[Razzleberry]

It's a repeat of two years ago, all over again, only this time I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING and I know I need to stop it and I just keep doing it!!

Lying at work. Calling in sick and faking a huge illness that doesn't exist. Forcing my coworkers to pick up the pieces. Not good.

Spending entire days online.

Suicidal thoughts. Even trying to think up ways to get my life insurance to still pay because I feel guilty leaving my daughter alone without any money. But I don't seem to care about leaving her without a mother.

I called my therapist and left a message but he hasn't called me back yet. We have an appointment tomorrow, maybe he's just waiting till then. I thought I made it sound urgent but I don't know.

I also called my psych nurse, we've been trying to get my prescription figured out. She's busy all day seeing patients and barely has time to call for 5 mins.

I drove to the hospital today, sat in the parking lot in my car for maybe 2 or 3 hours. Just sat there. Read the driver's manual (need an OR license). Called about my speeding tickets. But just sat there, in my car. Didn't go in. I knew they couldn't do anything for me anyway. So why did I drive there.

Told my boss that I fainted on my lunch break and I was at the doctor's. In my head I was starting to think up ways I could explain all my crap away. Even thought of telling them all that I had a miscarriage, just to get a ton of sympathy at work. They all think I'm pregnant since I've been gaining so much weight (from binging...)

STOP THIS!! What the hell am I doing. I could ruin my entire life. We risked everything to move to this town. If Iose this job we are royally screwed. Unemployment in this town is 10%, and there is NOTHING in my field. My husband would kill me if he found out everything I've been doing.

It's like I'm leading a double life. There's the "me" that everyone sees, the hard-working employee, loving mother, good wife. Then there is a flip side of me that does all this crazy stuff. Sabotaging my job, my marriage, my weight, my life.

Just make it STOP!!

[(JD)]

Can you take a short break from work? If not a short one, how about vacation, or a leave? That might give you a chance to find out what it is that is keeping you from enjoying your time there.

[ECHOES]

You are aware this time. Do you realize that this signifies great growth? Nothing can be changed without awareness first.

Hang in there for today and tell T tomorrow everything you've posted here.

I think you've caught yourself in the nick of time. I really think you are very remarkable to be able to see the reality of what is happening so clearly. So, now you know right where you are, and you'll go from here with T's help

[gimmeice]

((((((((((Razzleberry)))))))))))
Hopefully your T can help you tomorrow, maybe you could work on a game plan for helping you get through this tough time.

[lauren_helene]

I second the taking leave option if you can. Awareness is good and painful at the same time.

I know myself lately have been wishing I could have two weeks at least to regroup...I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

[Kiya]

((((((((((((razz!!!)))))))))

[onlymedid]

I can understand what you are talking about. I have been doing that a little bit more at work. It is sad because you know you need the help, but you can't take the time off work or even a vacation.

Sending you my best...

BJ

[Razzleberry]

I probably could take a week off now, but I'm just scared. Scared that they'll notice how much work I have NOT been doing, and realize what's really going on.

The weird thing is, I was fine tonight, at home. I was actually happy. Playing with my daughter. It's just so strange. One minute I'm freaking out, the next minute I'm crying and nearly suicidal, and the next minute everything is just peachy and I'm happy and laughing. I don't get it.

[Razzleberry]

Why couldn't I tell my therapist today. I was so ready to tell him what's going on but I just didn't say it.

I left work at noon yesterday, and called in sick today. I'm scared to go back.

My therapist disagrees with my psych nurse on the diagnosis. Wonderful. And I'm not assertive enough to explain what's going on.

I didn't tell him that my internet addiction happens at work. He thinks it's at night. I didn't tell him about this recent thing with that huge project that I just couldn't do.

Why why why am I so open on the internet to complete strangers, but in therapy I just freeze up?? I answer his questions, but I don't just speak up and say something beyond what he asks.

Maybe I'm not even as mentally ill as I want to believe I am. Maybe it's all just a cover to hide my mistakes. I don't know.

Sounds to me like this is information that you have to get to him, one way or another. If you can't bring yourself to tell him face to face (and I know that's hard, I have problems with that too sometimes), could you email him? Just say something like, I don't know why I can't tell you this in session, but I really want you to know this, and then insert the explanation you wrote above? If he doesn't do email, write something up and mail it to him, or hand it to him first thing during your next appointment for him to read himself? It sounds like real life is building up fast, and I just think it would feel better to have someone else on your side to help you navigate your way out of the problems, sooner rather than later. Just my two cents. Good luck.

I think focusing too much on "your diagnosis" and your illness makes you more mentally ill. You seem obsessed with labelling yourself. Ask yourself why?

Therapy is not about labels or diagnosis, but about changing your perspective on yourself and others, so that you can live a better life. Knowing your diagnosis is not going to change that. Your T or p-doc knows what to do. Who cares.

It is not a badge of courage to be labeled something. In fact, it can be stimatizing.