I have been a difficult person

Hi folks,

I wonder how many of us feel able to say "I have been a difficult person."

For most of my life I think that I couldn't say it. I just wanted to blame everyone and everything for my troubles. More recently I'm able to see that my own personality (albeit inherited) has upset and hurt quite a few people over the years. It has taken a lot of work to get those rough edges smoothed down.

I wonder, does anyone here want to admit to being a "difficult person"? It's not easy to do.

I would say that my hard edges were moodiness, quick temper and selfishness - quite a lot of smoothing to do!

What were your hard edges?

Cheers, M

I believe my most difficult trait has been getting hurt too easily and reacting to that in sometimes inappropriate ways...anger, avoidance, etc.

I've worked on this all my life and continue to work on it. I realize that there will always be people out there who get their kicks hurting others and even manage to seek out those who don't handle hurt well. I'm trying to spot them and avoid them while at the same time working on my reactions when someone does hurt me.

I've missed a lot of opportunities, relationships and fun because of my fear of being hurt. It has made me a difficult person for others to get to know.

I AM a difficult person right now. too many losses and not enough IRL shoulders to lean on. i'm cranky and withdrawn and a *****. i am very difficult right now. xoxox pat

I'm definitely a difficult person right now....and guess what?....I have no one to blame but me....and that makes me even more difficult......

Difficult traits? Hmm...I'm stubborn as an ox (must be cause I'm a Taurus), I always think I'm right, I'm avoidant, don't compromise too well with people (actually not good where communication is involved with other people at all), oh the list goes on and on. I guess I'm a lot like ozzie! I don't believe there is a thing as "constructive" criticism. To me it's just a nice way of saying that you're shitting on someone.

lexicon....I can tell you one wonderful trait...you're amazingly self aware...and that's awesome....hang in there (& try to change your mind about the "constructive criticism")...maybe it's just the term...how bout just "friends offering advice to friends"?
grace

I don't think I'm difficult...just not perfect. Anyone expecting better would do better to look elsewhere, I am what I am--accept it or don't. I don't change who I am to please people. *shrugs*

^5 Lexi, my fellow Taurean.

I am at times a difficult person.

I behave in difficult ways especially when I am in pain, when I feel cornered, when traumatized and triggered, and most especially when I am in a situation when I really should say the No I want to say but I'm not yet saying it.

I'm thinking especially of a past relationship with a specific boyfriend. I really needed to get out of the relationship, it was not healthy, but instead stayed, and certainly was not heavenly to live with at all times. It happens.

I'm pretty even tempered now and my life is set up so that I can have plenty of alone time which I need. So I'm probably not difficult to be with lately.

<font color="purple"> I actually dont have a hard time saying that I am a difficult person... I sometimes cannot stand myself and have no idea how my husband can stand me at times... I am not easy to live with or be around much of the time. My moods change so quick. I am short temepred, hold a grudge, stubborn, naive, irratable, and I could go on..... I tend to be more of these negatives at home, and outside home I am the people pleaser. WOW! now that is a new realization! </font>

Good grief,

All I can say is that we certainly have some maturity between us.

Ozzie, I feel closest to your description myself, and the 'hurt' feeling definitely underlies some of my worst overreactions. I do the anger and avoidance thing, and often both - as my angry reaction means I have to avoid the person after that!

Serenity,Yes, I think that people pleasing leads us into trouble as our resentment builds up because we are not being assertive and yet desperately want to be. Then we often take it out on our loved ones.

My feeling is that being able to admit that we have these features in ourselves has to be a good thing. I have known quite a few people who bring trouble to themselves and everyone around them and yet they would never admit to a single flaw! Unfortunately that position can be comforting to the individual and it's not easy to help them out of that spot.

The famous therapist ,Dr Wayne Dwyer, writes about learning to go through the world without entangling ourselves so much. If we don't feel threatened, then we don't have to react. That is a place I want to get to if I can. I think it' s about having some 'skin' and feeling comfortable inside it.

Cheers, M

PS - I have noticed that my daughter (who I always like to talk about!) can say some really challenging things to me and I don't react at all. I guess I love her so much that I have put her in a safe place where I am concerned. Wayne Dwyer talks about putting everyone in a safe place, which does sound pretty angelic to me. He's a lucky guy if it's really true.

Myzen, that really surprises me about you. At least since I first noticed you posting here, you've always struck me as someone who keeps a level head and who accepts their half of responsibility. You give such great advice to others and although I haven't really responded much, it's only because you've already said everything I would want to say, AND you articulate better than I do.

