i'm fighting off chemically induced depression and mood swings. Sometimes i feel pretty good, other times i feel like something you'd scrape off your shoe.

i'm trying to keep T's words in the forefront... catch myself when things slide and try to find out what the first thought or feeling was.. is there a trigger, etc. i'm trying to be ok with not feeling so good right now, meaning that i'm not going to just drop dead from it and i don't need to have a specific "reason." My life has been a mess for a very long time.. big life issues, medical problems, marriage break down, abuse, etc... but i treat myself as if that isn't enough justification to just plain feel bad. How much do i need?

i know though that a huge amount of the bad stuff is the hormone/chemical soup i am sitting in. It's frustrating. i can work on myself all i want and i will still feel like crap.

((((((Fluffy)))))))))),
I wish there was something I could do to help.

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It's frustrating. i can work on myself all i want and i will still feel like crap.

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I was thinking the same thing today. I just want to feel okay. What must it be like not to have to constantly try to regulate one's emotions? It sucks. I'm with you and am frustrated as @#$@#$@!

I'm sorry for not being uplifting. Love ya'.

[Perna]

{{{MzJelloFluff}}} Sometimes distraction is all you can do until the next mood comes around; maybe it will be better. Sorry you're feeling so crummy.

[chaotic13]

((Fluffy))
Sorry you are having a down day. I really has to be frustrating not being able to find the right chemical soup to make you feel better. Are the things you listed the stuff you are thinking about? Are there any small things you can do to improve any of the feelings/situations?

Don't think big; think small. For example... if you are suffering from ...chronic back pain,..try making little adjustments like experimenting the use of different support pillows, or sleeping modifications. You may not be able to fix the medical condition, but you may be able to make some minor adjustments that can make it more tolerable. If you have an orthopedic issue, I might be able to give you some suggestions, to reduce your pain. Feel free to PM me.

[sunrise]

Life events can affect the chemistry in our brains. Stress can lead to depression. Unfortunately, the molecules that stimulate this response are long lived. (It's actually a protective response, but it don't feel good!) So keep plugging away at solving your life problems, and there is a good chance your chemistry will improve. But it is not overnight because those molecules last so long. Some of the studies I have read show half lives of 6 weeks for some of the stress-induced molecules that can lead to depression. Hang in there!

[MissCharlotte]

(Jello)

Sometimes when we have been through a lot of painful experiences it feels as though that is the norm, the way things are supposed to be. But it's not true. We can get out from under and try to experience the finer things in life once again. And sometimes we do have to just sit in it for a while. If that's where you are right now, then that's where you are!

It's okay, we are here too. We'll just sit in it with you until you can come out!

Peace

the chemistry is artificial.. hormone added.. then other drugs added to deal with the mess the hormone made... and so on, repeat as necessary. sigh

thanx guys.

i'm really tightly focussed on two things... finishing the work that is due within the next week and panicking as i realize there is no hope in hell of finishing the work that is due within the next week. OMG. i am so screwed...

i am feverishly repeating to myself that there are some people i highly respect who truly believe in me

they believe in me
they believe in me
they believe in me
they believe in me
they believe in me
they believe in me
they believe in me

maybe i can believe in me?

i had never ever ever dared even ASK myself that question before last year.. and even now it's only in reference to the work i do. Believe in myself.. really? For real? All serious and real?

one advisor, for whom i have a deep respect.. and in whom i have a lot of trust, she said "..fluff.. you don't have this problem (doubt) when you are working... so work.. what's the big %#@&#! deal?!"

it's more than that.. so complicated.. life issues.. yeah.. thinking thinking thinking.. in two weeks from today i will be without structure, without firm direction and without solid support of any kind except for what T gives me.. and that certainly isn't career oriented. i will be in need of guidance but i have to have my own compass, no other captain but me... and the seas i am sailing are not mapped. This career isn't like any other.. an honest to god, real art world visual artist... you know, the kind who does %#@&#! most people dont understand? yeah.. no anxiety there.

im scared

im going to go throw up now

[Kiya]

Fluff -you can do it! I believe in you too!!
Kiya

[Mouse_]

(((fluff))

[Lemon]

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MzJelloFluff said:
in two weeks from today i will be without structure, without firm direction and without solid support of any kind except for what T gives me..

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Fluff, I was wondering if you could continue a mentoring relationship with the advisor after your graduation? I think this is actually somewhat common and the prof would probably be honored. Maybe you could set up appointments for coffee once a month right now so you have those appointments to look forward to and keep you grounded or on some kind of schedule.

prolly a decent idea... i wont ask my current advisor as he and i have such different asethetics that i find it hard sometimes, it rattles my confidence. BUT.. there is another prof i am with that i adore. He has taken a serious interest in me and my career... i went to him with a crisis over something and he saw how down-trodden i felt. He stopped me in whatever i was saying and said that he has taught for nearly 25yrs, evaluated over 3000 students.. and he said that students like me didnt come along very often.

im not bragging by saying that.. i'd have to believe it first. But it's kinda nice when someone like him says something like that. He isnt small potatoes in "the" realm. Kind of like knowing David Bowie..

i wonder if he'd keep a running lunch date with me.

[winterbaby]

take it one step at a time, if you need your t let him be there for you.