I've often heard that some women put off going to the doctor to have serious things checked out because they are so afraid to know the truth. It sounds like this could have been a possibility for your mom.

i dont think theres any way to know for sure what your mom was thinking, but i thought you should know that sometimes, facing health problems is a very frightening thing, and we dont always do whats best. i've been fighting cnacer for years now, and because it involves my reproductive system, and i'm not yet ready to sacrifice my fertility, i have chosen, continually, the least aggressive forms of treatment. and so it comes back, again and again. i go to the doctor four times a year for checkups. the last time i went they found something, and they scheduled a biopsy. i cancelled. not once, but three times. i know i have a lot of problems right now, and i'm a long ways from happy, but i dont consider myself suicidal. i'm scared. and i imagine your mom was too. its not a desire to hurt ourselves that keeps some of us from seeking the treatments we so obviously need, but the fear of the unknown. the fear of the worst case scenario.
i think there are a lot of issues for people when it comes to doctors and hospitals and treatments.
for me, my fears of what i might face are compounded by ptsd. i cant be examined by a doctor without being sedated, and i still have flashbacks and nightmares for weeks after. my point is, what your mother did may not seem to make sense to you, but theres no real way to know where she was coming from. maybe she was afraid or embarassed, or something else entirely. please dont assume the worst. i dont think she meant to leave you in all this confusion. try to find some peace. feel free to pm me anytime. hugs.

eskie, I wish I knew the reason why your mom didn't take care of this sooner. Actually, I've often questioned why my mom did the same exact thing!

My mom had ignored signs of her sickness for probably 2 years. That's what my guess is. Although my mom's cancer was in her adrenal gland, she did have many signs that she was sick for some time. Like she had a lot of pain for some time. She thought it was just her gallbladder. The gallbladder is right next to the adrenal gland. Well, she put it off and put it off until she couldn't stand anymore. She let it go that long. She finally did go to the emergency room 2 weeks before she died from cancer. By then it had spread throughout her entire body, into her blood stream, and in less than 2 weeks after being diagnosed, it went to her brain.

I know that it's so hard to search for the truth when you will never get an answer. In my opinion, I think that your overdosing is much like your mom ignoring the cancer. That's my wholehearted opinion. I know that my opinion may not count for much, but it's as much of an answer as I think you'll get at this point.

Please try to find peace within yourself.

I am sorry I have not gotten back to responding to all or your responses. I appreciate all that you have had to say and all make much sense & as I feel, there really is no real answer & only she knows what went on in her mind to keep her from caring for herself.

I appreciate all of your responses & each one makes much sense along with the fact that you have gone through similar situations yourselves. It is a scarry situation. I remember once I realized I had a lump in my breast. I fought mentally with myself for a couple of weeks & then told myself that I had to know the answer whether I liked it or not & the longer I waited the worse off I could be & chose to go take care of it rather than wait. After I had the mammogram, I didn't get any response. Then I got worried if they had lost the information of what, then it was up to me to have to go after the answer & couldn't just wait for the Dr's response anymore. I was very lucky & was told that I was just lumpy (lol). That made me feel so much better.....but all the time I waited for the answer, I kept keeping track of the size of the lump, making sure that it wasn't getting any bigger....while I held my breath waiting for the answer.

It is scarry going through that stress of deciding to do something, then waiting, then when you don't get an answer & have to force yourself to get the answer......but I knew it was something I had to do...so I did it. I guess because I went through that myself was part of the reason I just couldn't understand how my Mother could be in the place she was in....& then to continually asking me when she was going to get better really put me in a difficult place when even the Dr's weren't honest with me.

I do appreciate all of your responses & it does help me feel better to hear what each of you have felt about similar situations & I appreciate the time you took to respond to me topic.
Thank you all & it helps me to hear others feelinge & Ideas about the subject.

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond, but life has become very difficult lately but I want you all to know how much I appreciate your responses.

Thank you,
Debbie

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

I am sorry you are hurting so over this matter.... all I can lend for comfort is to state that what she did probably had no ill intent to it (to your or her) - just plain old human nature..... we as humans often fail to take better care of ourselves until we are forced - many people are like this, men & women alike.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

I concur with a lot of the other postings. I have an amazing capacity for denial. Perhaps your mom did too.
As for suicide, I think that it is an attempt to stop the mental pain/anguish that someone is experiencing. I have never tried it but have thought of it. I have always felt that God understands our pain. I think God wants us to get help rather than commit suicide. However, I can't stand it when people try to condemn someone for it. It is an act of desperation not a premeditated murder of oneself. I help you will see that your attempt wasn't a sin or wrong. It was just a desperate attempt to deal with whatever issues you had at the time. I am also glad that you didn't succeed and hope that you reach out for help if you ever get the urge again.

eskie, I didn't mind that you didn't reply for some time. I think it's more important that I give you the support you need than for you to reply to my post here. I know how important it is to be supported and know that you are greatly appreciated here.

I agree with Ozzie too. It is horrible, but men are the same way. I know a lot of men in my family (my father included who had lung cancer) who refuse to go to the doctor until they are absolutely in horrible pain.

I am sorry for your loss, and please know we are here for you.