But to keep going with the topic... I don't think I'm particularly difficult. The main thing that I work on in therapy, though, is my relationship imbalance between my productivity style and my husband's. It bothers me more than it should to see people "relax"; I need to accomplish things and I get antsy if he's not following my style. He is at the extreme end of opposite of me in that regard, and it causes a lot of friction between us on our days off. My T is helping me learn to pick my battles better and to respect my husband's decisions on what to do with his free time, even if it's not what I would do.

I'm glad you posted this, and your able to admitt what part you take in your problems. That's really cool....acepting....a healing mechanism.

Anyway, it's hard to admitt, because I fear it will make the impression on who I am now. But discussing these things is healthy. Plus it's reality. I used to be this person, but I am now completely different.

When I was 14, I was very out of control, did drugs, had sex, stole, lied, I did anything to get what I wanted. I was very angry and disrespected everybody. I was mean and cruel to the people who were trying to help me, like my Grandma for example. It's memories I wish i could go back and change, yet I accept that that was then, and this is now.

I take responsibility for acting like a mean girl. But I do feel my anger originated from my mom abondening my sister and I. That and all the abuse and neglect we endured afterward. I blamed her for hurting for years. I know realize I could have made the best of my situation, and tried harder to be better than her. Instead I became her.

Anyway, that's my bad traits that I take responsibility for.
Thanks for posting this question.
Desirae

Hi Was lurking today as I find a need of late to connect so I found myself back at this site which has always been a lifesaver and I mean that in every way it can mean.... And to answer you question I can't say exactly what my edges are but there are way tooooo many of them and I will be first to admit that I AM A VERY DIFFICULT PERSON sometimes to be around... I know I am very strong willed and opininated which has led to a few clashes, but I very seldom will back down either if it is something I believe in strongly... I know I am a royal B*** at times and I am truly sorry to my DH for this on a daily basis even if I am not that way daily... I could go on but then no one would have time to read any thing else so I will quit for now and see you all later

I don't know that I agree with everyone who says they are or have been a difficult person... but that's just me? I figure you're talking about how the general populus considers you (me?) That wouldn't be a term I'd consider for me. It's a very heavy label, imo.

It has always taken some ppl more time to get to know me than others, but each one who did so said it was worth it. Now, I'm high maintenance, mainly due to my ...the way I am from the injury...

Rough edges? Sure. I used to take everything personally, as I am a sensitive person and care very much. I had trouble explaining myself to others. In fact, I stayed at psych central to "use" it to hone my social skills, which had diminished due to my isolation. I think I'm doing fairly well on this now, but need more "teflon" perhaps.

Hi folks,

LMO - You are too kind! I guess some people are born with maturity and others have to earn it the hard way - mine was the hard way.

Thinking about your other comments. Letting people be themselves is a big part of the process IMHO. I used to get irritated that my wife is a slow thinker. Now I'm glad she is different from me and I realise that I was jealous that she had an easier pace and I was always churning. I was just jealous of her peacefulness.

Desirae - I truly believe that young people get angry and resentful because of unhappiness. I think that resentfulness and happiness just don't mix.

So if I see a young person 'acting out' their anger I always wonder what is behind it. There is a good part in a Robin Williams film, it might be 'Good Will Hunting' where Robin Williams says to the angry teenager "It's not your fault; It's not your fault." Those words really got through to me when I thought of my own childhood. I had thought that everything was my fault, every bit of it.

Sorry I haven't replied to everyone, but I don't want to take over the whole thread.

Good thoughts, M

I'm awfully difficult.

i am finally starting to accept that i have been a difficult person, and still am. i will admit that i've blamed many failed relationships on other people, on the fact that they couldn't accept me the way i am. i know now that there are things i have control over, that i can change, and if i care enough i should make the effort.
my rough edges. . . i am so afraid of being hurt, of caring about someone more than they care about me, of falling or being in love, that i sabotage things. i become cold and distant, and eventually find myself alone again. i am quick to feel anger and resentment, and i don't trust people even after they've proved themselves trustworthy. no doubt theres more, but those are the first things that come to mind.

LMO

I'm never surprised by people being different in the flesh to what they are in cyberspace. People who can't get on with others in real life fare much better on the internet because they are, to a great extent, anonymous.

Yes, the internet can be a terrific refuge and comfort for people who would otherwise feel isolated in their personal relationships.

I myself adore email contact with, say, old school friends, but never look forward to actually meeting them again. Am I weird?

And, it's easy for us to give good advice to others (especially when you can't see them) but very difficult to act on that advice ourselves. We know the right thing to do, the correct ways to treat friends and family or deal with our problems but will often overreact impulsively without thinking them through.

Those are my thoughts on the subject, for what they are worth.

FG

FG - could you elaborate on what part of my post did or didn't surprise you?

