The silence.

Yesterday in T, I kept saying the silence in the room was to much for me. Then T continued to sit silent and my rage grew and grew to in the end I numbed out. I nearly fell asleep I was so numb, and then I had to put a part of me away safe within me to protect her from what??? from the silence? Before I had completely numbed out I told T I didn't want her to keep looking at me and why doesn't she sit and write or do smething, but dont look at me. T said she wasn't looking at me all the time and if she were to start to do something else to take the attention away from me, then I'd not want that either. I could feel myself going into GGGGRRRRRR mode and then I held my hands to the side of my head and said "stop it what are you doing to me" the more she sat and stared the more oppressed I felt until as I say I "went away".

Last night in bed I kept remembering the frustration I felt at the silence and felt so split inside and was crying in agony. T became "bad" T I needed to have her "reach" me yesterday badly, but this was a normal session so why the silence yesterday effected me so I don't know.

I did start the session of saying over the wkend I was very aware of "missing" something and how normally I fill that "missing" up with addictive behaviours and that this time I didn't want to fill it up, to which T replied, Didn't want too or couldnt? That surprised me and I said, oh I dont know.

I dont want to remember how that pain inside felt yesterday in that silence in the room, it was awful and Its like I dont want to even have to explore it with T on friday because I will lget angry again and I dont want to be angry, I hate the way anger feels!!!!!! GGGRRR

(((((((( mouse ))))))))

Mouse I remember the silence that plagued my T therapy. It drove me bonkers. The shifting of position, movement of paper, my heart beat and breathing became so amplified I couldn't stand it. Luckily my T didn't stare at me during these times, that would have made things even more intolerable. I aggressively avoid silence in therapy now-- which may not be always be productive but just the fear of it is very compelling.

(((Mouse))) Hope Friday's session goes better

((((((((((((((((( mouse ))))))))))))))))))

One of my worst T sessions ever was very much like the one you described. There was so much silence, and he just sat there STARING at me, even when I asked him not to. I retreated further and further and, like you, just shut down. It was a Friday session, and I was so, so angry over the weekend - not a familiar or comfortable feeling for me. I felt worse and worse as the weekend went on.

I did a LOT of writing over the weekend - composed a long, long letter to T telling him how the session made me feel. I worked on it all weekend. I brought it with me to my Monday session, but didn't give it to him...but I DID tell him the things the letter said - how he made me feel, etc. He really listened, and admitted the areas where he was at fault, and apologized. It was big, big, big. It was our first rupture, and probably one of the first times in my life I stood up for myself and told someone how I was feeling about how I was treated. I would say in the end, it was the beginning of trusting him for me - and the beginning of trusting myself.

((((((((((((((((((((mouse))))))))))))))))) I hope that you feel better, and that this becomes an opportunity to move forward for you. Try not to shut down, even though everything in you might be telling you to do that. Let T know how you feel....

Mouse, when I read your post, the silence (emptiness not being filled up) sounds a lot like the missing you experienced over the weekend that you didn't / couldn't fill up.

I admire you're being able to feel anger in session.

Echoes, I think your right. I can't bear to even think about it right now its way to painful...I know I'm going into manic mode because I'm suddenly feeling overwhelmed by all the dust I spy in my home...obvously My insides feel just as overwhemlming and feels like I'll never get it all clean/sorted...just want to curl up.

((( Mouse )))

(((((((((((mouse))))))))))))

Feel like I've taken a step backwards today. Feel very aware of how vunrable I am to the enviroment around me. It seems my insides are on the outsides AGAIN, just when I felt I was begining to feel I have my own locus of control. Perhaps I'm supposed to go back and forth like this to make the healing stick better?

Back and forth seems to be the standard. I know it happens to me. However, forth does seem to be winning...