[ECHOES]

It is only farily recently I learned it is not only possible but okay to have many feelings about the same experience. I don't know how I never realized this but I was totally unaware until it was taught to me, pointed out to me.

I still struggle with it.

At the beginning of my last therapy session, T said Oh, before we begin... I need to rearrange my schedule on Tuesdays. Could you come on Monday at the same time? Delivered in her usual smiling, sweet, calm, considerate manner. I was shaken, though hid it (WHY do I do that?! headslap). I didn't respond immediately and after a minute (we both know I tend to mull things over) she said, half-heartedly (it seemed): ....or Thursday.

Thursday sounded so much better to me. I had just asked to go back to Fridays but she isn't in on Friday afternoons at this time. But the way she offered Thursday made me think she *really* didn't want me to choose Thursday. So I began, "Monday.. sounds.." (was going to say that Monday sounds like what she wanted me to choose) when she finished my sentence!!! ????? She was looking away from me and at her Day Planner and she said "Monday sounds like it would work." and wrote me in!!

Okay, I want to please her, accomodate her schedule, and maybe Monday will be good. But all week I have gone round and round in my head over this: Why?! Who's come along that is more interesting, more enjoyable, more likable that she would rather see on Tuesdays? Why?! She knows because I've told her that a regular time is important to me. It seems like it keeps getting changed and it makes me nutz but doesn't bother her a bit. It says to me that I'm not important, not heard, parts of me are forgotten about. Why? Is she edging me out...Tues.. Mon... outta here! lol

It keeps playing in my head. It's over, done, the change is made, but it's not over in my head.
The point that keeps replaying is where I let the opportunity to speak up and say Wait! I'm not done thinking yet! pass by and it feels forever lost.

I realize I've felt so many things from being not heard, not mattering, my needs are not important, to... anger. That is very hard for me to admit and sit with. I was caught off guard. It was a simple request and I want to accomodate her. I don't want to be angry.

I've felt like a butterfly flittering around and around and not landing. Where to land?! I couldn't decide how I felt about it. I think this is so common for me, feeling so uneasy because I can't identify my emotions easily and I forget that I can feel many things at one time about the same experience. I feel like I have to chose one emotion and that's one reason I keep flying in circles. When I realized what I was doing and that I can feel neglected and angry and even glad that she had a time that works for us both all at the same time, I felt better. It still feels like I am 'supposed to pick' one feeling. Not sure why.

Sorry this is so long and probably boring but I wanted to write about it and I wonder if anyone can relate?

[gimmeice]

(((((((((( ECHOES ))))))))))))
I can totally relate, I often feel like I must choose one emotion to feel at time.
I am sorry your T made you feel unimportant, you are very impotant.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( ECHOES )))))))))

I can relate, I'd have felt angry and unimportant too if she had done that and finished my sentence for me (reminds me of meal times when I wasn't allowed to speak in a way)

I think its positive that you've identified all those feelings including a contrasting feeling of being glad you've found a new time to see her. I'd probably bring it up in the next session if it still bothered me. (not sure though)
You're very important

((ECHOES))

I really hope that 2 things can happen for you:

1. I hope that during the next session you can explain to T that she has repeated the pattern of you not being heard and feeling unimportant. Although she did not do this maliciously, our T's do not always realize the stuff that affects us so much.

2. The decision is not set in stone. I hope you can tell her that you really think Thursday is a better day and would like to switch.

There are two parts to being heard. One is actually when you are giving a chance by the other person to be heard and the other is when you can speak up for yourself.

Perhaps both things fell apart a bit in your last session, but they can be rectified.

[Perna]

Oh, Echoes, that's hard. I had my T rearrange my schedule a couple of times (in 9 years) and the away from Friday was the worst for me too; I loved having the weekend to process stuff that had come up. But she at least told me what was going on; we had to move a couple because she started taking a class on Fridays that she thought would only be once or twice but they put the whole "semester" of meetings then so she asked could we change. Then we got to Wednesday and she kept having to change it earlier and earlier (and I was at work on Wednesdays so had to keep leaving earlier :-) so I ended up only working half a day on Wednesdays.

But my T was relatively straightforward with me what was happening in her life and we spent a few times (as much as I wanted) discussing the change after it happened, even a couple months down the road or before the next change, etc. I was lucky though because I'd seen her for therapy before and we'd moved around often then; days of the week, time, and physical locations, and so I was a bit more comfortable with change gone through with her.

Maybe next session you can mention you've been obsessing, er, thinking about it and you might prefer Thursdays and could you all try Mondays for a couple weeks and then Thursday for a couple and decide then If you use the magic phrase, ". . .and see which is best for both of us" she has to sit up and take notice of that

[MissCharlotte]

((Echoes))

I have had similar experiences when thoughts become confusing because no one simple answer is obvoius and no one simple emotion "fits the bill." Should I be angry T took vacation? Happy for him? Sad because I miss him? Pissed at the lousy pdoc referral? Am I feeling abandoned? Proud of how well I have handled it? Smug about the fact that I don't really need him?

Yeah, we are bundles of mixed emotions. In this particular circumstance I would hope you can discuss it with T because the two of you together might be able to figure out the genesis. It sounds as though you felt usurped when T took the words out of your mouth.

When a child feels usurped it is a very difficult and unmanageable situation and confuses the self. Maybe your inner child is confused?

Anyway, that's my two cents.

Peace

Personally, I find it very unsettling when T's change "my time." I have read that structure and consistency are important for clients, and changing is like a slap in the face of consistency.

Also, the other thing that sucks here is that, you really were not given a choice. It was take this time or ?????

I think you need to talk with T about this. Especially your concern that someone else took YOUR spot. I doubt that, but still, your feelings are valid.

[sunrise]

ECHOES, it sounds like this incident brought up so much for you--very rich. I hope you can discuss further with her. I was struck especially by how your T finished your sentence for you and put words in your mouth about accepting the Monday appointment. It seemed like she wasn't really listening to you or giving you a chance to express yourself. Of course, it is up to you to correct her, but I think she would be interested to her your view of how the interaction went, as she could learn how to be a better therapist from this. It sounds like this experience recalls past experiences for you, and so this whole strand could be valuable to explore.

There was a time, early in therapy, when T would sometimes say to me, "I respect your ambivalence," or "let's sit in your ambivalence for a while." That made me feel really heard and that it was OK to be ambivalent! Seems small, but this reinforcement and validation from T helped me respect my own frequent ambivalence about things.