But I do know what you mean about old friends in real life vs in cyberspace. I think I'm a bit lazy, because I love to IM or email with old friends to catch up, but I'll let their phone calls go to the answering machine if they call. I'm not a phone girl. I'd love to see my old friends who live in other parts of the world, but I'm not doing a whole lot to visit them. :\

Hi folks,

Hi Funnygirl,

I think you make a valid point that there is a difference between communicating on the internet as opposed to 3d. Maybe it would make a good thread subject, if we haven't covered it here before.

I feel that PC is a focussed support forum, where we can share things that we don't discuss with our 3d friends. I think there is a limit to what I can discuss with my 3d friends about panic attacks and stuff, they just don't have the experience I guess.

What I value greatly about PC is that we have something genuinely in common here, even if illness is not a pleasant thing to have in common, it helps to share it. It has helped me a lot - a real lifesaver IMHO.

Good thoughts,

M.

PS - Looks like I've gone off topic. Oops.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
_Sky said:
It's a very heavy label, imo.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Sky,

You're right about that. I thought about the thread because I was called 'difficult' by someone many years ago and it hurt me (it was my ex wife).

Yes, it is a hard label. For me I found that I had to admit that I had been difficult before I could make some changes. It wasn't easy.

Of course I was being 'difficult' because I was frightened of losing her, and that just speeded up the process. I think that we are often difficult when we are frightened and needy, and this is just when we don't get the help from others.

There is an old country saying, "When the goings easy the goings right; when the goings hard the goings wrong."

I'd prefer easy every time.

Good thoughts, M

Hey Myzen

I have read and re-read this post and wasnt quite ready to respond until now. Perhaps it's because I would have to admit that "I am difficult" .

Well, not so much anymore. I look back now and see that I have a pretty difficult person all my life but for various reason, of course. I will say that I have not been difficult when it comes to my friends because as a kid and teenager, they were the only ones that I feel cared for me so I was always open and giving with them.

I was extremely difficult when it came to my parents. Moreso with my father as he was abusive beyond words. My mother, well, I was difficult with her as well but always had a soft spot for her and if she pried just right, my walls came down and I was putty in her hands.

I have thought about why I have been so difficult and I think for me, at least, it's because thats how I have always been with pretty much everyone (except friends) but all authority figures, teachers, cops, parents, friends parents. I had no limits.

Even the years leading up to my breakdown were pretty bad as well. I just was always conditioned to be that way. I dont know why. All I know is that now, I am not that way and I feel better for it.

I am at a point in my life now where I have surrounded myself with friends and family who bring the best out in me. I have no reason to be difficult, for the most part. I think that my communication skills are much improved as well, so it is easier for me to open up and explain things so others have a better understanding so I dont appear to be acting "difficult".

Ok, well, I have been typing for a while and I am sure I missed the point a paragraph or two back so I am gonna stop now. LOL

Huggles,

Jen

Hi Jen,

I have come to have a lot of respect for you, for a number of reasons; honesty tops the list I think.

Yes, my teenage years were like yours. The best word for it in my view is 'alienation'. Of course there is normal teenage rebellion, and then there is something much darker and lonelier, when we have lost respect for a parent due to certain behaviour.

In extreme cases I think that the young person is morally outraged at cruelty they see and suffer, cruelty which is publicly hidden of course.

As you rightly say, our outrage becomes transferred onto all authority figures and that is when the trouble really starts. I believe that there are plenty of kids in Jail as a direct result of a parent or parents cruelty. The film 'Buffalo 66' recounts a story of this type. It's a painful film but worth watching.

At some point in our lives an authority figure, or someone important to us gets through and we can start the 'long walk back' as my counsellor used to say. If that doesn't happen, we have to just parent ourselves; we have to actually become our own parent and take hold of our lives. This is what good therapists can help us do.

So, IMHO it is a case of 1) I have been difficult 2) Why have I been difficult? 3) Now I'm going to do something about it.

Of course we are still not perfect, or perfectly well, but we can make something of our lives, starting from the ground up. It is worth it.

At least we are not sleepwalking through life; we have really had to learn to live it!

Good thoughts, Jen

M

(((((((((((((((((((Myzen))))))))))))))))))))))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
LMo said:
Myzen, that really surprises me about you. At least since I first noticed you posting here, you've always struck me as someone who keeps a level head and who accepts their half of responsibility. You give such great advice to others and although I haven't really responded much, it's only because you've already said everything I would want to say, AND you articulate better than I do.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi LMo

I was responding to your surprise as quoted above.
I am not surprised at all if people come across differently in cyberspace to how they are in real life. We can all talk the talk on here, but can we walk the walk in 3d? Many of us post on here because we don't deal very successfully with family, friends or acquaintances face to face. It's easier to cope with 'social anxiety' when not maintaining eye to eye contact, doncha think?

FG