[MissCharlotte]

So, yesterday's session was the first since our couples session and I had to reconnect as just me and T. This is a new rhythm for me. My H will be coming in about once a month or so but I found reconnecting with T a difficult process. I have a very hard time holding onto "us" for more than four or five days at a time. I become anxious in the between times.

So, what do I do? Naturally I acted like a lunatic in session! I sat in the %#@&#! and began to tell T about some connections I had made. I feel as though I am getting closer to figuring out one of my forms of dissociation--the confusion. I rummaged through my purse to look for a poem(that I wrote). I wanted to read to him. I rummaged again for my glasses. Papers were flying and cell phones beeping. I realized I had my work cell phone with me (turned on) and commented to T that wouldn't it be hilarious if I broadcast my whole session to the entire campus. LOL

Finally, T goes, "Okay, enough with the props." We both started laughing. I told him I was uncomfortable and moved to the couch. He said we would breathe together. We did four deep belly breaths and then he asked what I noticed. I still was not grounded. Then I said I felt uncomfortable in my body. I moved again, and told him I needed to stand up. Then I pushed the ottoman over to sit on it instead. I had to push it around the chair to get near him.

Why do I think, that I can rearrange the furniture in his office? ROFLMAO



Then I finally moved back to the chair and read my poem to him. He said I was an excellent writer but I read like I am reading a shopping list.

Next time I think I'll bring my grocery list and say "ketchup, milk, paper towels, chicken."


the session ended fine but talk about a lot of work. I was practically sweating.

As I was leaving he told me he is taking a week off the week after next.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Reflection: I think my dissociative confusion reflects the frantic atmosphere of my early childhood. I NEEDED a mother or someone to help me to negotiate the world or share my confusion or just validate that what I was seeing was real. T says that when I become confused I am very young. Sigh.

I have to plan for this break from T the week after next. I miss him already and I am seeing him tomorrow! Maybe this time we can make a plan together and I will be able to openly discuss my fears surrounding his departure. I need to figure out how to hold onto him and not freak out when he's away. There is a part of me that gets very frightened of this.

I want to just sit and yell, "Nooooooo don't go away like they did! Stay with me and take care of me!"

Peace

[Perna]

"Don't make a move without calling Smith's" (1950's Mayflower ad slogan in the Washington, D.C. area :-)

I love how you feel free to move around. I had to deliberately work on that one week; get up and move the chair, etc. so the angle was better or whatever. Toward the end of therapy, in the last year or two before termination every week T had to move her chair in the office we were in, so it was arranged closer, etc. and I got so I could help her move her chair or hold pillows she needed.

I accidentally found I could help my missing thing by being fatalistic? T was going away, nothing I could do about it, end of story. That freed me up to look ahead and plan for what I was going to do while she was away, how I was going to help myself. I think what always worked best for me was "experimenting". I'd get scientific and think of various things to try to and then look to see how the results affected me.

Once when she was gone 6+ weeks, I wrote daily in a little blue college exam book and the end of each week, mailed that book off (had 6 :-) to her office, picturing her returning form the trip and reading them a day or two before seeing me next. Another time I paid a whole lot of attention to each day so I could write down the one, best thing that I'd "learned" or experienced that day, something that had helped me. But generally I found focusing on my life instead of on T's being away helped a lot.

Because I had trouble with the day of the session each week, I continued some rituals I'd started; I had a long drive to get to T and always took a handful of large, individually-wrapped lifesavers and ate them driving to/from therapy and it was a fun challenge to see if I could make them last until i got home in the evening. Inevitably I'd eat too many going to therapy or I'd eat them too fast coming home, LOL. But when T went away I would grab a handful on my way to work that day and treat that day like I always did; eating them on the way to work and on the way home. I'd "recognize" that day was special to me and hold my T's "place" that way.

Instead of resisting T's going away, go with the flow and plan for it?

[Kiya]

Miss, my t will be gone the same time. =( want to plan together? kiya

[MissCharlotte]

Okay Kiya, here's the plan. We kidnap them and tie them up in their T chairs so they can never go away again. What do you think? Will it work?

Peace

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Naturally I acted like a lunatic in session!

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Well, at least you were in the right place at the right time, LOL!

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Finally, T goes, "Okay, enough with the props."

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LoL, Miss. Your T is hillarious. You should have took out your cane and started singing and dancing

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I moved again, and told him I needed to stand up. Then I pushed the ottoman over to sit on it instead. I had to push it around the chair to get near him.

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Miss, I'm just trying to picture all of this in my head, LOL. It sounds like you needed a GPS navigational system to guide the ottoman to the correct destination. Did you encounter any obstacles, like balls of paper on the floor or anything? Just wondering. Your hillarious.

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Then I finally moved back to the chair and read my poem to him. He said I was an excellent writer but I read like I am reading a shopping list.

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Romeo, Romeo, eggs and chicken
Where art thou Romeo, milk and cheese . . .

I love your descriptions of your sessions, I feel like I am watching a movie. I'm glad things are going well.

Ok....Rip gets the "Idiot Award" because it only took me forever to figure out why you titled your post Mayflower Moving Company! LOL

I admire that you are able to move about with your T. Shows your real comfortable. I sit there in total fear....

[MissCharlotte]

Rip,

Stay the course and you will be moving furniture around before you know it.

It wasn't long ago that I sat in fear as well.

Peace

[MissCharlotte]

Soliaree,

I'll tell you--the ottoman moving was the pinnacle of the session. First I pushed it one way and a little table was in the way. Then I had to push it the other way. I CANNOT imagine what I looked like. It almost surpasses the water spilling session.

Oh, he did offer me his chair at one point. I declined.

Milk
I wish I were there
Eggs
Or you were here
Bread
A child is dazed
Cheese
and stuck in the space

How's that for a poem stuck in a grocery list?

[Lemon]

MissCharlotte, this was hilarious to read! When you were doing all this moving around, did your T just sit there and watch you???

Just think of all the calories you burned in T.
An exercise session without planning it!

[chaotic13]

Ms C.
I'm still envious of you for being able to move between the assprint chair and the couch. I'm still glued to the armrest of the ugly couch. :-)

[Kiya]

Heh. my t's room is so overstuffed with furnature. the couch takes up one whole wall (and the huge pillows take up the whole couch) then there are 2 armchairs in there; one for her and one for her student (days only - i'm at night )so sometimes i do feel claustrophobic. i could move to the other chair, but that would put me closer to t and i couldn't see the door.

[MissCharlotte]

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When you were doing all this moving around, did your T just sit there and watch you???

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Lemon,

YES Of course!! That's what he usually does. He just sits there until I feel like a complete idiot. LOL On this particular day, when I sat on the ottoman I said to him, "This feels like a really crazy session to me, does it feel crazy to you?" He goes, Crazier than some not as crazy as others." ROFLMAO

Was he thinking about the time I spilled water?

Sigh, gotta get a grip!