[struggling931]

I read an interesting article the other day in which a therapist talked about how he kind of hated one of his patients, and the feeling was returned (it was an article from the 50's, the T was American Jewish while the patient was the son of an unapologetic German National Socialist). But, they both acknowledged their disdain of the other and talked about it explicitly. (Nor did they ever really get past it—the T was able to help the client regain functionality but they never really overcame their personal dislike for the other, at least not fully).

This got me to thinking—how important is it to *like* your T? I know studies show that if you do, it increases the chances of "success", but is it absolutely necessary? Is this something other people think about? (I think the reason it's an issue for me is that I realized I spend energy looking for approval and/or some kind of personal reaction from the T—but now I'm wondering if this is poor choice of things to be focused on.)

[Fuzzybear]

It's not the greatest thing to focus on perhaps but it matters for me if I like my T and if they like me Personally I can't work with a T who I dislike! And I wonder how a T who dislikes a client/patient would be able to feel empathy?

[chaotic13]

I think it is important to me. I then to have relatively neural feelings about the majority of people I interact with. If I truly do not like someone, there is usually a significant reason for it. I don't think you need to like everything about them or feel attracted to them. I would find it hard to trust and value what they said if I didn't generally like him/her.

[splitimage]

I think it's really important to me. I really like my t and her approach to therapy. Same with my pdoc. I like my addictions Dr. less & find it hard to open up to her. Worst was a T I had to see through my employee assistance program, I didn't like her at all, and totally couldn't open up to her.

--splitimage

[MissCharlotte]

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(I think the reason it's an issue for me is that I realized I spend energy looking for approval and/or some kind of personal reaction from the T—but now I'm wondering if this is poor choice of things to be focused on.)

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I don't think it's a poor choice because in therapy we seek approval from T for those things we really are seeking approval for in ourselves. It's sort of like practicing. It just seems like you are now at the point in your therapy where you are ready to assume this responsibility for yourself and no longer need his approval/reaction.

However, I think it makes the relationship meaningful and productive when you like each other & can't imagine therapy without a mutual admiration and respect. So, I guess I think it's pretty important.

I think if they can help you without you liking them that is great. But is your comfort level with them good enough to truly get the most out of therapy if you don't particularly like them? I would find it difficult to work with someone (especially that I'm PAYING to work with) that I do not like... But if they are extremely helpful to your therapy process then it's a hard call to make...

Here is an excerpt from an email I just wrote my T two days ago, which I think, is an example of just how important it is for me to like my T:

"I never knew, in October of 2005, that I would develop this type of relationship with you. I never knew that you would be a person who understood me in the way you to. Unfortunately, that is not always a catalyst for change. Rather, it becomes a sort of enjoyment-- just being able to be around someone who will actually read these types of emails, take my poetry into serious account, knows what books I would like to read, what music I want to listen to, what quotes I would enjoy, will listen to me debate myself in many contexts-- someone who understands me like no one ever has before. In addition, you are someone who allows me to be every part of myself right in front of you, someone who takes my hysterical calls a half an hour before I am supposed to be at work, someone who cares, who has to deal with the fact that every time I inflict an act of destruction on myself, I will freely tell you, someones quite sardonically. I often wonder how that makes you feel. "

I like him so much it is ridiculous. I am certain that he likes me back. I find myself just wanting to be around him. It is this that makes the connection even stronger.

[MyBestKids2]

Its very important that I like my T on a professional level. I could give a hoot less about his personal life, unless it affects his clients.

MY T is very tired because he is a full time Director of a large institution and does client work 5-9. I have a huge amount of respect for him, which means I like him!

[lauren_helene]

It is very important to me. I left a trail of therapists I didn't like...(years ago not recently).

It's interesting because it didn't take much to send me packing but from day one with this T, something was different. Now 2.5 years later I'm still there and so is he

[Perna]

I don't think it is necessary to like your T (or anyone). Lot of people get help from being "challenged" by the negative assumptions of others. Someone saying, "Oh, you'll never do X" is often cited as why so-and-so became famous for doing X. Often it is a teacher who says it and they can be very like T's.

If one has an okay sense of one's self then often one can look at questions such as you do, struggling931, and learn a lot more from doing that. I know sometimes my T and I would disagree on what direction to go in and I would deliberately go in the direction she indicated instead of the one I wanted to because I wanted her with me and she wasn't familiar with my way but had been hers and knew it worked. I realized it might take longer or be harder for me to figure out what was going on because it wasn't the way I would do/go about things but it still worked. I think working with someone we don't like can be like that; it's still an opportunity to learn new things.

the rearch is right i think... a close bond with a T is very healing and in some types of therapy it is considered essential .. like schema, which is what i'm doing. i like my T tremendously... he's a likable guy

but in all honesty... in my very fisrt appt with him he asked me what i thought was necessary for us to work together. i was "shopping" for a T and we both were trying to assess the possibilities. The first thing out of my face was " you have to like me." No ********. Later, a few months in, I directly asked him if he liked me.. i thought he did and i liked him.. he said "some therapists would say i'm not supposed to tell you this, but yes, i do like you. You have some fine qualities that's for sure." i felt on top of the world. It is nice to be liked and to hear that.

so.. if you seek approval, that isn't a bad thing.. it is where you are and it is an issue you face. If you do it with T, then likely you do it in other places in your life and that could present problems.. so you need to face it with T. It is a problem you recognize... that is a tremendously good start.
most of us.. the problems we face, even those who do not have a history of abuse.. the development of these issues began with our family environment in one form or another.. and for many/most of us, some sort of parental bond gets transferred onto T... having a parent dislike you would be damaging.. and i think having a T dislike you would be as significant. But it depends on T's behaviour, whether the dislike is apparent or not, and just what issues you are working on. Seeking short term treatment for a fear of heights would have a less important "like/dislike" component than say, long term treatment for trauma.

i don't think my T would take on a client whom he disliked. i seriously don't. i think it can, potentially at least, interfere with the "team" effort. In schema, and i suppose other sorts, they call it the therapeutic alliance.. you bond, internalize the T, and face the challenges together. i have to feel like he is there and is not afraid of me. i would focus on just what about me he disliked if that were the case.

[sunrise]

struggling, for me it's been very important in my therapy that I like my T and he likes me. Before this therapist, I had another and I liked her OK but I can't say whether she liked me or not. I never got a negative or positive vibe from her. She was CBT; working together, within 6 months we were able to decrease my symptoms of major depression by 1/3. I don't think we had to really like each other a lot to do that. With my current T, I really, really, really like him and he really likes me too. I feel it. He's told me. We have a special bond. The difference is that this bond with this man is healing. It's not about reducing symptoms by a third, but about healing. This man is nice to me for one hour a week and we connect. Sounds so trivial but gosh I needed that after 20 years of marriage to a man who was never nice to me. It's just been so healing to have a male treat me with respect and caring. I don't think I could have received this healing from him if either he or I didn't like each other.

So I guess I would say it depends on what you need from therapy as to whether you need to like each other or not.

very nicely said sunrise

[chaotic13]

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Sunrise said:
So I guess I would say it depends on what you need from therapy as to whether you need to like each other or not.

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I agree with this statement. For me figuring out and being honest with what I need/want can sometimes be challenging. If you asked me before going to therapy, if I could work with someone I didn't like, I would have said sure as long as they are good at what they do. I would have said liking them is irrelevant. However, NOW, I'm glad I like my T. I would not be able to continue at this point if I didn't like her.